Married colleague interactions

[Hjty77]

Let me preface it - no cheating, no affairs, nor will it be.
I have been working with a colleague in the same company for a long time. We work on projects together, so we do not work constantl together. Equally, in a hybrid environment, we are not always together in the office, which helps.
So, at times, there could be weeks we might not be in touch, and then other times, we are in touch daily. It's been all fine for a while, but he’s been confiding in me over the years and has started to call when we are wfh. Nothing sinister. The issue is that in the office, he will come over to my desk (far away from his) and chat for some time, and then he will come again and walk with me to the tube home. The next day, he won’t say hi when he sees me. The other day, he came over and said I noticed you looked down, so I came over to make you smile It’s all very flattering but confusing. I would hate to think my DH would say something like this to a work colleague!
I am just pissed off at myself as, over the years, I have started to enjoy this attention. Sometimes, I shut him down quickly and avoid him around the office, but we have to work together sometimes. I can’t work it. He’s just friendly (as some days he’s so cold), or he’s playing me. The situation is irritating me big time. I should look for a new job. Or do you think I should completely blank him? The issue is that over the years, he’s been a good person at work who has your back, and there aren’t many of us who are “normal” at our place of work.

Sounds like you’re up for an emotional affair.

I think if you feel strongly that you should look for another job then you’re worried that it’s crossing the line.

You need to be more firm with yourself and remind yourself of what’s important. It’s nice to be noticed by someone and to get their attention. It’s flattering and definitely can give you a pick me up but you’ve also pointed out that his behaviour can be a bit unpredictable to which this is annoying you.
you wouldn’t like your husband acting like this colleague which also suggests it’s going a bit too far.

If you start blanking him then I think he will come over and chat more which might be able to persuade you to just carry on as things are. Instead I would be polite and work appropriate. I would only answer calls when it relates to work and would try separate work life from friendly personal chat. If he becomes personal then just give a basic response or don’t reply.

Next time he comes over to your desk for a chat, or calls you when WFH to chat (as opposed to speak about the work), just be professional and keep all talk in work mode and tell him you must get on as you need to finish x or y task or to do something else work-wise.

Take it from me finding out that your husband is flirting (and I mean more than office banter) with a colleague is painful. It ruins you and your relationship You say you don't want an affair but you do seem upset when he shuts down the attention. No good will come from it.

Personally I have no interest in entertaining anybody's attention other than my DH so I would just ask him if he actually needs help with something work related. Then say okey well I better get on with work if he doesn't.

He's a player. Be warned.

You haven't said whether you find him attractive, you said you enjoy the attention. We all enjoy attention, it validates that we're still attractive I suppose (although I'm nearly 40 and married many years so maybe that's just me). Just because I enjoy some attention doesn't mean I'm up for an emotional affair, but I suppose of there was a lot of chemistry then I'd be very cautious.

Just keep it professional if he's a decent colleague to work with. It doesn't have to be some kind of 'player' situation where he's playing with you -- he may just be a rather hot and cold person. There's a member of one of my friendship groups who is like this. Some days he's warm, friendly, interested, other days, he's preoccupied and monosyllabic. He does it to everyone, and I think he's just not terribly self-aware about it.

Also, does he confide personal info about his marriage? Are you married/in a LTR?

If you're not wanting to have an affair, does any of this even matter? He's just a work colleague who blows warm and cold. Who cares? Just do your job and stop caring about it.

It sounds like your colleague’s behaviour is sending mixed signals. From chatting at your desk to walking with you to the tube, it’s understandable that you’re feeling confused. His inconsistency being friendly one day and cold the next adds to the confusion. At a guess it could be his emotional state ?