Is anyone else constantly worried about making the wrong decisions?

[Wasabiforlunch]

And ruminating on the ones you have already made?

I’m 35 this year and terrified that I’ll reach 70 or 75 and realise I should have done so many things differently, I don’t want to be filled with regret, I’ve already got some and that’s bad enough.

I’m talking about potentially being with the wrong person but possibly never finding the right one, wrong job, living in a house you don’t like, not travelling enough, not having any or enough m DC etc etc.

Do you just come to accept things or will every mistake haunt me forever?

No. There are so many variables in life that I honestly believe it all evens out in the end.

Yip that’s me and it’s horrible. Not sure how to stop it.

I don’t think regrets are very useful, every mistake in life is a lesson. Do you think there might be something that’s bothering you in your life? Something missing or something you want to change?

*edit to say I think it helps to be really clear in your own mind of what you want out of life on a basic level.

You may want to read Oliver Burkeman's book Four Thousand Weeks, especially the parts about the limit-embracing life and finitude. I'm a huge fan of all his thoughts about this kind of stuff.

I’m 35 this year and terrified that I’ll reach 70 or 75 and realise I should have done so many things differently, I don’t want to be filled with regret, I’ve already got some and that’s bad enough

I AM 70 this year and experiencing something of what you are talking about. I haven't travelled a lot, I haven't read as many books as I could have, I have a failed marriage and few relationships behind me...

I found this about regret in a book I bought years ago

Regret is usually a stale, stillborn emotion that get you nowhere. It gets you nowhere because it is full of ego. 'Why didn't I do those things? why didn'tI become somebody?' Regret can be a kind of whining, or it can develop from the sheer failure to have sufficient insight into your life.

Remorse is different...it pricks you into awareness and stimulates new and fresh behaviour.

The writer goes on to say that regrets are cheap and don't so much for you because what can you change? it's done and dusted, or not done. Remorse can spur you into changing your life. So you can say 'yes, I didn't do x, y and z and I regret that but I'm going to change what it is in my life that means I didn't do those things/become that person.'

This sounds like a self esteem and confidence issue – that you lack security and confidence in your own decision making and ability to steer your life, and see yourself as a passive subject whom things simply happen to, rather than an agent with the ability to make things happen. Things like not being happy in a relationship or not liking the house you live in or wanting to travel more aren’t things you should worry about spending your entire life regretting: they’re all things which you can grab by the horns and change. They also aren’t “mistakes”: ultimately we all make life choices based on where we are at a particular point in time. With further time, we may come to realise that those choices aren’t making us happy anymore, but that doesn’t mean they were mistaken choices – the only mistakes are the ones we continue making, and apart from anything else, you can’t pick one single factor and attribute everything that’s wrong in your life to it. For one thing, who’s to know that an alternative choice mightn’t have made you even less happy?

I left a perfectly good relationship, because I’d never been with anyone else (we’d been together since we were 19) and I didn’t want to ‘regret’ never having those experiences.
I now regret that too, all those years later as I never met anyone who came close or who was any ‘better’.
I’m scared I’ll get to 70+ and realise I’ve missed out on true love.

You were obviously dissatisfied enough with the relationship that you left it because you knew something wasn’t quite right, even though it was ostensibly “perfectly good.” You recognised that you weren’t in love and that there was something missing – that makes it the right choice, not the wrong one. Do you think you’d be blissfully happy now, had you stayed in the old relationship which was missing something? Or would you still be wondering whether that was it for you and what you were missing out on? You didn’t make a mistake: you now know a bit better what you want and don’t want from a relationship – hence why you’ve not stayed with any of the other people you’ve met since, instead of settling, because you knew they weren’t actually great relationships.

Yes I'm actually exhausted from it. I have 3 sen children 2 that will never be independent and one that's medically complex, I research and second guess myself all the time I also have diagnosed adhd so making decisions are already hard enough.

Do you still know him? Just thinking that I'm facebook friends with my 'first love' and OMG am I glad I'm not still with him. He seems to have a nice family and life but the stuff he posts about - we are both very different people now.....

@BigDahliaFan No unfortunately not. I wish I was in a way but he’s deleted all his social media. The only thing I could find him on was LinkedIn.

Someone recently said to me "you can spend so long looking down at your feet that you don't see what's in front of you."

I think this sums life up. It's short and we get one crack at it. At 35 you still have loads of time to achieve the things you want to in life. I speak as someone who reunited with an ex, which I never thought would happen, and within less than a year we were living together and I was pregnant at 40. We're now engaged with a son. I'm not sure if those are life goals you have or not, but it shows that anything can happen. Try to change your mindset and think about what's ahead of you and what's within your gift to change. If you aren't happy with your lot at the moment, think about what you can do to change it. And on the ex, rose tinted glasses are great... there's no guarantee you would still be together now anyway. And if you're meant to be, it'll happen. Message him on LinkedIn if it's keeping you awake at night. What have you got to lose? And if he's attached or not interested, at least you'll know so you can free up some headspace and be open to meeting someone else. 35 is so young, grab life by the balls and go for it!