I don't know how I feel

[Noopneep]

I have a disability and this has had a serious impact on any intimacy my partner and I have. I'm in so much pain at times that cuddling is out of the picture. Last time we were intimate, I started seeing blood. I'm being investigated for all sorts.

I told my partner that we should consider an open relationship because the lack of intimacy is not fair to him. I've said this to him quite a few times. I don't want to split up with him because I love him so much, apart from the lack of intimacy, we have a great relationship and he's an amazing father.

In an effort to improve, I've been exercising a lot. I'm getting physically stronger but I have these overwhelming negative thoughts telling me how ugly and useless I am. My self esteem is at rock bottom.

Anyway, my partner and a close friend of ours went out on Saturday night and they were chatting with two women. My partner was rather drunk. He got a taxi home. He came home upset because he said that it was obvious to him that something could have happened but he didn't want to betray me and came home. He's been upset since as he says he felt like he betrayed me because the thought briefly popped into his head. Our friend also sent me an odd message saying "tell him I'm proud of him". When I asked the friend what he meant, he said "because he went into town and he doesn't usually". My partner has been into town before and the friend has never said this.

I'm all over the place. I hate feeling like this. The disability is relatively new and my partner has given up a lot. He's only mid 40's, I'm early 40's and I don't feel I've got the right to deny him having some sort of intimacy. It would break my heart if he did sleep with someone else but I also feel to blame for this situation. He already does so much for me. I just don't know how to feel.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Stop and breathe, nothing has happened and you clearly love each other.

What's the prognosis for your disability? Is it temporary or long term? You're doing a good thing by exercising and making improvements. Can you see a specialist or even go private?

I don't think an open relationship would work but you can still be affectionate and intimate in different ways.

Sounds like you need to work on your self esteem- spend time with friends and family who boost your mood. Have a few therapy sessions if possible. It will be worth it for your children and relationship.

It's a long term disability. I had a career and prospects prior and now I can't work in a salaried role. I have started my own business. My partner also lost his job as an academic because he spent so much time looking after me.

I did undergo therapy sessions last year due to my disability and because of issues from my abusive childhood. Unfortunately, it seems like every time I do something positive, the negativity comes back. I spoke to my grandmother about going to thr gym and how proud I am. She was very negative about it and started talking about how people "get obsessed". At times, I can't even get out of bed because it's so bad but this morning I was at the gym for 5.30am. I wish I was as mentally strong as I physically am.

I'd say for a start you need to stop pushing this open relationship - because if your husband did take you up on it (which he doesn't want to do) - you will be in a place more hellish than you are now with even more self doubt, doesn't love me, shes better, i cant give him what she can blah blah blah - and god even knows what else. Focus on what you have rather than pushing this rhetoric.