Potential for being a carer. In future.

[Familydilemmapoll]

I am a single parent of 3 youngish high school kids and they come first. I have a reasonable working relationship with their dad as co-parents and all live locally.
My mum also lives nearby and has cancer. She is by herself and I am happy to support her with hospital appointments, and sorting out medical/ care needs when the time comes. She has nobody else. She is not terminal (yet) but aged almost 80.
My mum is one of 3 siblings. Her younger sister is overseas (middle east) and unhappy in her marriage. Her husband is older and it is proposed my aunt comes back to UK at some point. Maybe not until her husband passes. Maybe before if she divorces.
I feel like my life is a bit on hold at the moment because I am the main parent (ex H is eow and one night per week) I am happy to put the kids first for now and to support my mum.
However when the kids leave home for uni or they are old enough to stay home alone, and if my mum is no longer here, I want to travel the world when I am semi retired and maybe date again.
I have no wish to be a carer for my aunt who has no kids of her own.
Would I BU to say I'm not happy with her moving near us (my mum and my kids) on a return to UK. There are other family members (more of them) in a different part of the UK.

I don’t think you can tell her not to move near you, she can move to wherever she likes. What YWNBU to do would be to make it clear that you are not going to be in position to offer any care or support. However, if she hasn’t divorced and moved by now, she may not actually do it. If she’s waiting for him to die there’s no guarantee he will go first.

You don't get a say in where your aunt lives. You can make it clear politely that when your kids have finished school that you plan to travel and make the most of your time

You can’t tell her she’s not allowed to move there but you are under no obligation to care for her.

Ok I see your point I can't stop her moving here.

I just do not want to be roped into being a carer for another more distant relative. At a time when I should be enjoying my retirement having brought up my kids, and supported my own mum through her eventual inevitable decline in next 5-10 years.

You can't stop her moving wherever she wants.

You can talk frequently and enthusiastically about how much you are going to travel the world when your kids are at uni and hope she gets the hint.

Just be quite clear that you won't be providing care for her.

You obviously can't tell her where to live though.

I guess it's the non direct caring aspects and life admin that I don't want to have any part of. It's less easy to be clear about not wanting to do all that than it is to decline doing actual hands on care. That's why I am fearful of her being near me when I am approaching retirement.

The sorts of things I do for my mum now (because she is just down the road)
Transport to hospital, sorting out utilities, booking window cleaners and paper deliveries. Fixing WhatsApp. Listening to moans. All that sort of thing.

She can move wherever she wants - assume you haven't been asked to care for her. Don't offer, and if you're asked just say no, firmly, from the very first time.

Practice saying no.

If you can't say no, practice saying "I'm very busy so I can't do it sorry".

If she does move near you then you can always block her number and claim to have phone problems.

Have you been "volunteered" to provide care by your mum? Has your aunt provided you with support through your life in expectation of care in kind?

Otherwise, unless there is a cultural expectation, why she would think you would provide care? - unless she has a massive brass neck!

Just start planting seeds like- I'm looking forward to visiting / travelling xxx when I retire.

What makes you think she will expect you to?

I would have a conversation with your mum saying you don’t want to do caring for your aunt so she is well aware.

I'm just n the YNBU to say no to caring for your aunt . She will need to make financial provision for care .

No request has been made yet, but there are the initial rumblings about her moving back to UK at some point.
I've visited abroad twice as an adult in the last 30 years and stayed there. I've never been given a financial gift or other assistance that would make me indebted.
My mum in contrast has provided me with a lot of support with the kids and help with house deposit. We are reasonably close.

My aunt does have form for being slightly forward with her expectations of others. She is independently quite wealthy. I could forsee a situation where it could be framed to me in those terms by my mum.
For example:
"Aunty abroad has lots of ££ inheritance that she could leave you as she has nobody else"
"But your kids will be grown up and you'll have time to help auntie.Whereas your cousins (in other part of UK) still have pre schoolers"

If you are off travelling the world, you will be unavailable

End of conversations

You may eventually have to have an awkward conversation.

This is difficult for most English people.

I had to have one with my mum.

I'm severely disabled following an accident and I use a wheelchair. Despite this it became clear she was expecting me to provide end of life care as she didn't want to ever go into a care home,

She is not currently dying or indeed ill.

I had to point out to her that I can't walk, have a blue badge and absolutely cannot lift her (or indeed anything much) and if she fell and couldn't get up I'd be fuck all use.

She was genuinely really upset despite me being obviously physically incapable.

She has now "come to accept" as she says that if she cannot manage I won't be able to care for her and she will need to move into a home.

YABU to think you can dictate what someone else does - as in aunt moving close by

However YANBU to do whatever the fk you want when mum passes and the kids are grown, go travelling, live your life. That's in your gift to do; don't be swayed with the manipulative tactics of a promised inheritance, just do you and go. Aunt will have to make her own arrangements with her family.

You obviously cant dictate where she lives.

You CAN however say no and pre empt that by stating very clearly that your plan is to go travelling. So far, noone has asked so I would make it abundantly clear to all and sundry that travelling is in your future plans and its non negotiable.

If she does choose to move near you it doesnt matter, that doesnt mean you have to take on the role of her carer. Even if you dont travel you can still say no. Noone can force you into doing this and YANBU to say no.

@Octavia64 I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles. Mine isn't really comparable but I suffer from ME/CFS and my DPs don't seem to understand this at all. I used to be very active and do quite a lot for them, although they are currently pretty healthy, despite being in their 80s. DF has no health issues whatsoever, and DM manages to play bridge 3 times a week.

DM in particular makes comments like, 'oh, I could really do with our bedroom wallpapering. Perhaps you could do it over the summer?' and is put out when I point out that on many days I cannot get out of bed, due to fatigue. Even on a good day, if I shower then I will be too exhausted to get dressed. Every single thing is a trade off. I have to pace myself very carefully to manage a very small life.

I am also almost 60. DM seems to think that I could somehow manage two or three long days wallpapering and painting and that I am just being disobliging. They have a private income and could perfectly well afford to get professional decorators in.