to feel threatened by

[MilkMonitor]

my MIL?

She loves my DCs. But she's always interfering in parenting decisions as if she's their mother. She's mad keen on them and wants them with her every day. She says she misses them all the time and looks at their photos all the time.

She doesn't work (she's 51) and has nothing to do, she says.

I feel like she wants to be mother to my kids and not the doting GP. I find it suffocating. My SIL said that MIL thinks she's mother to her kids too. I just don't like it. I'm their mum and I feel like she's competing with me all the time for their affection and being the No. 1 in their lives. Their dad is their number one anyway! But she takes such competitive satisfaction from any interest they show in her. She's always trying to get DS1 into bed with her to read stories, which I find weird too.

Oh, dear, tricky situation. What does your dh make of it?

My mum's the same - she told me she couldn't love my dd more if she was her own, and that sometimes she cries because she loves her so much.

Don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know you're not the only one.

My mum is a bit like that too.
I don't find it threatening, but a bit annoying at times and suffocating as Milk says.
I don't think the stories in bed is weird - lots of kids do that.
I'm not sure of the best way to handle it, tbh but as natural blond says, you're not alone!

But DS doesn't really want to get into bed with her. She's the one trying to do this. It's not anything sinister - it's just part of her not leaving them alone.

Why do I feel threatened by her? I think I feel that she could take over my mummy status and mean much much more to them. And it bothers me a lot that this is what she's hoping for. Why would she want to compete with a mother?

She could never take their Mum's place!
If your ds doesn't want to snuggle in, then I suppose you just have to stick up for him if you are around.
Does she really want to take your place or is it more of a feeling you are getting from her behavior?

She says things like, "It's as if they are my children," "Thank you for giving me these children," (as if I had them for her benefit or something), "I'm not your mummy but I wish I was," (when DS1 was a baby).

She may want to take over your mummy status but the good news is that she won't. You are the mummy and however much fun they have or time they spend with grandma, she won't be able to usurp your unique place. Even if they occasionally stab you with remarks like "you're a horrible mummy, grandma always lets us jump on the beds/eat jam with our hands/set fire to her hairnets" etc.

I'm sorry that she's 51, doesn't work and has nothing to do but it's not down to you or your DCs to fill her time.

How old are your DCs? Do you think the novelty will wear off when they get to a certain age?

she sounds very needy...maybe spending some time with her away from the kids might help her and you feel less insecure about your roles in each others lives- could you take her out to see a show or something?

Yes, the concept of boundaries seems to have passed her by! What does your dh say about it?
Sorry, I have to bugger off now but will check in tomorrow, see if you've had any good advice.

i would tell her that her saying things like that is inane and thoughtless and you don't like it. Ask her how she would have felt if her MIL said things like that to her about her own dcs....

Buy her a puppy.

She's got a dog, her "baby,".

How on earth can I say to her, "You're trying to be the DC's mummy," without sounding like a wally?

We've had words about her crossing boundaries, disguised as arguments about other things. She thinks I'm just jealous. I probably am. I just feel so worried she can take them away from me emotionally and that if she could, she really would. It's odd on two levels there IYSWIM. I know realistically she can't but I still am upset that she might and that she wants to take over.

DH feels all panicky when I say bad things about his mother. It upsets him a lot. She just loves the DCs, he says.

Perhaps you need to limit the times she sees your dcs. If she keeps calling, be busy, but make arrangements to see her on a specific day. Back off very slowly. If your ds doesn't feel strongly that he wants to see his grandma so often, you won't be depriving him.

I don't think that you can have any kind of conversation with her about this. I just can't see that ever working out. Way too emotional and fraught.

Instead, could you try to remind yourself that nobody can ever replace you in your children's affections? When somebody else loves them, it doesn't mean that you're getting pushed out. Really, it's wonderful for your kids that they have an adoring Granny. The more love they have in their lives, the better, no?

God, listen to me, like I'm all lofty and serene and never get insecure about anything. Two months ago when I had just had my DS2 in hospital, a midwife enthusiastically offered to take him from me while I had a shower. Sweet of her, yes? Not in my eyes. During the shower I convinced myself she was an evil baby-stealer or some Munchausen-crazed baby killer and I finally erupted from the bathroom and went hacking it up the corridor to save my precious infant from her clutches.

That's completely irrelevent. I'm no help, sorry.