Sad - only hear negatives from DH and only hear unwanted advice from family

[MumDaisy1980]

I am not in a good state and would like to share things in my mind. Hopefully hear some encouraging words from the forum.

I am a 1st time mum of a newborn 1 month old. I am off until October. DH has recently returned to work after 5 weeks off. A week ago , the day he supposed to back to the office, he caught a cold and it’s like the man flu level. It added strain to the nursing situation because I am worried his cold will pass it to the baby. In case of baby get ill, I have no clue what to do. We isolated as in he slept in the living room for a week. He is getting meeting after a week and last weekend UK was sunshine. He keen to get out and about to get some fresh air with the baby. Saturday was nice that as a fam for the first time we went for a picnic, but it wasn’t for long as he started feel tired not long.

On Sunday, apart from UK - most part of the world was Mother’s Day, I hinted to him as I’ve missed the UK Mother’s Day when the baby was not born yet. I very much want to go to a matcha cafe and I did sent him a link already. Sunday when he asked what to do, and I said if there is nothing plan we can go to the matcha cafe I seen before and he said yes. But later, he searched for a local one which is 40mins walk away and with pretty good rating. We thought it was a nice day so 40mins walk is fine , also it’s like exercise for the day. We can reward ourselves with some premium coffee after. But on the day with 25-26 degree, he somehow chose to wear winter hoodie, and black trousers. Before we head off I already asked if he is sure about what he is wearing and he said yes. But I know whenever he is overheat and lack of food, he become grumpy and liked to loose temper on me. And as expected within 5 mins of outing, I started with very good mood and dressed up nicely. We were in a narrow pedestrian road with a guy overtaking me from behind, it’s a very normal incident the guy simply say sorry and I said sorry back to give way. He then talked down on me as of like it’ my fault saying pay attention. This has irritated me because my eyes don’t grow at the back of my head, wouldn’t be the guy overtaking should pay attention? Moreover, what’s wrong with that and need a comment like that? That’s not the point and I just know he just want to vent sth. Later on in the journey, it continued to have similar 2-3 incidents - for example a drug addict kind of person asked DH for road direction, and he pointed that it’s because I talked loud and attracted unnecessary attention. Not only that, DH didn’t follow the google direction and picked a ‘safer’ route ended up we might have walked more than 1.5 hours under the sun. We also then arrived found out that the cafe had long closed! It’s very frustrating and I simply couldn’t think at that time. He then suggested to take a bus to go to the cafe that I suggested. So we had wasted tremendous of time for nothing. It’s very frustrating afternoon. I couldn’t t think at the time and just said yes. But then when we waiting the bus, he then added a comment saying ‘I shouldn’t have get out of the house, I am still ill’. Then I said then let’s go home. He then said ‘ oh if I didn’t go out with you, I am sure you will comment that I didn’t celebrate Mother’s Day with you’. Besides, I don’t see any effort he wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day. He more like tick the box exercise for him. I remember when I was pregnant he even suggested shall we never celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. First because no one ever care about Father’s day and he said it’s just for commercial reason. I was very angry and sad that day. As in I feel I am not appreciated and it’s such a lovely weather being wasted in the argument all started from him. He didn’t even admin that. If he didn’t make those comment I wouldn’t react. That evening I was very angry and he did feel sorry later the night and just said very meaningful sorry.

The day after I had plenty of sleep so in good mood and chose to move on (but usually we would reconcile but because this time have a baby I just don’t have the energy continue the fight). Today Tuesday he back to work and his cold is not fully recovered, so when he back home he wasn’t in good energy level which I don’t blame him. The whole evening he didn’t even look at me or talk to me, he hated the dinner and I knew he is in bad mood so I didn’t even talk to him. Just say one or two sentences of the day, but he still have to find things to pick on me . He said I am not treating the baby right. I had the baby on a sling so I can have dinner without interruption. This has irritated me because he was really commenting something at me to relieve his bad energy. In fact this had consistently happened during pandemic time, just after childbirth his mental state improved. But today was unbearable given Sunday incident was not really resolved. I am crying now. I was angry so I handed the baby right back to him and said he knows best what to do with the Baby and I know nothing. The baby cried for half an hour with him, he just scrolled the phone and let the baby cry next to him. I then go get the baby as it’s time to breastfeed . I asked him why the baby still crying if he knows best what to do. He just shrugged his shoulder , staring at his phone and gave me such an attitude.

