As a toddler mum, to ask for advice re parenting teenagers

[Squabblingsquirrels]

I've a 2yo so some time to go but felt so wildly unprepared in hindsight for becoming a mother. As my DC gets older and parenting shifts, AIBU to ask what I should be thinking about over next decade to help with pre-teen/teen years?

Raise your child with love but also with boundaries. Be firm but fair: keep your promises and carry out your threats.
Share the fun and also the serious stuff. Let them know that they can absolutely depend and rely on you, come what may, have their backs. But expect them to live up to your high standards.
I always say my family was a sort of benign socialist dictatorship - from each according to their ability, to each according to their needs 😀

This 100% - no best friend parenting. Let the kids know they are loved but there are rules and consequences. Have 2 older teens and its not let us down so far!

I absolutely love this and would echo it.

Sorry for being dense, but what does this look like? Being friendly and approachable but firm about the rules? If you could give an example pls.
Struggling with pre teens/teens here.
Think we have crossed over to the best friend parent in an attempt to build connection. (Neither of us had close emotional relationships with our parents so kind of parented the opposite of way but I don’t think we have the right balance.)

This is excellent, thank you. Need to consider what it looks like for our child/family.

A slightly off topic question but what were your rules around sleep with your youngsters when they were small - ie in their own beds, when they woke at night etc?

Set non negotiable rules.
For instance: no one gets in a car with anyone who has any drunk alcohol
The approachable bit: whatever time of day or night if you are in this situation call.me and I will pick you up.
I was interested in their lives. But didn't crowd them.
When younger teens we had 'phone free' days on the holidays
We always sat down for meals together at a table with no devices
I talked to them early and regularly (when it came up) about drugs, alcohol, smoking/ vaping, sexual consent, seeing/ receiving/ sending/ storing daft photos people sent of their body parts etc etc.
They were not allowed on social media before the ages it was permitted
I didn't allow cert 18 games and films until they were 18. Ditto 15.
But I was loving and always emotionally available.
They have done fine. Some MH issues, mainly centered around the pandemic. But otherwise great kids.
And I always say that it's fine to not need me/ contact me from uni. But that if they do need me I will always always be there.

I agree - you need to have the boundaries and rules in place at the very early stages.
It's almost impossible to impose them at the teen stage if it isn't something that they are used to.
Firm but fair was our motto. We liked manners, and being kind.
I don't think I ever really had to punish either of mine during teen years. A few phone confiscations (which they weren't allowed to have after bedtime, until they were 16), but that was it.

A slightly off topic question but what were your rules around sleep with your youngsters when they were small - ie in their own beds, when they woke at night etc?

I'm not sure we really had rules. The first wasn't a sleeper, the second was brilliant. Same routines etc - just down to personality. They never came into our bed at night time. The place to sleep was their own bed. To be fair, they never asked to come into ours. The only exception was when the eldest started waking at 5.00am (at around 18 months). We used to bring him in to our room so he could watch TV safely while we dozed. We had tried getting him back to sleep, but that wasn't happening.

Consistency, routine, clear boundaries and rules, starting now! Appropriate consequences for breaking of the latter. Of course these things will change as they get older but the premise remains the same.
Also remember that teens need you a lot more than they will let on. Toddlers and young children will tell you or show you that they need you, teens will not, but they really do.
One thing that remains true is always pick your battles, so choose carefully what you will allow to slide.

I would also remember the techniques you are using with your toddler now. Teens are remarkably similar to toddlers in many ways - mainly I think not knowing how to deal with the big emotions that puberty brings, where toddlers are just beginning to experience the big emotions but don't know what they are.
Only most teens are too big to pick up and carry so you do need to develop other methods too!

@VeronicaBeccabunga I totally agree with this. It sums it up very well. I’d add, do all you can to shore up your DC’s self esteem. Praise for things well done, encouragement for things they find hard, opportunities to explore interests, generally foster self worth. Teenage years are like a battering ram to self esteem. If they enter those years with reasonable self esteem already they will be less vulnerable. It’s not a failsafe but is a protective factor.

I totally agree teens are like giant toddlers.
Routine and boundaries work well for both.
Good food, plenty of rest (no phones in bedrooms), getting outside etc.
I would totally agree that it's best to pick your battles. Esp with teens. So for instance I have a no food/non water drinks upstairs rule.... so that means if they want to live in a pig sty that's their choice but at least I know I won't get vermin!!
All mine hated the no phones upstairs/ no films/ games not age appropriate rules at the time. They are all grateful now. Social media is evil for teens. A limit on it is key imo

Listen to them and ensure they know they can always come to you to talk. Small things are important to them when they're 5, so listen to them in a way that shows you're taking them seriously. Keep listening and praise them when they make good judgments.

Get them involved in things too - trying to cook, how to use the washer etc. so you're giving them the skills to be an adult as well. Encourage exercise outside of school too, as a shared family thing and a way of improving stamina, mood and sleep.

Teenage hormones are hideous but you will get them back on the other side.

I think it's just about keeping communication open, having them know you are a safe trusted person that they can come to with anything, but also being clear about boundaries. You don't have to be their 'friend' and you don't have to be the 'cool parent'. Children, especially pre-teens/teens, need someone to set safe, healthy boundaries for them and help them navigate the world. But also to know you are there for them and to talk and give advice whenever they need it.

