Is my fella being petty?

[amyjane1989]

My fella, step dad to my children ages 11 and 14. He has two of his own but they are now 19 and 20 - he didn’t see them much growing up maybe every other weekend and they rarely see him now they are older.
he gets really annoyed at my children, like he’s never had kids before. My youngest child forgets to replace the toilet paper so start using one off the refill stand. My son is 11 and is neurodivergent, but my fella thinks it’s all an excuse for bad behaviour and poor listening. So my fella won’t replace it himself, he just leaves it as it is. I therefore sort it out and replace and get more loo rolls in there and chuck the old rolls away. Then my fella seems to get annoyed.
my daughter had a hair bobble that had dropped into the drain of the shower tray. My fella said I am just going to leave it there and she can remove it herself as I am not doing it. It just seems so petty.
They leave some of the doors open downstairs (we have a dog and try to stop it going upstairs but we also like them shut in winter to keep warm) but then my fella sometimes leaves them open too.
they make drinks and leave the glasses on the side but then so does his eldest son (20 years old) when he comes round. If they have a glass of milk sometimes they forget to put it in soak.
it is rare that I hear anything positive about my children when he has been home on a morning and I have gone to work - he constantly moans about how they were. He criticises them constantly sometimes to their faces and sometimes behind their back to me.
at work he is so very patient and kind. But at home that patience rarely exists.
i don’t know what to do. The children just don’t seem happy with his nit picking. When I do rise to defend the children and say they are kids they need to learn etc. he gets annoyed. He said they are old enough to change a loo roll, shut doors, get hair bubbles out of shower trays, put glasses in soak etc. He said we used to be a team - we probably did in his eyes as I just used to agree with him all the time.

Oh and I voted YABU because you're being unreasonable in allowing this to happen. Not in questioning it

He sounds like such a boring misery bum with his constant whinging. I’d dump for that alone, but definitely for the apparently never ending nitpicking of your children.

As an aside, I have 2 children who are ND and someone telling me they thought it was just an excuse for bad behaviour would be a huge red flag for me. I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that, let alone be in a relationship with them.

I've said 'fella' to myself too many times now, it's turned into a non-word.

He sounds awful!! Why would you expose your poor kids to this? You need to find your anger & kick the bastard out. (And I say that as someone who has kids/been divorced & now has a blended family..so I have been there myself)

How long were you together when he moved in. You can have a relationship without living together you know. You don't have to introduce them to your kids if you don't want to.

So just to go slightly against the grain.
My kids have gone through phases of being utterly thoughtless. Leaving stuff on the counter, not getting a loo roll when they finish one, dropping stuff and not picking it up.
I used to let it slide and not say anything and I realised that I was basically just running around doing every thing and they were going to grow up to be utterly selfish men who let women do everything

So yes now I don't put the bowl in the dishwasher even if I could and am putting something in myself, I call them down and tell them to. If I spot a loo roll missing I tell them to come and replace it. If they drop something I tell them to come and pick it up.
They are getting better ! Occasionally the whole kitchen is cleared away without me asking, sometimes they tidy their room spontaneously!
You have to decide whether you care about this and whether the rest of the relationship with your DP works. But hauling them up on the small stuff may not in isolation be necessarily a bad thing

This is from your other thread about this awful man
It's clear he doesn't like my children - he said it's awful to have to put up with the way they speak him in his own home etc.
what should I do: stay or go?
You need to decide who is more important to you - your children or him?

What a cheeky bastard!! ‘’In his own home’’ 🤣🤣 The kids were there first and it’s their home, too! That has infuriated me. OP needs some bloody standards. The shit that women deem acceptable never, ever ceases to amaze me. Why was she even asking whether or not she should go!?

This. Why would you subject your children to this? He sounds horrible.

OP, perhaps suggest to your charming ‘’fella’’ that if he stopped being such a twat to them, they might just stop talking to him accordingly.

And they way he didn't see his own kids much didn't tell you he isn't a kids man

You don't know what to do? You do know what to do.

You need to admit to your kids that you made a massive mistake and brought someone into their lives who has made it worse, not better, but you've realised that the way he behaves around them isn't fair and is doing a massive number on their self esteem and affecting them for the rest of their lives, so you're going to do what you need to do and ask him to leave.

There is a reason he didn't see much of his biological children while they were growing up, can you guess what it is?

What an awful man, how could you as a mother put your children through something like this as well OP? You're meant to protect them. Those poor children. They will grow up not only hating him - but you as well.

Guy is an insult to the word fella.

Ditch him

Please stop using the word fella.

Also, leave him.

Common all over the UK

Not always an endearment

So he was a rubbish father to his own children, but now you’re surprised he’s a rubbish step father to your children? I mean really OP, you must have suspected this might happen at least? It’s not fair on your kids, if he’s not willing to grow the fuck up, I don’t see how he can carry on living with you.

Suggest you read this thread OP

Anyone nitpicking my children like that would be out the fucking door.

URGENT: Shall I Divorce Him? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/5073212-urgent-shall-i-divorce-him

Your children are going to resent you both and leave home as soon as they can and never return if you don't put them first. He sounds like he hates them.and they will remember you putting yourself and him first . I.know it's not what you want to hear but the last few years with them at home are short so leave the guy and I promise there are better men out there for you in the future when your children have left.

Ive been in this exact situation!! To the point my son would be worried if making him angry, one evening my son was in bed, I checked on him and he had remembered something, he said "mum I forgot to put my bowl in the sink, can you quickly do it so XYZ doesn't get mad"

It's not a way for kids to live and it isn't a way for you to live either!
Since the relationship ended my son (and myself) have been so much happier and much less anxious!!!
No one, especially kids, should be walking on eggshells

This. No one needs a man. And no one should be with one like this. Put your Dc first and send him on his way.

I'm SO sorry OP this isn't your thread! Please ignore, I've asked MN to delete my post.

You do need to leave this wanker though. Asap.

There's a reason is own children don't see him anymore.

The last time I saw the word 'fella' was in Jackie magazine in around 1982.

I'd be kicking this prick into touch and putting your kids first.