AIBU about friend and lack of contact

[GodDamnItJanet]

A few months ago, I separated from my husband after 24 years together. To be honest it was a long time coming as I had been unhappy for years and he is not a good person.

My circle is small but I let my two good friends know, who I have been close to since being a teenager. I always used to joke that if I had to move a body with no questions asked, these are the two I would call.

Over the years, we all discussed the challenges in our marriages but I kept some things back from them regarding my husband and his emotional abuse. I suppose out of embarrassment, I'm supposed to be the tough one who takes no shit from anybody but here I was, taking it from him and being made to feel worthless.

I became more honest about what was happening over the past 3 years or so, being more vulnerable with them and admitting that I was struggling to find the strength to end it because of the kids.

Fast forward to now, when I let my friends know, Friend 1 was pretty much it's about damn time and has dropped me a text once in a while checking in. Promising a night out once I'm ready etc.

Friend 2 has been radio silent other than 1 call initially which in hindsight might have just been to get the gossip. I recently reached out to her regarding something else and no response. I get we are all busy with jobs, kids etc but I know she practically lives with her phone in her hand so this feels a bit sore.

Maybe she thinks I'll be a downer and doesn't have the energy or maybe she thinks divorce is catching? Either way, AIBU for feeling like my friend is a bit crap?

It can be a bit "divorce is catching" if they are each in a relationship. It can make you reflect on your own and it changes the dynamic.

I imagine they are busy or perhaps don't place as much importance on these friendships as you do. Or perhaps they think you only value them as friends now you are single. And when you have been friends a long time with someone things definitely wax and wane.

You can't change how they react to you, so I'd just keep inviting them to things and leave it if they don't seem bothered.

I'm happy enough with the contact with Friend 1 to be honest, and if Friend 2 had maybe followed up with a solitary text message in the past 2 months then I wouldn't be here asking this question.

We have never been a live in your pockets type friendship trio, we always used to maintain that good friendships are the ones that you might not speak everyday or every month but when you do, youcan pick right up where you left off.

We are all busy, I totally get that, this feels different.

Really sorry to hear you went through this. Unfortunately, lots of us keep secrets from those closest to us and we all, at times, are dealing with very hard things we don’t talk about. Based on what you are saying about your history of friendship, this sounds out of character for your friend, so I would wonder if she is dealing with something she too doesn’t feel able to share. Or could she be overwhelmed with other things in her life? I too live with my phone in my hand but I often have it on “do not disturb” and then either forget to reply to messages or I wait until I have the time to give a thoughtful response.

It’s not a good feeling when we feel unsupported and uncared about by those closest to us especially when we are going through hard times. I would maybe give her a chance to explain herself and not assume it’s because she doesn’t care. If, on balance, she has been a good friend over the years, I would put her current behaviour into perspective. Some people can’t be there for us in the way we want them to even if they want to be. At different times in life, we have different capacity. I would maybe give it a bit of time and don’t take it personally.

In the mean time, lean on those who are there for you & take this time to enjoy your freedom & rediscover your relationship with yourself. It sounds like you have been trapped in unhappiness for too long and you deserve to move forward with inner peace and to enjoy life and your true self again - whether that involves friend 2 or not.

Thanks @Kassie2222

I think I have to make peace that being single really means I'm on my own, and that any friendship support is a bonus rather than being disappointed if it doesn't appear.

If I were being generous, I'd say maybe there is something going on in your friend's life that you don't know about. I can see how you feel let down though. If she's feeling fragile herself mentally she might not have the emotional headspace to offer you support right now which could be why she's distanced herself.

I was married for 27 years. In hindsight he was a narcissistic sociopath. I had suspicions about “other women” over the years but was gaslighted to the point of believing I was neurotic. It became accepted amongst everyone around us that I was over emotional and a bit unstable and he was the relaxed, great guy, life and soul of the party. I lived on my nerves.
When I caught him on the phone with another woman he was having an affair with he couldn’t deny it this time. He had to admit it and left. I thought that at last our friends and family would see him for what he was. However he slowly and methodically went around to everyone we knew telling them it was all lies. There was no other woman. He just didn’t want to be with me anymore. Everyone believed him because D* wouldn’t do something like that. It was the most painful time of my life. Most friends distanced themselves from me, because, you know, I was deluded and couldn’t accept it. His family told me bluntly that it just wasn’t true, I was making it up.
18 months later people found out he had been in a relationship all along and they had a child together. No one, not even our children knew this child existed. By the time it all came almost all my friends had fallen by the wayside. I suspect they were now too embarrassed at not believing me for this ever to be fixed. It’s too late for me anyway. I won’t ever be able to forgive not being believed.
I lost so much more than a husband that night.
It’s not all bad. I have a completely new life, new home, new area, new job, new partner. I have struggled to make new friends-it’s hard to trust and let people in when you have been so let down by people you loved.
I guess what I’m saying is some people find it hard to be around someone when relationships break down. Either because they don’t want it to rub off on them (divorce is catching) or they were only there for the good times. Sometimes it’s because friendships work when you’re all couples but not when you’re suddenly a single woman. The ones that stick by you are worth keeping.
To finish off my story, in case anyone is interested, exDH split from the other woman. He tells everyone that she was a “psycho”. I think he probably drove he to it as he did with me. People still think he’s a great guy, if a bit of a dick, but it’s easier for them to make excuses for him than to accept they were all duped. It’s not my problem anymore.

Have you asked her if everything is ok? Maybe she’s not ok and you’ve been too busy to realise.

I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time @GodDamnItJanet. And I completely understood how you’d want support through this difficult period of your life.

From what you’ve said, it’s impossible to know why friend 1 hasn’t been as supportive as you need them to be. Maybe she has stuff going on in her own life or maybe she doesn’t quite realise how much you would value her support. But, given what you’ve said about your friendships, I’d hazard a guess that it’s not because she doesn’t care.

But something you said in your original post made me think: “I’m supposed to be the tough one”. I may not be right, but I wonder if you’re used to being the tough one, if you might also find it especially uncomfortable being “the vulnerable one” now. You may not be so practiced at asking for support. And your friends may not be used to you needing support. Perhaps this a dynamic between you all?

(I say this as I’m very much that way and am utterly rubbish at asking for help. As a result I often feel let down because my friends can’t read my mind! 😂)

If that resonates for you, maybe you could try being direct with your friend. And say something like: I’m not used to asking for help, it can make me feel a bit uncomfortable as I’m more familiar with being the strong one. But I would really appreciate some support right now.

That might also give you the opportunity to check in with how she’s doing and to assess whether she has the capacity to support you atm.

Also, having been single for some years following a divorce, I can promise you that life as a single person doesn’t have to be a lonely one all the time. There are of course, times when many of us feel alone (I frequently felt “alone” in a bad relationship!) but there are also times of connection and joy to be had.
And the fact that you’ve had some lovely friendships over the years bodes well for you in the future.

I hope things go ok for you OP. 💜