Pre-occupied by the idea of ‘happily ever after’

[Caterpillarcolins]

I’ve been like this since I was a child, obsessed with the idea of the happily ever after, the one, romantic love. I think I read and watched a lot of fairytales when I was younger.
I continue to be like this now. Constantly preoccupied with finding ‘the one’ the current relationship I’m in is going stale and this is a common pattern in my life. We’ve been together since 2017 so 7 years now. I always get like this. I become bored and want the butterflies again. I start questioning whether I should be with the person - confusing stability and being content with boredom and them not being ‘the one’.

This idea of romantic love permeates everything. I hate it.

You seem fixated on romance only being relevant at the beginning of relationships or when you first meet someone. To me, romance is more than initial butterflies - it's building a life together and strengthening your foundations, discovering things together, adventures together, really knowing that person inside and out and committing to each other.

Sounds like you need to change your mindset. If you're just after the butterflies, maybe long term relationships aren't for you.

The reality is that those butterflies you crave do not last, or rather not for the vast majority of people. You know that but crave that feeling. It's certainly possible to be in an exciting relationship after just 7 years though, I would look at whether it is you not engaging.

I'm a realist and know the most important aspect of a long term relationship is to be a best friend that you want to spend time together, that doing the mundane together, trip to diy store or clearing out the garage is a pleasant experience because you are doing it together, the romance bit is lovely but life can't be all romantic gestures. I'm planning our retirement together so 24/7, quite a challenging thought so just as well we love to do things together.

Compatibility long term can be hard to judge at the start. Only you know if that's the case, and if you are compatible work out how to keep that sparkle alive, a good partner will be open to suggestions

I don't believe in 'the one', but I do think people find a partner who are head over heels in love forever, though this is not the norm.

I think most people love their partner but accept that nobody is perfect, and therefore accept the other person and their faults. It's only for you to decide what you are willing to compromise on within your relationship.

The is no ‘the one’, there should be two people who are committed to each other, who support each others emotional needs and have shared feelings about the future and dreams.

You’re chasing a feeling that will always fizz out. No matter what relationship you’re in. That’s when the deep connection kicks in and you value that person being part of your life.

Have a look at why the fantasy in your head is more important than the reality you have.

Has the relationship run its course or are you throwing away a secure relationship that just needs a bit of work on to revive connection?

By the way - dating has changed a lot since 2017 be very careful about throwing away a secure loving relationship for the sake of chasing a thrill because lovely - it’s slim pickings

I know it’s Instagram cheese but the older I get the more I believe that Love is a verb. As in, a conscious choice and something you do need to work at, particularly in a long term relationship. I’m not saying that a relationship should be hard work but rather a sustained long term relationship takes commitment and consistent actions. It won’t be butterflies forever but if that’s really what you need are there ways you could reintroduce that feeling into your stable relationship? Go to a bar and pretend to be strangers? Book a hotel room for one night?

When I look at my husband now I admit I rarely feel ‘butterflies’, but for me I feel something better, a deep happiness, contentment and love for a man who loves, supports and cares for me & our DC.

I've been with my DH 25 years, I still get butterflies when I haven't seen him in a while due to his work. It's rare though I realise. Long term successful relationships also seem to be rare, only one other couple we knew at the beginning of our relationship are also still together now. You need to think about what the relationship IS giving you, not just what it isn't as life isn't a Disney Princess movie

There is no such thing as the one. There are millions of people on this planet that you could have a satisfying life with OP. Most of them you'll never meet, some of them you will, but at the wrong time. And some of them you'll meet at the perfect time.

The person isn't anything special. Its the conjunction of the right person, at the right time, in the right place that makes it special.

You say you've got the seven year itch now, what you need to work out is whether its because your partner actually isn't right for you, or whether he's not meeting the standards of this perfect mythical "one" that you've got on an unattainable pedestal.

What everyone else has said....There is no such thing as "happily ever after". Even in long-term contented marriages there will be ups and downs. I feel you need a proper dose of realism, somehow.

At least you recognize there is a problem with the way you see relationships and romance. It might be worth finding someone to talk it through further.

I've been with my husband 30 years. We are happy. If I am bored, then I look for ways to fix that myself, in all parts of my life. It's unreasonable to expect your relationship with one person to give you everything you need and stop you being bored. Excitement and fulfilment comes from you relationship with your partner, but also other family and friends, plus work, community, personal development and whatever you do for fun! What the ideal relationship needs to do primarily, I think, is to provide you the safe place, the confidence, the freedom to look for excitement everywhere. Not just be focused on the relationship itself.

The opening of your post is more insightful than its conclusion -- the issue is with you, and your own script about romantic love. Maybe you'd be better off having a lot of short term relationships? Or therapy in which you unpick your own assumptions?

Go on then, what was your home life like when you landed on the idea that the butterflies of meeting a new person was sustainable with happily ever after?

How old are you?
I always say people should never 'settle' but that is easier to do when you are 21, harder at 41.
I've been married over 30 years and still get that warm, tingly feeling in certain situations with DH (that's not to say we haven't had ups and downs, they add to the excitement). Boredom has certainly never been a part of our relationship so I would argue that if you feel your current relationship is stale you should look elsewhere.

I’m 35.