Should I leave my husband for his tone?

[CantBelieveNaive]

Long term married and mostly happy, but the past 3 years I've noticed that my husband uses a certain tone when speaking to me which really winds me up!

It sounds like a mix of being condescending and irritated to me.

He doesn't use this tone with anyone else and always speaks nicely to his sons, his mum, his dad and even his very annoying brother!

I've mentioned it a few times and it stops for a while but then returns as usual. Argh!

It really presses my buttons and makes me feel very sad, very angry and when he speaks like this I actually hate him!

Other parts of the marriage are good, nice family life, good earner, shares cooking etc. I really can't face another 20+ years of this as it feels that he doesn't value or respect me and that is what cuts me to the quick!! Am I over thinking?

AIBU for thinking of leaving him over this? Is it enough on its own?

How do you respond? Mine did this fir a while. Every time I would say please don't speak to me in that tone.

I’d sit him down and tell him you’ve had enough and want to split as you won’t tolerate being spoken to like this. If he changes then maybe stay, but it reminds me of my parents

He knows he's doing it doesn't he? He could stop when he wanted to. Living with someone who doesn't respect you is incredibly tough and if financially I could afford to get out then I would. What's the situation with children and the house?

@CantBelieveNaive
How does his dad speak to his mum when in front of people but also when they are alone but over heard? Is it the same tone?
How does his dad speak to people generally?

Has he always used it? I found in menopause slight irritants became huge irritants and actually there was a period of time when I would rage about small things. I am not trying to diminish what he is doing I’m just wondering if this is contributing.

Sounds awful. I don’t blame you for not wanting to live with it. It’s not something he can just change long term if it stems from his inner feelings: ie you irritate him, he sees you as lesser to him, he needs to reprimand you/perceive himself as superior etc. All these thoughts will be unconscious, probably, but the tone must be motivated by something. It’s not ok.

As other Mumsnetters will tell you, you can leave a relationship for any reason.

In the past I have had to tell a certain partner “please don’t speak to me like that” and in the end he did take heed and stop it. Strike whilst the iron is hot!

No one can answer that but you. You need to balance this problem against all the benefits of the relationship, consider what your life would look like in all aspects, financial, housing, social, emotional if you left him, and compare it to your life now, and choose the better option.
You should also tell him that it's so much of an issue you're thinking of leaving him to see if it motivates him to stop. If it's something that's crept in by habit, then he might. However if it's indicative that he really has lost respect for you and finds you an irritant then he may himself welcome separation.

nice family life, good earner, shares cooking etc.

I think I’d struggle to love or respect a spouse who could only describe me this way / only thought of me in these terms. You’re describing him as most people would describe a sibling. The way he treats you is pretty obviously symptomatic of other problems in your marriage, which yes - you need to either address or break up.

Yeah, sounds like contempt has set in. I had something similar with ex-husband. He started speaking to me like this and seemed to be looking down his nose at me - did a real number on my self-esteem. Turns out he was viewing me with contempt as a way to reframe his cheating with various mistresses, to give him a reason to feel less badly about his actions. It’s a common strategy that cheaters use. What an absolute wank stain of a human.

I’m not suggesting your DH is shagging around, just pointing out that contempt is a complete death knell for a relationship. If he speaks down to you it’s because he’s decided he’s better than you, cleverer than you, superior to you. It’s not acceptable to speak to a total stranger in that manner, let alone the person he’s supposed to love and be a team with.

It upsets you because it is upsetting. It makes you feel he doesn’t value you because that’s exactly how he is acting. You can’t face another 20 years of this because it would drive you insane, damage your self esteem, wear you down and make you hate him.

Basically, life is far too short for that kind of nonsense. After inviting ex to leave, I found myself and DC much happier and more relaxed, without his negative energy and attitude. And life is much, much better four years later.

I think this is really serious. The tone of voice he uses against you is horrible, and thats something you have to experience every single day, day in day out,year in year out. The lack of love and respect must get inside your head and make you feel absolutely worthless and unloved. I think its an absolutely vile and insidious way to control and belittle someone. I would tell him to cut it out for good or youre out. This will absolutely take a terrible slow and ngative toll on your mental health and long term happiness.

I think that's pretty good advice. Maybe have a serious talk about it, because it will wear you down. If he dismisses you or refuses, I would not hold out much hope.

