To think DP was gaslighting me?

[OolongSong]

We had no plans yesterday and the garden was looking untidy. DP never really acknowledges that the garden needs doing - or shows much interest. Mowing, weeding is my domain.

He does tend to ‘comment’ though. E.g. came out to say - why don’t I weed straight into the bag? I was annoyed by this and pointed out that I have done gardening before.

I asked him if he could mow the lawn - to which he replied ‘he’d do it in the afternoon’. I couldn’t see why he’d need to leave it (he had no plans) and I thought he’d forget to do it - so I did it anyway.

In the afternoon I bought some plants. The side gate was bolted. I called out for it to be opened and heard a ‘yeah’. I must have called about 10 times over 5 mins. Our garden is not big. I was carrying plants etc. When he did open the gate, I was inwardly seething but kept calm. He said he was lying on the kids swing chair and couldn’t get up quickly.

Thing is - if it had been a delivery he’d have been there like a shot!
I felt like I was being gaslighted. He knew I was in need, but deliberately left me waiting as long as possible. He could have said ‘hold on I’m stuck’ but it was a ‘yeah’ each time. AIBU?

I would have been slightly peed off about the comment if as you said it's your domain usually, but I wouldn't say this is gaslighting unless he is making you question your reality?

Yes agreed this isn't gaslighting, I think he's just lazy and can't be bothered to pull his weight !

He clearly wasn’t as into getting the garden done as you and wanted to have a lazy Sunday. That’s not gaslighting.

No, not gaslighting, had either dozed off or just being a pigs arse.

Gaslighting is when you start to question yourself and your sanity.

I would be tempted to make yourself dinner this evening and let him sort his own ... sounds like he's happy for you to take on all the workload while he lays in the swing chair so match effort with effort

Telling you a lie isn't necessarily the same as gaslighting. Just say he lied to you and kept you waiting - because that's what happened.

He made you wait for 5 minutes whilst he just laid there?! What a prick.

I’m guessing this is just one example of his unreasonable behaviour?

I don’t think this is gaslighting as such but it’s definitely wanker behaviour, especially if part of a pattern.

What else does he do?

It was the ‘yeah’ each time, that made me think he’d heard and was coming. I was stood there so long, and couldn’t understand why I had to keep repeating.

He did this again recently when I rang the doorbell. He claimed he was on a work call, but his office room is right next door to the front door. And again I think he would have answered quickly had it been a delivery.

I can think of another occasion where he knew I thought I’d forgotten to lock the door after a trip away. I was berating myself - and then eventually he said that he’d actually unlocked it already. He waited quite some time before telling me.

He works @drusth - and we have financial stability.

His hours are very long so I rarely see him during the week (which I don’t mind!)
I work part time and do all housework/childcare/organising/mental load.

Weekends - there always tends to be something that winds me up, and I look forward to my peace again during the week.

It's almost like he's doing it on purpose. What a jerk.

Yes it felt ‘on purpose’ which made me wonder if it was gaslighting. A deliberate attempt to confuse me.

Nope. Although it does seem as if neither of you likes the other very much or knows how to communicate properly.

None of that is gaslighting

Surely it would only be gaslighting if he denied that you’d ever knocked or that he’d acknowledged it by saying “yeah”?

Not great behaviour but not gaslighting.

That's sad.
Sounds like you're not that happy and this garden thing is a bit of a red herring.

Gaslighting: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.

While you’ve every right to feel annoyed by your husband, he’s not gaslighting you.

Gaslighting would be if he, for example, said you didn’t call for him to open the gate and he didn’t respond “yeah”. He would then not back down from this, asserting that you were wrong and he was right, so much so that you’d doubt you had ever called for him to open the gate. Gaslighting makes you question your own recollection of events, makes you feel that you must be wrong for them to be so adamant they are right and makes you question your own perceptions of reality. Your husband has annoyed you by taking his time to open the gate but he’s no gaslit you.

Call him out on it every time.
Tell him you know he's doing this on purpose and he's pathetic for doing this. If he tries to deny it, say "you and I both know the truth so don't bother"

^I think this one's heading into gaslighting territory.

He sounds awful. These incidents aside, what's your relationship like (I'd be surprised if you said 'good')?

I agree, sounds like he does gaslight you.

He sounds a bit lame but I wouldn't say gaslighting. Hopefully he is nice in areas other than the gardening!

This.

I think this was just lying rather than gaslighting. But totally a dick move to leave you standing there.

The earlier one about not telling you he’d locked it is a hit more gaslighty. Gaslighting is more trying to make you think you’re going mad by undermining your perception of reality.