It feels like new work friend has ghosted me, AIBU?

[Pinksparkles84]

So I work for a law firm and about September last year a new trainee started and we used to spend a lot of time chatting and getting on well. We’d go out for coffees and she also has a child the same age as my DS. She moved departments and offices. To begin with we’d text a bit and when I bumped into her, she said she’d love to arrange a play date as she said she hasn’t got many mummy friends with similar age children. I told DS as I was feeling excited to have made a new friend. It was her birthday so I arranged to send a card and pressie to her.

anywyas since shes moved she’s become very distant and I’ve text her a few times with not getting a response from her. I looked on Facebook and she recently liked a post another friend put up. She didn’t wish me a happy birthday on my 40th and it’s upset me that I feel like she’s ghosted me. AIBU for feeling upset.

We're all adults and yet this hurts like when we were back in school sometimes. You would hope that if you had done something to offend would it be so hard for her to let you know? Move on @Pinksparkles84 she obviously has.

Happiest of Happy Birthdays to you, I hope you had a wonderful birthday 🌸🎂🌸

Some work friends are just situationships; you’re close while you’re sitting next to each other for 10 hours every day, but they peter out when you aren’t.

Happy Birthday

Is this kiddies corner?
Mummy friends?
She liked another person's fb post?
Good grief

Can understand you being upset but if you can just don’t take it too personally. She could be having a busy patch / personal stuff - just not able to engage at the moment. Or she could have drifted. If she is too busy for now, I’d just leave it open but not unfriendly. If she reaches out again you can decide whether you’re up for it. I’d take the fact you sent a pressie etc and she didn’t wish you happy birthday as a signal to rein your effort in. It’s still quite early days in your friendship (September) - in general I find it helpful to keep my expectations low early on.

This.

A trainee? She's being polite for a job. And now she's involved in her new department.
Work colleague not a friend.

It's a work colleague not a friend - so many people get this confused.

She doesn't even work in the same office now 🤦🏻‍♀️

Now you're 40 it's time to get a bit of common sense and perspective.

That’s not fair. The woman literally said she wanted to get their kids together.

People are flaky, that’s all it is.

I get that it hurts and feels sad to have made a friendship which has petered out but sadly these things do.

I had a good friend like that... we still talk on Facebook or when we bump into each other but it's just general chit chat.

Grieve for the lost friendship, don't part on bad terms with her but do focus on those that want to spend time with you etc

I told DS as I was feeling excited to have made a new friend. It was her birthday so I arranged to send a card and pressie to her

I think perhaps this might have seemed a bit intense to her. I would be quite surprised and mildly freaked out if someone I went for coffees with at work sent me a card and a birthday present.

You seem lovely but I think the present was maybe a bit much ? As others said she's a work colleague, you haven't met outside work except for a work coffee. Maybe don't invest so much and be a bit more relaxed? Sympathies as it is hard to make new friends I get that. Just spread your net wider and don't expect much from anyone.

I sympathise OP, I've been there. Have never sent a present though, except to my now manager when they had a baby (I'm their only direct report) otherwise its a team wip around. So that was a bit much and may have scared her off. Not replying to your messages though is rude, even if its just a brief reply. It hurts and I speak from experience when I say STOP. Don't put effort in for someone who won't do the same for you.

So i’m assuming she’s a trainee solicitor but you’re not? Trainees typically move ‘seats’ every 6 months for 2 years before they qualify into one of those teams (or another one entirely). I’m speaking from experience here, being a trainer solicitor is tough! You’re constantly told to network, be a team player, impress your team, the partners etc. When we join a new team we start from scratch every time. We need lots of help and are usually genuinely grateful for the support and friendly colleagues. But then we move seats and have to do it all over again, which takes up all of our time and energy. Don’t take it personally. Sometimes things don’t develop past the work mates stage.

Agree with others who say card and present is too much! I only give bday presents to my closest friends and others if there’s a party. That would’ve freaked me out completely.
It’s not nice to be blown out but maybe try and make friends out of work? I do have some long-standing work friends but they do also peter out once you’re not there anymore. How long was she in your department?

Thanks for your answers. She was in my department for about 6 months. She used to come in and see me for chats all the time and said she wanted to put a date in our diary so that our sons could have a play date and said to text her when she left the department. She also asked when I was moving house so she could help out. I guess maybe people can say things without really meaning it. It’s just confusing when someone makes the suggestions and doesn’t follow through.

I take all work relationships with a pinch of salt. I was very close to a colleague during a year and a half in my workplace. Then I moved position to somewhere in the same place now and she is still in my old team. We have always stayed close by messages and when we meet it is brilliant and we hug. But she doesn’t owe me anything and nor I her. We know where we are if needed but moving teams means things change and people aren’t so close. I’ve moved teams/jobs enough times to know this.
You sound really nice to go to the effort you did, though.

It is a bit OTT on her part, you can be friendly without making offers like that.
Just try to move on OP and let it go. Maybe when things calm down in her new role she'll reach out again, maybe she won't, but don't chase.

Shes not acting in line with the words she said to you, that's on her, not you. You were only ever being nice. You're clearly kind and there are plenty of people out there who would actually appreciate this instead of making you feel the way that you currently are.

I had a work colleague and we worked on an account together. Really liked her. Obviously we spoke a lot as we worked together daily and had to travel to customer site together.

she then got insanely intense and I hated it. Sent me presents and always wanted to meet for a monthly dinner. I felt it got weird at work as I was being friendly but then felt maybe I was too friendly because she kept inviting me everywhere and got a bit funny when I had reasons I wasn’t able to go (legitimate like meetings at sons school etc).

was glad when we didn’t work together anymore. Genuinely started getting anxious when I saw messages.

I’ve had a couple of fairly new friends like this recently, always wanting to put a date in, have coffee etc and it never seems to go anywhere. I just hold back and keep my distance a bit, if it’s meant to be a friendship then it will get there but unfortunately lots of people are just flaky. It’s hurtful but try not to take it too personally

I think you was ' used' because she wanted to learn the ropes in the company and you happily obliged.
She sensed that you liked her and went along with it until she felt confident enough in her company knowledge ,( to cut you some slack)
Its great to meet new people in the work place but they dont always become friends and thats a plain fact of Life.