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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not believe the findings of that 'do the housework and you'll have more sex' survey?

49 replies

Hassledhubby · 03/04/2008 18:22

Sorry to bother the female users of this site, but could you help me out with something? I have been perplexed for some weeks now by the recent well-publicised report that if we men want our missuses to leap on us in a spontaneous frenzy of sexual abandonment, like tigresses ravishing lions, then all we have to do is our fair share of the household chores and sympathetically say 'mmm, I know' and 'oh dear' every time they worry about something (which in the case of Mrs HH is roughly once every 5 minutes). So here's what's perplexing me: I am sure I have been practicing this behaviour since long before this study, but far from receiving unqualified thanks let alone a daily shag-fest, my routine goes something like this:

HH: (to Mrs HH who's in bed at 7.30am) here's the cup of tea I made you darling
MrsHH: don't leave it on the bedside table, take it back downstairs
HH: I've made the kids' breakfast (again)
Mrs HH: yes but you've put too much milk in DS1's cup and why is all this mess here?
HH: I've put the washing in the laundry
Mrs HH: did you spot-spray the stains with Vanish first? No, I thought not
HH: I'm just chopping the vegetables for tea
Mrs HH: that's far too many and don't chop them on there that's the board for the bread and dairy
HH: just tidied up the living room, dear, like I promised
MrsHH: right, so where did you put my glasses?
HH: can I pour you a glass of wine, love?
MrsHH: you've not opened a new bottle, have you?...

...You get the picture...

and as for the listening sympathetically bit, whenever she expounds at length on the issues that concern her - which is usually the school curriculum, the secondary schooling, the teachers at school, the parents at school, the parents not at school etc - she is so well versed and frankly so expert in these subjects that my 'mmm, I knows', and 'oh dears' and 'tut-tuts' are finally greeted with 'anyway there's no point talking to you, you don't know anything about it' (which is harsh though, I admit, more or less fair).

Instead of my day ending with MrsHH whispering lasciviously into my ear that she is going upstairs to put on the new thing she bought from Agent Provocateur, it ends with her calling back down the stairs that she's just going on the computer. And while she's poring over her G and T threads on mumsnet, I spend my time pouring myself G and Ts in front of the telly. So my question is to the ladies in the house: 'where am I going wrong?' Or am I just a statistical variation from the norm of the survey?

PS if MrsHH is reading this, I've just unloaded the dishwasher so you might want to come down now and put the cake tins in the correct cupboard because, yes, I know, I am bound to have put them in the wrong one, again
----

OP posts:
motherhurdicure · 03/04/2008 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 03/04/2008 18:36

Can I borrow you please . I don't think my DH does that much in a year.

BTW tigresses and lions?

MadameCh0let · 03/04/2008 18:49

It's definitely true MrHassled.

There was no way a woman is going to be in the mood for sex after MrHassled has been reclining on the sofa all weekend while Mrs Hassled loads/unloads washing machine, hangs out clothes, washes up, puts dishes away, wipes down counters etc etc etc.

I don't know about "spontaneous frenzy of sexual abandonment, like tigresses ravishing lions"........ but I think I would have agreed to a bit of jiggy jiggy if I wasn't still seething with rage over all the things that he hadn't had the energy or the inclination to help with.

hth

ivykaty44 · 03/04/2008 18:52

Does Mrs hh give you a run down of every little thing she does around the house ?? I doubt it, stop telling her what you have done - just do it and do get some pop up pants to do the housework in once you have sent the dc to (somewhere you think of yourself on your own)

SmugColditz · 03/04/2008 18:52

Sorry, it is funny though.

if you didn't do any housework, you'd be getting even less sex, look at it that way.

And stop telling her what you have done. "I've hoovered, like I said I would!" only needs 'Mummy' tacked on the end of it to make it utterly clear you consider it to be her job. Not sexy.

hecate · 03/04/2008 18:53

MrsHH, I suggest you stop being such a nitpicker and appreciate your husband, you mean old thing!

And can I borrow him? my guttering needs clearing....