He is in a bad mood probably due to his cold but I don’t think that’s mean have to be treated me bad and rudely. This is what have been happening and this moment always make me question what’s the point to even live together if there is no social aspect and I have to served two for dinner do the laundry in exchange for oh you didn’t do this right. You didn’t do that , can you not doing this from now on etc.

On the other aspect about unwanted advice from family I perhaps will create another thread. These two things together made me very low today. Tomorrow health visitor is visiting and I am considering sharing these with her, should I? Though I am not expecting much help from health visitor as seems it’s just their routine visit.

Sad mama

Hey OP, being a first time mum is SO hard, you’re tired, there is no break, it can be very overwhelming and emotional. It sounds like you and your partner are having a difficult time. I think you should say it to your health visitor, because it will help to talk, and I also think you should try to have a chat with your partner and explain that you guys need to be a team now, more than ever, and that means having your back and not treating you rudely. I hope you feel better soon. When your husband is at work, why don’t you and the baby go for a matcha tea together? X

@Dazedandconfusedma thank you so much for your kind words. It’s really helpful. Indeed I did plan to go visit the matcha cafe with Baby instead. I have never explore places with my baby alone that’s not 10mins away from home. I am pretty nervous of travelling with baby on public transport. What if it cry it’s lung out in a crowded bus or tube…or I have to breastfeed unexpectedly. Ha.

Asking someone to celebrate you is a recipe for disaster. And this was a random Sunday you dressed up as Mother’s Day, it didn’t have any meaning to anyone but you. Real Mother’s Day doesn’t even mean anything to him. He went along with it reluctantly and you got the inevitable result.

Both of you are tired with the new baby, he’s poorly and adapting to going back to work with a baby at home and crying though the night. This was just a hassle he didn’t need.

There are loads of threads about posters whose DH/DP aren’t fussed about hallmark days, they force the issue and are disappointed when it causes arguments.

You probably should have both stayed home and got some sleep when the baby went down.

@StormingNorman thank you for your honest opinion.

You can't complain about his lack of effort for Mothers Day when it wasn't actually Mother's Day but a random Sunday you chose because you were pregnant for this year's MD.

He shouldn't be giving you the silent treatment, it's an immature way to deal with problems and never solves anything.

Maybe practice breast feeding so that you would feel comfortable doing it in public if you need to? I used to wear two tops - a strappy top underneath that I’d pull down and a T-shirt on top that I’d pull up. This gave me some coverage but was also quite easy (&cheap). If you can learn to feel comfortable breast feeding in public you’ll have tons more freedom. But I know it’s hard to get over the first hurdle!

Also, sometimes the baby will cry in public - I had many occasions, and a couple of particularly bad times on the tube, but again, try not to let it stop you from going out. Although I appreciate it’s still very early days for you!

@Dazedandconfusedma thanks again for your comments. They are helpful especially about the breastfeeding tips, I did struggle to find suitable clothes and found not economical to get nursing clothing. The choices are also very limited.

@DaniMontyRae thank you.

and, I think where I was coming from was really want to celebrate the childbirth & motherhood.

since baby born, I have already been saying should celebrate with a nice meal before he returned to work. And it didn’t happen, as we both so caught up with everyday taking care of the baby. Besides, it was a built up to the point that I couldn’t bear because since baby was born , though surrounded by congratulations from friends and family - I don’t have the same happiness as they felt, majority was really paying attention to the newborn. I’ve experienced this probably typical postpartum stage that, I somehow become isolated by all the people who are so happy about the arrival of the baby. Nobody really ask how am I doing including my parents, DH (those I valued the most and especially at early stage my body was weak from recovery). They just asked about the baby. In contrast , the only people asked were midwife and health visitor. For me, they are the least related people.

i wanted some sort of proper celebration with DH. And as we couldn’t manage to go restaurant, I suggested a nice cafe at least.

He sounds quite moody and like he takes his mood out on you?

Has this always been the case? It's ok not to accept being his verbal punchbag and if he sulks or ignores you don't rise to his childish behaviour.

