are your kids competitive and would you worry if they werent?

[899787j]

Was chatting to a few school parents about how best to motivate our kids - and most mentioned their kids are quite competitive so it's pretty easy to get them to take part in things and try their best. My kid is really not, he does well enough but isnt outwardly competitive, gets shy easily and generally has a problem with taking part if he doesnt feel like he can do something.

I always used to think that being competitive wasnt all that important but looking around me, it's actually a lot easier to motivate those kids that are. If your kid wasnt competitive, did you worry? How did you try to get them to join in and motivate them to try their best?

Being competitive and being motivated are not the same thing.

I am not competitive at all, never have been and I actively HATE the competitive mindset.

My daughter is extremely motivated, because she wants to do well and has her own goals she wants to reach. She is not really competitive though, infact she loves to celebrate others victories and is the first to congratulate someone who has done well even if they "beat" her.

My brother is extremely competitive, he is completely motivated by "winning" this does mean if he can't beat other people he just doesn't do something, I think he gets a lot less joy out of games etc than my non competitive child.

I agree with pp that competitive and motivated are very different.

I have 3 kids and 1 of them is very competitive and motivated. Motivated makes parenting easier. Eg I didn’t have to tell her to study for exams but her competitive side manifested as sibling rivalry which can’t be good emotionally as it must relate to insecure feelings. At school her competitive nature led to top grades in exams etc but I don’t think her achievements made her happier as she sees them relative to the people that she’s competing with.

Another of my kids isn’t competitive but is motivated. He’s happier because he’s achieved his goals and has the resilience and drive to achieve his future goals too. His sister’s success doesn’t phase him because he has the confidence and drive to achieve what he wants in other ways. This is how I had to parent him too. His sister was always trying to outdo him so he had to do activities that she wasn’t allowed to do so he had the space to discover himself.

I think that you’re looking for confidence tips rather than competitiveness tips. In my experience confidence comes from achieving things and realising that you are at least as good as everyone else. My non competitive son did activities that didn’t involve competition - no team sports etc His activities were about improving his skills eg martial arts and he enjoyed seeing his personal progress eg a new belt each time.

My son is a young adult now but when he was at school, he had some social speech therapy at school. He went from staying silent in group work situations to contributing without fear that he was wrong. I know that school funding is very different these days but I am grateful for the school intervention at the time. A year later he was the lead character in the year group play - something that I never imagined for him.

I am not competitive and neither is DH. Both of us are very successful so it's not something I ever felt was ever necessary. I'd say it's seen as quite a negative trait around here, quite selfish and focused on one's own success at the expense of co-operation.

My kids all play team sports, so I think that naturally makes them competitive (or maybe it's the other way around and the competitive kids end up playing team sports?) - you have to have some desire to win or it would seem a bit pointless. I think a bit of healthy competition is a good thing, as long as you can also be a gracious loser.

I agree it's not the same as motivation. Two of mine are also very motivated and self-disciplined whereas the other one is a bit lazy. I agree it's easier to parent a motivated kid, I'm not sure how you achieve it though as it seems to be just how they are!

DD competes with her pony, and is very motivated and ambitious, but not competitive in that sort of semi-negative way that people here are describing. If somebody described their child as 'oh he's very competitive' I would roll my eyes and sort of assume that child is a PITA and complains every time anybody else does well at anything.

There is a difference between being competitive, and being ambitious and motivated. DD wants to do well and gets frustrated with herself if she has not ridden well, or if the pony hasn't performed as well as we know they can in training. And she will moan to me if she thinks something is actually unfair (e.g. somebody riding in a class they're not really eligible for, somebody using non-compliant tack etc. that gives them an advantage), but she won't care about not winning if she thinks she has given it her best shot. She has ridden at national championships and loves watching the more experienced/better riders and learning from them.

So people sometimes say to me that DD is competitive, because she is determined, she works hard, and she sets high standards for herself and is upset when she doesn't meet them, but she isn't actually competitive at all in the sense of 'against other people'. She cheers her friends on and is excited for them when they do well or beat her.

We come across all kinds of people on the whole spectrum of competitiveness in the horse world, and some of them are simply dreadful (parents as well as kids!), but actually most are just trying to do the best they can and achieve their goals.

I am not competitive at all.
I am a motivated person though, I have a degree, I've gotten good jobs, I've lived abroad, I have skilled hobbies and have learned an additional language.
I don't believe that competitiveness and motivation are the same.
But an unmotivated person might have trouble achieving certain things I suppose? So perhaps your concern is more about a lack of motivation or passion to do/achieve something?
What exactly do you want them to take part in? That might give a better picture of what your concern is.
Some people don't like competing and the negative attitude it can bring out in others.. I found running races at sports day humiliating and upsetting because I always came last & some kids would laugh at me.
But I competed in swimming competitions and even won once, but I enjoyed that because the people in the environment weren't unkind if you did badly.
I never enjoyed team sports because of people shouting in your face when you missed catching a ball for example. I endured it during PE because you have to but I wouldn't have chosen to do it outside of requirements.
I really enjoy playing games for the fun involved, though obviously the point of most games is to try and win but I wouldn't be upset if I lost because it's not the important aspect to me.

I agree with other posters. Competitiveness and motivation don't necessarily go hand in hand.

Dc1 is motivated. He wants to join the navy, has a long term plan and is very focused on that. He does well at most things but it's not driven by a need to win. He enjoys learning purely for learning's sake.

Dc2 is competitive. She'll push herself to excel in things she sees others excelling in but doesnt have the same motivation to learn the more mundane things when there isn't scoring involved.

For confidence, a small local drama group has done wonders for dc1 (who finished speech therapy not that long ago). I also tend to recommend scouting for confidence building. Learning that they can do all sorts of responsible activities (sailing, camping, cooking on oven fires etc) from a young age really helps I think. My two have gained so much, it's boosted their self esteem, their skill sets and widened their friendships.

I don't have kids but based on my own family, I'd say that 'competitive' and 'motivated' are not the same thing. Also, some people are very competitive about some things and not at all competitive about others.

My brother, for example, is/was very competitive about sports and games, because he likes sport and likes playing games. But despite being extremely bright, he is not remotely competitive career-wise and was extremely lazy at school. He didn't bother to finish his A-levels and has always done low-paid jobs.

I am not remotely competitive about my career either - but I was very competitive around academic stuff. I always wanted to be top in certain subjects at school and I always wanted to get a 1st in my degree. I am competitive about things like pub quizzes and board games. But work-wise, I honestly couldn't give a shit about progressing in my career, getting promoted etc. I just want to do what I do, do it well, and enjoy it. I earn way less than I could, because I simply cannot be bothered with the stress of working in a higher level position.

I'd also add that competitiveness can also deter some people from actually trying for things, because with competitiveness comes a fear of failure. Sometimes, a competitive person might not apply for an internal promotion, for example, because they can't stand the thought that someone else might 'beat' them in the interview process.

I think every is right that motivation and competitiveness are not the same thing. We were talking about it in relation to motivating little kids to do something like reading, getting better a riding a bike, playing football... i.e. getting them to do things that intrinsically might not be that much fun until you get to a certain level. All the other parents said that their kids are competitive and can easily be pushed by say having a rewards chart. My child just isnt like that. He will do things he is interested in but for example when it comes to football - he wont try because he says that everyone else is better than him. That's true because they play all the time while he watches from the side-lines. Any tips on how best to motivate a reluctant child?