OrmIrian · 03/04/2008 18:54

I agree madamecholet - seething with rage is never a good preparation for sex.

hecate · 03/04/2008 18:54

oh, er, that was not a euphamism you understand..

hecate · 03/04/2008 18:55

And on a serious note - stop pointing out everything you do. Does she point out to you everything she does? I doubt it. Stop thinking that you are doing household stuff for her and start seeing it as just doing household stuff because it's your house too.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/04/2008 18:57

Hmm, I think some women's low libido problems can be caused (or partly caused) by lack of domestic help, but there's no way the problem is always the same one.

NotQuiteCockney · 03/04/2008 18:59

So, really, MrHH, I think you need ask MrsHH what would help with her libido. Rather than the rest of us.

ivykaty44 · 03/04/2008 19:00

It really is a turn of if your dh becomes another one of the dc looking for praise.

Be a man and do it descreatly with a few romantic touches added in - the rose with the tea or chocolates placed by the iron This is after you have ironed without being asked or mentioning it - for the next time Mrs HH goes to get the iron...

peanutbear · 03/04/2008 19:03

lol I think the survey has its merits as I would be much kinder to dh if he would do those jobs

but I think he could accuse me of being like your wife apart from the fact he never makes me a cup of tea in bed or many of of the other fore mentioned household jobs

coppertop · 03/04/2008 19:04

I think that if Mrs HH spent the day following you around saying things like "Here's the cup of tea I made for you dear. Look! I've even put milk and sugar in it for you. I'll just put it on the table for you, darling", You'd be escaping on to MN too.

Oh wait. You're here already.

3andnomore · 03/04/2008 19:05

giggling at hecates guttering that needs cleaning....lol!

Hm, must admit, I think you are under appreciated MR HH....

lilQuidditchKel · 03/04/2008 19:06

blimey can you come over here too?

Sounds to me like you are the female equivalent of a typical mum... Underappreciated, no concept of self worth, wanting approval and not getting it, and (but this is where we diverge) lacking in the sex dept. Never ceases to amaze me how men, no matter how hard they work, still have enough energy to desire sex. hmm. anyway,

Practically speaking, cut the crap. I agree you should do the work, but ask for some gratitude directly: "honey, it seems like you don't appreciate what I do, and it would be nice to hear it once in a while instead of criticism." Then maybe mention that you'd love to know what would improve your love life - rather than making it a cold transaction 'I do this, so you pay me back like that.' BOR-ING.

good luck.

onebatmother · 03/04/2008 19:09

definitely agree re: running commentary. BUT..

Do you genuinely believe you are doing your fair share, considering your respective availability to do shitework?

If the answer is yes, unequivocably, then I do sympathise with your crossness - not about sex particularly, but at her general rudeness. I suggest you have A Talk.

onebatmother · 03/04/2008 19:11

unequivocally
damn damn damnit I had to say that out loud to realize it was wrong.

But my point is, criticism can easily become a default setting, esp when other aspects of life are not going well, particularly. If you feel that you're doing your fair share, then the digs seem unkind and you should (kindly) point this out, I think.

SqueeeeBaroo · 03/04/2008 19:11

Oh yes, please don't do puppy-dog-eyes about the fact that you've done your fair share about the place.

Don't get me wrong, it is a good thing. I am hugely blessed with a Dh who does his fair share, too.

But he turns me on when he kisses the back of my neck and pretends to be a slightly less drunken version of Gene Hunt, not when he points out all the chores he's done that day...

hecate · 03/04/2008 19:12

He's vanished. Anyone else think his wife read this and has
a) grabbed him for some luvvin
b) grabbed herself a nice pair of hairy earings?

onebatmother · 03/04/2008 19:12

is that yooo sooo?

onebatmother · 03/04/2008 19:13

lol hairy earrings hecate

coppertop · 03/04/2008 19:14

I wondered if he'd nipped round yours to sort your guttering out, Hecate?

SqueeeeBaroo · 03/04/2008 19:15

OBM, aye, 'tis I...

vixnpips · 03/04/2008 19:16

LOL..well asking if there is anything you could do to help her might be better, as you have less chance of getting it wrong.
Doing this in order to get more jiggy..Tee hee.. you might be better just telling her she is so attractive that you may jolly well explode! you could nuzzle her neck and say god you smell great. But then leave her alone, no nagging I go weak at the knees when DH put on his sexy voice and whispers nice things LOL
Coffee in bed is great, being told how sexy you are is great.. but re doing stuff make you feel bad, as we do clock that you tried.. but it was just not the way we would do it.

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