I wouldn't accept negative comments about my parenting, if he does that tell him you need to be a team who support each other not put each other down.

But we only know the op's side of all this, there could be things that could be different if we were to see both sides

Op maybe the idea of 'forced' or fake celebrations is not his thing, he could be being unreasonable but you could also be coming across to him and too needy?

No one on here knows either way but maybe just ease of on the 'we have to celebrate' bit

Wtf with the low expectations on here? She’s a new mother who birthed his baby extremely recently. Why shouldn’t she be celebrated on any day she bloody chooses?

Op - he sounds like a moody man child. Sorry your day was rubbish. Enjoy a cafe with your baby.

Some gentle advice for you, OP: I think you need to adjust your expectations of early motherhood, as some of them are unrealistic.

Planning to have a nice meal out or a trip to a cafe with SUCH a young baby is a recipe for disaster, and is just not a priority. At this stage, your priority is survival- keeping yourself and the baby clean and fed, and you getting as much sleep as possible, is all you should be worrying about. If you are managing that, you are doing a lot better than most first-time mums!

And it is very normal for people to focus on the baby rather than you once it is born. It's because they are so excited about the new person in the family, who they already love. Your husband should be checking in with you to see how you're feeling, but you may need to tell him, as the baby will be his priority, just as it is yours.

Do tell your health visitor or GP how you are feeling, as you may need a bit of extra help (I did), but a huge part of new motherhood is learning to accept that your wants and needs will always come second to those of your baby. I genuinely think that acceptance will help you feel better.

I agree

@ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst thank you. yes he has the tendency to treat me like verbal punchbag. I had created a post about it before, most respond asked me to leave him which I see it’s not an option. In pandemic time the situation was worse. During preg, he treated me the best. Then after birth baby, it fell back to before at odd days. In fact he has been saying I am childish throughout the arguments.

@SpringerFall thank you and your comment was fair. I was very unhappy and would like to hear some words stand by my side really. A lot of my best friends not have children, I found it hard to talk to them as hard for them to understand about the hard times of childbearing. They do know about DH mental state during pandemic. I wasn’t happy when he took on me whenever he is stressed.

@Outwiththenorm thank you. :)

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine Thank you. I definitely will take your advice on board. I also aware not easy to go restaurant as a fam. Besides, the unwanted advice from my family was similar to your comment. They strongly disagree for me to fly the baby at 6 month old to visit them. But I want to visit my family who lives overseas and I felt not an issue. (and there are more details about this unwanted advice bit)

@IdaPolly thank you

It's a very unpopular opinion, but I'm afraid I agree with your family here: a plane journey is not in a 6-month-old's best interests.

Hi @MumDaisy1980

One of the lovely thing about having children is starting family traditions. And the great thing is YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CELEBRATE WHATEVER and WHENEVER YOU WANT!! Families observe all kinds of different cultural traditions and celebrate individuals in their family in all sorts of ways, and there are no rules and there is no one policing your celebrations. If your family wants to celebrate mother's day on a different day, no problems. If you want to celebrate Bananas and decorate the house in yellow on the first day of summer each year - go for it.

Secondly, it is reasonable to expect have a mature conversation about what/how you would like to celebrate with your husband. A regular husband would express interest and care in what you want, and would engage with you to find a solution that he is happy with and you are happy with. It doesn't sound like your husband is either willing or able to do this. And tbh it doesn't sound like he wants to do this because it is not too hard to say "I hear you want to celebrate mother's day, can you tell me more about why this is so important to you?"

Hope you make sure you have financial independence going forward, so you are not trapped with someone who perhaps doesn't care much about your feelings.

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine thank you

@Janpoppy thank you for your kind words. The financial bit is a good reminder. Thanks.

Just an update that, met with home visitor today which was more helpful than I think.

i couldnt contained myself and had a good cry with someone who actively listen to me. That’s really helpful.

she gave me resource that I could find someone to talk to if I have a moment low like this.

she also offer an additional phone call with me next week to check how I get on and if need more help.

overall, I felt things are getting better !

Maybe try reading properly. It wasn't a "random day". OP's not from the UK and wanted to celebrate Mother's Day on the same date as the majority of the western world.