DD (22) not speaking to my fiancé

[Jengadreads]

Will keep this is short as possible but there’s a back story. Met my fiancé 2018 and he moved in with us 2021. Everyone got on so well, lots of joy and happiness.

one issue was fiancés terms when using lgbtq terminology and he didn’t understand mixed genders until we explained. He’d never been in an environment before that could educate him so it was a learning step for him. He wasn’t being offensive but we’d correct certain words he used. My daughter is bi but with a long term male partner. Any accidental word used incorrectly DD would take offence. It wasn’t done very often but DD started holding a grudge, a severe grudge.

last year I was really struggling with my mental health which became a massive strain on my relationship with fiancé. I’m ashamed to admit that one night due to alcohol we got in a psychical fight during an argument, I started it. It’s never happened before and I thought I wanted to end the relationship. I told my DD about it was the final strike for her.

After a few weeks fiance and I began to talk again, realised where we went wrong, I started therapy and also couples therapy. I told DD and she went nuts which I understand and was expecting. She gave me an ultimatum of her or fiancé. At the time of course it would be my DD. The break up hurt ans upset me so much to the point I wanted to try make us all happy. In the end we decided she was happy with us being friends and I told her I would never put her in an uncomfortable situation and allow him in the house or family events. she of course knows we have been back on a relationship for several months now.

to keep my word to my daughter fiancé stays here once a week when DD is staying at her boyfriends parents house and I go stay a couple of nights at fiances house with my 8 year old DS. We also plan on getting married end of year. I feel split in 2 with 2 separate lives. I really want my DD there, I wish I could have our old family life back where fiance could have the odd extra overnight stay with DD in house but she hates him.

am I being unreasonable continuing the relationship to keep my daughter happy? I just can’t see a way of things improving. She has really mental health issues and don’t want to push anything on her.

You have an 8 yo and are in a relationship that has had violence.

I would be focusing on them more than anything. They are young and need stability. This relationship sounds anything but stable.

Your daughter is the only one with any sense here. You and your partner got into a physical fight, it doesn't matter who started it. The relationship needs to end and you need to start rebuilding your daughter's trust.

Stop being stupid, put your children first than a unhappy unstable relationship with violence.

Yabu for continuing a relationship that has descended into violence when you have a child in the house.

The fact you have an 8yo means ya I.
At 22 your daughter is an adults, as are you, you can do what you like, but the disruption her for your 8yo is really unreasonable.

Does your dd know that he stays in the house when she’s away? If not, aren’t you risking her being even angry at you when she finds out when her brother accidentally says something ?

Your dd is right and you should have ended things after the physical fight- you are setting your children a terrible example of relationships.

Yabu

YABU. Very.

Yabu for being with a man too thick to work out what’s offensive and what’s not, and repeatedly insults your own daughter. Also for being in a volatile relationship that has led to a drunken rage with you attacking each other. That’s not a case of ‘working out where we went wrong’. Loads of relationships go wrong without people resorting to assaulting your partner. Yabu for continuing this relationship and even planning to marry this man who has torn your family apart. And you are being VVVVVVU for forcing this man into your 8yo’s life and making him stay at his house! At least your daughters old enough to choose to go no contact with you over your actions over this man. Your poor little boy has no choice!

You can't seriously be dragging your 8 year old around into and out of the house of a violent man? If you were a parent in my school I would be ringing social services.

This relationship is no-go. listen to your daughter.

You need to end this relationship for the sake of your 8 year old.

Is your daughter generally reasonable and sensible? Does she take offence unreasonably?

I don’t think any relationship is worth the drama you have already experienced. You say you started the fight. But he joined in. He could have walked away and chosen not to escalate.

Would you be happy for your DD to be in this relationship, taking her child to stay in the house with a man you got in a physical fight with?

This.

I said yes on your other, deleted thread — what was his terminology issue? What do you mean he didn’t ’understand mixed genders’? Was he being homophobic?

But the important thing is a young child in this unstable, violent relationship.

You’re absolutely unreasonable. You all sound like you’re quite toxic and you and your partner shouldn’t be in a relationship if you get physical and he actually hits back rather than walk away himself. Dont quite know who your daughter think she is ‘educating’ him on her gender beliefs either - he’s either so insulting about the same sex and trans communities he’s a red flag anyway, or you and your daughter are trying to place your own belief system on him which is unacceptable in itself.

The main concern is the physical fighting and arguments and the effects of this relationship on your young son. Do the right thing before it blows up in a much worse way, he’s affected for life and other services become involved.

This is a serious safeguarding issue. Your young child should never EVER be exposed to violence. You CANNOT risk this happening again.

If I knew you and you persisted in this relationship, I would report you to social services and you would be in serious trouble.

Moreover, he hit you when you were ill! It doesn’t matter if you started it. Domestically violent men never stop at just once - in fact, it’s considered an incurable problem.

You appear very vulnerable to me, continue in therapy and prioritise looking after your child and maintaining good mental health. Put your time and energy in what is good for you - a domestically violent cock in the home is not a medicine or solution to anything.

I’m surprised a therapist implied to you it was a good idea to return to a domestically violent man with a young child in tow???
I think they would be under obligation to report you in order to safeguard your child!

What exactly did you tell these professionals?

I find this very very hard to believe.

If domestic violence hasn’t caused you to end this relationship for good, I don’t know what would! That is very worrying indeed.

You appear very vulnerable to me and are not thinking in safe ways. Please consider requesting some parenting classes, you need to take the safety of your child into serious consideration at least. Even just hearing and witnessing violence is very psychologically damaging to children.

This guy is a non starter, to say the least.

Its actually quite telling that your major take on this problem is that your
DD (22) not speaking to my fiancé and not the fact your fiance has continuously disrespected your family (through bigotry and violence) and made no attempts to repair the damage - but you still place the blame in your daughters lap rather than where it should sit - with the man.

YABU - yes you are being unreasonable.

Violent men are irredeemable in my view. But please don’t undermine the fact the op started the physical fight, and due to alcohol not MH issues. It’s completely unfair to the majority of people who have mental health issues and manage not to be violent. They’re both culpable but even removing the partner from the situation, the op has shown very concerning behaviour that may still have an affect on her son, who is the most vulnerable person in this situation. Breaking up with the partner is only the first step in a lot of work that the op needs to do.

Have you ever stepped back and thought that your daughter may have a point? I'm sure lots of people don't know the correct terminology for lots of things and manage to not offend people by not spreading their ill informed views. He must have said things repeatedly for your daughter to still be upset about it. Why did you think it was your job to educate him, why wasn't he all over Google when he realised he had upset someone? Why was this subject coming up so much anyway unless he was deliberately trying to upset her?

The whole thing sounds a bit of a mess -
Your fiance repeatedly used offensive words and upset your daughter
Your daughter makes you choose between her and your fiance which is not healthy either
You had a physical fight
You lost control after alcohol
You involved your daughter in your drama by telling her about the right
You mention your son at the end of the post like a complete afterthought
You're planning to marry someone who you've agreed won't be in the house when your daughter is there

None of this sounds calm, considered or healthy. Take a step back, there is no rush to get married, and keep going with the therapy.

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I obvs didn’t make it very clear on my post. It was me who started the physical fight and I’m now in therapy for mental health issues.

Either way you shouldn't be in this relationship. It's not healthy if you're attacking him.

And your partner sounds ridiculous if he can't figure out how to not say offensive things.

You should go to therapy and focus on being a mom to your 8 yo.

Does his Dad know that you were violent?