Are you seriously suggesting leaving your husband for something like this? Did you not mean the vows you made when you got married? Both partners have to work at a marriage, and work through problems, not bail out after something as insignificant as this.

🤣🤣🤣

Honestly it sounds like he’s irritated by you. But yes YANBU to want it to stop. How is other stuff in your relationship? What’s the “power balance” like? Are you a SAHM or SAHW? I think the only thing to remedy this longer term is to increase his respect for you naturally, by you living your own life well- friends, trips away, hobbies, earning your own money, doing minimal wife work for him (if at all)- if this isn’t already happening.

Also when does it occur- if in a particular situation then just don’t do it together. My partner and I are almost guaranteed to have a row if we try and put furniture up for example so we just do it separately! If he’s getting annoyed about stuff like washing, cleaning etc then calmly suggest he does it himself.

I nearly left my husband over his criticism of me. He just constantly told me how to do things better, differently and so on, and it got me down more than any other thing. He perceived it as 'helpful' as in - here's the way to stack the dishwasher, why don't you do this and that. I perceived it as extremely unhelpful as I'd existed til the age of 32 doing just fine, and didn't need to be told like a child how to live my life better or do things more effectively. I just pushed back every time after a while and it did improve. Worse when I was stressed myself.

It sounds ridiculous, but it eats away at you if someone is speaking to you in an unpleasant or patronising tone all the time, it's a daily negative in your life, so I get this completely.

Someone said when contempt enters the relationship that's a death knell, read the work of John Gottman on this and work out how you can change the dynamic here (not just telling him to stop, I'd walk away or not reply if his tone is off like you would with a small child). If not, then you don't have to live with this for another twenty years.

Thank you for your constructive points. 👉 I do the walk off but if I pull him up about it each time I would be saying it all day. He gets my vibe and comes back feeling sorry and asking if he's done something wrong. But he keeps doing it. It is menopause-heightened for sensitivity but its really putting me off him.
Then he comes from the shops, cooks dinner and buys my fave cake (he doesn't know I'm on a diet!) 🤦‍♀️🙄🤣

I think given the rest of the relationship sounds good then I think I would want to sit down and talk to him about it. You are both aware that it makes you unhappy so how about if he does speak in that tone you agree that you have a word that will stop him talking immediately. Like a safe word that makes him aware he is doing it.

Yes John Gottman says that if left unchecked contempt along with a few other behaviours has a 90% guarantee of relationship failure (known as the Four Horsemen) but you can potentially turn this around as he does stop for a short while. You need to cut it dead, the second you hear it, use a word and get him to stop and think about his tone.

Personally I think with a marriage and a long one there will be times when it is more difficult but I wouldn't chuck this one away until you have got to the bottom of why he talks to you this way.

"if I pull him up about it each time I would be saying it all day"
...then this is what you need to do. Every time. "Why are you speaking to me like that?" Draw attention to how often it is happening. You're thinking of leaving him over it anyway, so make sure he knows how big a problem it really is.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him and make him understand your strength of feeling about it. If he actually understands that it's making you want to end your marriage and he still continues to do it, maybe it's time to leave.

Just realised I missed this. His Dad is your basic misogynist who thinks he knows best but he would never get away with talking to his Mum like that in a million years which is i think part of the problem. He gets frustrated with his own family relationship, gets annoyed and takes it out on me! It's a pattern and he's in denial that it upsets him. Argh 😬

@CantBelieveNaive
It's almost as if he maintains a rigid control over himself talking to all others but he lets himself relax with you but he becomes careless and unthinking towards you. Is he a people pleaser for everyone else in his life? Does he appear to need to sound/be even tempered with other people like putting up a façade? I wonder whether he developed this as a child to protect himself from his father's scorn or derision?
Regardless of why he does it, it is not acceptable in any way to speak to you in any way other than respectful. This type of behaviour can only be unpicked by a psychotherapist really. Is he willing to do this for you? He also needs to want to do it for himself because if he is maintaining rigid control over himself day to day then it must be exhausting for him emotionally and mentally.
You have to think about what your limit is and at what point this is a relationship breaker. If he refuses to accept there's a problem or get help for it, what are you going to do? If you can not face this behaviour for the next few decades then it does come down to an ultimatum - therapy or the highway.