Trying to cope after fiancé was mugged on stag do

[xxholr5xx]

This weekend on his stag do abroad my fiancé and a friend were pulled off from an electric scooter they were riding back to the hotel on in the early hours by 10 lads and were mugged. My fiancé has come home physically in a bad way but obviously is mentally struggling as well. We are getting him some help through his work.

However am I unreasonable to find myself struggling too? The phone call to be told what had happened was horrific, we have a 4 year old and 2 year old twins (one who has additional needs) and I can’t help thinking how the outcome could have been different. When I shut my eyes I can picture it happening and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve always been a massive worrier, always cautious about things but this has my nerves absolutely shattered.

I don’t dare tell my fiancé how I feel as I’m putting on a brave face in front of him and letting him rest, doing everything for him/the kids and sorting the wedding out (in 3 weeks) and allowing him to talk when he wants to. However, I feel if I don’t address my own feelings, I won’t be able to cope and that when the time comes and he’s confident to go out again I’ll be an absolute wreck. Am I unreasonable to sort out going to speak to someone myself or just toughen up?

Give it a couple of days. You are shaken up and so is your partner, it's a horrible feeling, but that feeling should recede.

Next weekend, go out to 'hometurf', places where you feel safe and you are known. Reassure yourself that your home environment is secure. Spend time together as a family. Invite a close friend over for coffee and a chat.

I was held up at gunpoint in Durban years ago, and was quite shaken up. I couldn't wait to get home. I've not been back to SA and am still in no hurry to do so, but I feel safe everywhere else.

Give yourselves a chance to settle. I hope you both feel better soon.

Absolutely find someone to talk too, you've had a massive shock and that what ifs are natural but understandably unnerving. Short term can you talk to a family member on your side who isn't supporting DH?

I really do not mean to sound tough on you, obviously this is a shock and you will feel upset for a time. It’s only just happened so of course you’ll ruminate on it for a while.

But where I live children as young as 11 are mugged. Regularly. It’s not right, and it absolutely shouldn’t happen but if we thought about it for too long, no one would go out. Be there for your partner first and foremost, and see how you feel tomorrow.

My DH nearly died earlier this year, it was a massive shock as he is very fit and healthy. Fortunately he recovered but it could have had a very different outcome if he’d sought medical help even a a few hours later than he did. It’s a very sobering thought but ultimately he did survive and he is recovering in the same way that your DH survived and in time will recover. It’s easy to be consumed by ‘what ifs’ in this type of situation, what if the worse had happened, what if I had done something that changed the course of events would it have been prevented, what if he’s never the same again etc. Like you, I wasn’t the one directly experiencing the situation but the shock and trauma of it still impacted me significantly. In time this will get easier but I would suggest finding someone to talk to, whether that’s a friend, a therapist or even the Samaritans. You may find you are entitled to access a work support program either through your own or your Dh’s employer.

Obviously your primary focus is to support his recovery and I understand wanting to keep your fears to yourself but it may be helpful to talk it through with your Dh when he’s in a better place.

Pushing down your emotions and trying to tough it out ultimately won’t work, you’ll eventually need to express those feelings, whether that’s this week or next year, big emotions can’t be held in forever.

Who on earth is voting YABU?! That sounds horrific, OP, of course you’ll be affected as well.

Do you have anyone you can talk to be about it now? No need to wait.

Don’t be silly, 10 year olds are not pulled off a motorbike by 10 lads and hurt by them 🙄

You playing top trumps is distasteful, get some empathy.

My all means seek help for yourself but I wouldn't burden your partner with it

Go!!!! Vicarious trauma is a real thing and is immensely difficult. Its a really good idea to refer yourself for therapy for it.

To be brutally honest this is so recent I'm not sure how you can possibly know that you need counselling and it does sound a little like you are trying to center yourself. I do agree that vicarious trauma is real but surely it's normal to be shaken up for a couple of days after a loved one is badly assaulted, that doesn't mean you aren't coping. I'd give it until after the wedding then see how you are.

Also, I wouldn't share your thoughts with your fiancé (yet) because it will sound like he has to be strong for you and not rely on you for emotional support in case you crumble. Later on you can mention that it was very upsetting but just right now I think you need to take a backseat as it's so recent.

My DH was attacked not too long ago so I totally get how upsetting it is for you to imagine what happened and to see him hurt.

Gently, this is about him and he needs to work through this first. You do need to be the strong one right now. DH went through a process: shaken, then confused and upset about why he was targeted, then angry. Let your DP go through his emotions without worrying about you.

It took DH longer than we imagined to get over it. But he’s fine now and I’m sure your chap will be too.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll feel better when you see the bruises going down.

Goodness how traumatic! I'd also be beside myself OP. I would definitely recommend you talk to professionals about this to help you through. Mind are incredible - call their helpline.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

They are. I can post links. There is rarely a boy of teenage years in the area of London I work in, who hasn’t had an incident. It’s not top trumps, it’s - understand that it’s sad and awful and take your time while being mindful that you have to carry on for your partner, the victim, and not let this define your interactions in the outside world forever more.

This is about him no you do not need to make this about you and yes this is being harsh

There isn't a textbook way to react to such news or situation, give yourself some time. If you feel like you need help then seek it but I reckon the initial shock will recede pretty quickly

You need to read about vicarious trauma. Not everyone is hard as nails.

Definitely do not tell him how you are feeling, in case he takes it the wrong way.

I don’t think there is any reason for you to speak to anyone right now, as I think how you are feeling is perfectly normal and you need some more time to deal with and process it.

Its awful when something traumatic happens to a loved one.

Its often worse when something happens to a loved one, than if it happened to yourself.
Ask any mother and she would rather she was put through X,Y, Z rather than her child be put through it.

Just be there to support him and remember that yes something worse could have happened - but it didn’t.
There is no point worrying about what may have happened in the past.

Your feelings are entirely understandable.

Someone you dearly love and who is the father of your children was far away and in trouble - that would be really scary and not necessarily something you can just shake off in a moment.

But you are right to realise he shouldn't be your main support. He leans on you, you lean on someone else.

Of course you don't want to seem uncaring, you can share you were frightened for him, but just don't put him in the position of him having to sort you... Get the support though.

Find someone else to talk to about it. My now-DH was mugged at knifepoint outside where we lived in London in about 2002, and I was working overseas at the time, and he only phoned me because he'd had my credit card in the stolen wallet, and I had to cancel it. I remember starting to cry in pure shock on the phone to the (very nice) credit card line people, who thought I'd been the one who was mugged, and I think I was too embarrassed and shaken up to put them straight. I think it was the fact that it happened at a distance that made it so tough.

Talk to a friend or therapist.

It is always fine to seek help if you need it! Always!

Your anxiety and negative emotions are highest now, and will fade away whether you seek support or not, but getting some help to process what happened and what could have happened is going to help putting it behind you.

You are NOT unreasonable OP. The thought of what could have happened is understandably upsetting.

Do you work? If so, does your own work have an EAP? If not, does your fiancé's work open itself up to family members of staff? I know ours does.

If you don't have access to something like that, do you have a trusted friend you could speak to? Failing that, talk on here (though perhaps not AIBU - it can be a bit savage!)

It is still early days since it happened and obviously you also had the worry of waiting until he came home. I'm sure it will get easier over the coming days and weeks, but it's not unexpected for it to have affected you too.