As for sleep, we have never been 'you must sleep in your own bed' sorts of parents. We bedshared for at least the first year, but then would put them both to bed in their own rooms, and they'd come into us whenever they wanted during the night. Sleep is too important to me to waste it taking a toddler back to bed 700x a night. I'd rather just make space and we all get a good nights sleep. Both of them slept in their own beds most of every night from about 3. Eldest stopped coming in to us around 5 when younger one was born. But my youngest still comes in to ours maybe 1-2 nights a week, especially if ill. He's 6 now. We have a super king bed and a second single bed in our room, so we all make space and get back to sleep.

Parenting teens gets really tricky when they have mental health issues.

So the teens who are hardest to parent are the ones who develop anorexia or anxiety or depression.

So - build a good relationship with your child so that if they are anxious they can tell you and you will help them not shout at them. Tell them that you love them and are proud of them so that they don't feel worthless because they are not as academic as you would like and they self harm as a result.

Rules and consequences and boundaries are important but a good relationship is priceless.

Agree with the posts above especially about being parents not friends advice. A frIend, who was a teacher, told me that often parents who refused to believe that their children behaved poorly in school and didn’t support the school in enforcing boundaries etc would often come back a couple of years later saying they couldn’t control / manage their children and could the school help. I’m seeing this being played out with some children in their early teens which is a great shame.

Be prepared to change your parenting style as they get older. I have a 17 year old, I’m biased but he is lovely, but he is essentially an adult and parenting now consists of providing lots of food and lifts. We also talk a lot and listen to each other. He has changed my mind on some things, generally around having more freedom and he listens to my concerns even if he doesn’t agree with them. Realise as a parent at this age it is their life, their successes, their setbacks etc provide advice and support but it is up to them now. Lay the ground work early on. Have fun with them as well - some of our best memories are where stuff hasn’t gone to plan but we’ve laughed about it.

The rules you lay down as pre-teens pave the way for how you can parent your actual teens. If you have a 3/4yo who doesn't want to have a bath or brush their teeth, up to a point you can manhandle them into it, or make it a game. But by pre-teen point you can't really physically make them do it, so it's about the household rules of "every morning, and every evening, everyone brushes their teeth". That sets the ground rules for when you have basically zero control over a 16yo who is taller and bigger than you, but who you don't want to be stinky with yellow rotten teeth.

Keep up a bond with them by making time.
I take mine out once a month. We take it in turns to choose where. It always involves food or music because he will watch gigs with me but will not entertain being seen at the cinema with me.

Something someone told me which stuck was always listen and take an interest in stuff they tell you or stuff that's worrying them because when they're 3 it might seem like nonsense about who they sat next to at lunch today, their teacher smells funny etc, but it's still just as important to them as "bigger " stuff will be when they're 13. So if they think you're not interested now they won't be coming to you to chat about their lives or with problems when they're older

Listen listen listen. Your kid will go from believing you are the god of all things to not believing a word you say.
One thing is a parent is used to laying down the law and it being accepted (more or less). But you can't really do that with some one who can reason things out and at the same time think the universe still revolves around themselves. They will question your motives. And are struggling to work things out. But you wouldn't dictate to a friend certain things and really your child should be able to make decisions for themselves. It's hard to relinquish that.
Remember it's a tough transition to go through and they really can't understand what's going on. Why they are sullen and moody. Why they seem to lash out. Not all teens do this of course. But what you need to do is listen to what they are trying to tell you, and what they are actually telling you. You don't know what's best for them anymore. You cannot have that ultimate authority- certainly not once post 16.

A slightly off topic question but what were your rules around sleep with your youngsters when they were small - ie in their own beds, when they woke at night etc?

Always encouraged to go back to own bed but my youngest is 9 and still sometimes ends up in with us after a nightmare etc. I don't think a scared child should be forced to be on their own personally. And how many teenagers want to sleep in bed with their parents? None they all grow out of it eventually.

Give them choices and let them make some mistakes. Encourage critical thinking and reflection. At the same time let them know that certain things are absolutely non-negotiable ....this will vary depending on your own values.
Be approachable and interested (even when you are shattered after a day at work). They need to know that they can always come to you with worries.

As usual though the first response covers it pretty well

I think the key is to be responsive but try not to let it become a habit. I let the 13 year old sleep with me when terrified by a really horrible and very local incident that hit the national news...but just an ordinary day, no thanks!

I would recommend reading Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor, @Squabblingsquirrels. He says that, during adolescence, the teenage brain is actually rewiring, and that during this process, they can lose certain abilities - impulse control, temper control, empathy, sense of proportion, understanding that they aren't centre of the universe - which go a long way to explaining why teenagers can be so teenage!

He says it is akin to temporary brain damage, but that it is temporary, and once the rewiring has settled down, most, if not all of these abilities come back.

I had this book when ds3 was a teenager. His two older brothers were reasonably good during their teenage years, but ds3 was explosive and difficult - I remember my mum saying that I had had things easy with ds1 and ds2, and so I deserved one difficult teen - thanks Mum!

He did come out the other side - we all survived his teenage years - and is now a delightful man (though I might be a bit biased). Basically, over the space of a couple of days he 1) did his homework without being reminded, 2) tidied his bedroom without being nagged and 3) gave me an unsolicited hug - it was a night to day change!

I didn't get the chance to read the whole book, but it definitely helped me to understand why ds3 was the way he was. If I recall correctly, he also talks about how to handle the teenage years, but as ds3 turned 27 this year, it is quite a long time ago, and memory has faded.

Start now with good boundaries and being someone they trust.

I have 2 dd I found teens hard. One really disliked me, I got a lot of why I'm a shit parent which is rough. The other pushed boundaries constantly and expected everything her way. Also the arguments between them and the moaning.

For me it was the hardest stage.

They are 22 and 24 and we are good friends as well as mother and daughters.