To expect my ex to let us stay in the house

[Lmox]

im in the middle of going through a nasty divorce. I can’t afford to buy my ex out of his share of the house so plan was for him to buy me out and keep the house. Because I’m only working part time, even with the equity from the house as a deposit, I can’t get much of a mortgage. I’d need to move into somewhere quite run down and further outside the city. My one year old has complex medical needs and it would mean him having to change doctors and nurseries. His current nursery are aware of his needs and trained on his epilepsy care plan etc.

whenever I tell people about this situation they think I’m crazy and have said that I shouldn’t be leaving the house. That ex should be expected to let me stay even if I can’t buy him out. Are they right? Has anyone else been through a situation similar and what did you do? Would it be possible for me to take over the mortgage payments with a view to selling when our son was older?

I don’t think this would go down well with him and I think he’d flat out refuse to leave. Any advice appreciated. I don’t have any family in England to go stay with and I’m stressed about having to manage all this on top of my son’s medical needs.

How long have you been married? Do you have a solicitor? It's the family home, he can't just kick you out.

Married three years. We’re trying mediation first but I think we’ll eventually need to go down solicitor route

Can't you get a full time job? (I know your DC has complex needs, but his father should share in childcare )

Could you afford the mortgage by yourself working part time?

I think usually it's much longer marriages where the spouse stays in the house. If you cant afford to buy ex out then I'd look at renting.

There is a popular belief that women with small children are entitled to stay in the family home.

This is not the case.

What you are doing sounds sensible.

You can get a mesher order which gives ex equity share when children turn 18.

I would definitely explore your rights as the primary carer of a 1 year old with complex medical needs, with a solicitor.

Are there any charities you could approach, like CAB? Do you have home insurance, does it come with a legal helpline?

My marriage was 12 years of torture but I managed the above.

Would it be possible for me to take over the mortgage payments with a view to selling when our son was older?

I can't see the mortgage company allowing this if the loan is in both your names.

Also, I imagine it'd be very difficult for him to be able to rent somewhere while he's still legally liable for the mortgage, unless he has a particularly large income?

You and your soon to be ex both need to house yourselves. If your ex is paying your mortgage, how will he do that?

Much better to sell the house, split the equity and move on. You can find another nursery in the same way you found this one, and move on with your life independently.

You'll have security, and more control.

A clean break is better for everyone in the long run.

Unfortunately his dad does the bare minimum. He won’t even give me lifts too and from his hospital appointments and he can have many over the course of a month so it’s just not really feasible to work full time. His dad has also forgotten to give his medication when he’s been in his care so I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him

He does

One of my friends managed to stay in the house until the children finished education, following a messy divorce, but she had been married for over 20 years.
I think quite often now the norm is, particularly in a shorter relationship, to sell the property and each organise your own housing. He will obviously have to pay child maintenance if you are going to be the resident parent.

I have a disabled child and solicitor advised me to go for spousal maintenance on this grounds as it secretly impacts my ability to work. I imagine having a disabled child will also change the usual advice on leaving the family home. Get a half hour free appointment with a solicitor so you know where you stand or you will end up giving too much in mediation

we were together ten years, just married for three of them

You need to speak to a solicitor OP. If you're on a PT wage, mainly due to having a DC with complex medical needs, and your soon-to-be ex is a high earner, he will need contribute to housing and supporting you and your DS in an appropriate way. Get legal advice - don't just rely on mediation.

Highly unlikely, particularly as she can't afford the mortgage and it would be for 17 years. They mostly get ordered if kids are at GCSE stage where moving schools would be really detrimental.!

To clarify, I can manage the current mortgage repayments on my own. My issue is that if I were to spend the same amount of money monthly renting or go for a new mortgage I’d have to move somewhere smaller, more run down and further outside the city as housing prices have risen since we bought our home

AFAIK the duration of the relationship will be considered not just the marriage. I think given your DC has complex needs you will be best to contact a solicitor as I believe you may have different rights than the default given the needs of the child.

Your circumstances of having a child with disabilities and support plans in place in current settings mean that generic advice doesn’t apply. You do need a solicitor. Don’t let your husband bully you out of the home.

If he’s a high earner, you may be able to negotiate keeping the house in lieu of claiming a stake in his pension .

Yes, this is what happened in my friend’s case. Children were already teens in later years of school and she was allowed to stay in the house until they finished education.

Because you child has complex needs there is a small chance you would get a mesher order, if the medical needs are relevant to staying in the house. But not guaranteed. They do still happen but are increasingly rare.

However, he will still get a cut of the equity when you sell. Even though pay the mortgage for 17 years. Many women find they wish they hadn’t done the mesher order. They end up giving a huge chuck of equity away and still can’t afford to buy when it’s time to sell. House prices have gone up and their income hasn’t grown enough in the intervening years.

You also need to be able to afford all the upkeep and all bills. New boiler, windows etc will all fall to you. You will be expected to keep it in good condition.

It also could be very expensive from a legal fees point of view. Personally, I would get legal advice and see what chance of getting a mesher order and then use that to try and leverage that to get more equity now.

Does he have pensions, stocks/shares etc? They all need to be taken into account as well.

When you say he has a large wage what sort of ball park.

In the current climate I think you might struggle to get the mortgage in your name

realistically Ex can’t be tied to a mortgage for the next 20years as he will need to house himself as well

He makes 100k annually but only claims a salary of £12000 for tax purposes meaning the child maintenance he would need to pay me is minimal when we do live separately. I’m on a part time teachers salary by contrast. We’re splitting all bills down the middle at the minute but I’m still paying for all our child’s food, clothes, taxis to and from hospital appointments (I don’t drive)