Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU that someone I don't know stayed in my house?

22 replies

Moosebee · 12/05/2024 13:04

I have a really nice cleaner who has been working with me for under a year. When she first started working for me she told me she was in the process of divorcing her abusive husband. He had stalked her, been emotionally abusive to her, and verbally abusive to her pre teen child from a previous relationship. Obviously I was happy for her that she had got out of that situation, and aside from a few casual mentions about how much better off she is without him, she hasn't spoken about him since. I went away last month for a long weekend with family and couldn't take my dogs, so asked if she would house sit. She said yes, and asked if her daughter (who she shares custody of with her previous partner before the abusive ex) could join her for a few days. I said that was fine and made up a bed for her and one for her daughter. I should also mention I paid her well for house-sitting as I think looking after someone's home is quite a big responsibility. When I came home, I found a few small things broken, and the heat left on in the high 20s (even though it was mild outside the whole time). I decided to let it go as they were minor things, and just not have her house sit in future. Then, the other day, a mutual acquaintance let slip that she was staying in my house with her abusive ex! I feel so weird now that someone I don't know was in my house, and could have potentially been going through my things. I feel like it was a breach of trust, it seems like her daughter never actually stayed and the ex might have instead. I don't have proof that he stayed, but the way the acquaintance said it and then retracted it when I queried it makes me strongly suspect it happened. It's made me feel very weird and I don't think I want to continue to even have her as a cleaner. Is this unreasonable of me? I've never had a situation like this before and I don't want to overreact, but it made me feel very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 12/05/2024 13:08

Have you asked her, how does this acqaintance know, if he did stay then she has lied so she needs to leave.

Createausername1970 · 12/05/2024 13:11

I would need to find out who stayed. If it was the ex, then I wouldn't be very happy. My first thoughts would be whether he now had a key! But that's my concern, it may not be yours. But I would be unhappy that someone I didn't know had been given full run of my house in my absence.

If it was the ex, I would be re-evaluating my relationship with her.

Onetiredbeing · 12/05/2024 13:12

I think you shouldn't have asked her to stay, getting too comfortable and she definitely sounds like she took advantage. If you are going to let her go, I would confront her anyway as what do you have to lose.

TraitorsGate · 12/05/2024 13:12

If the abusive ex did stay he might of deliberately broken things and left the heating on so she will get blamed and sacked, ask her first, if she lies ask her why. I would also get the locks changed , dont let her have keys.

Moosebee · 12/05/2024 13:12

TraitorsGate · 12/05/2024 13:08

Have you asked her, how does this acqaintance know, if he did stay then she has lied so she needs to leave.

The acquaintance is friends with her ex and said "oh, I heard from John that he and Jane had a great time staying at yours". When I said "only Jane was staying" they stammered and said "I must have misunderstood what he said." Or words to that effect. I asked if they were back together and they said yes.

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 12/05/2024 13:14

If that's true then she lied and took advantage of you. That would be a goodbye from me and new locks.

Londonrach1 · 12/05/2024 13:15

Find out who stayed but yes if ex stayed too...I wouldn't want her cleaning ..she broken your trust.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/05/2024 13:15

The trust is broken now. I would terminate the contract. And change the locks.

Moosebee · 12/05/2024 13:15

Onetiredbeing · 12/05/2024 13:12

I think you shouldn't have asked her to stay, getting too comfortable and she definitely sounds like she took advantage. If you are going to let her go, I would confront her anyway as what do you have to lose.

I agree, I just don't have any family locally and it was too short notice to ask friends I felt, so I didn't know who else to ask. She has always been very reliable. I'm angry with myself for doing this.

OP posts:
Scottishshortbread11877 · 12/05/2024 13:16

I would just leave it, there's nothing you can do now.

therejustbarely · 12/05/2024 13:16

You obviously just need to speak with her in a frank conversation. Bring up the condition of the house and heating as well as the conversation with the mutual acquaintance. You need to do this quickly, don't leave it out of a feeling of awkwardness. If you trusted her enough to house sit why on earth can't you query this with her?

loropianalover · 12/05/2024 13:16

I wouldn’t be able to continue working with her. I’d dismiss her and tell her it came to your attention that an unauthorised guest stayed at your house without your knowledge.

I understand the complexities of abusive relationships and perhaps there’s a chance she did not want him there, she didn’t want to say no, etc, but those are her problems to carry and the trust has been truly broken here.

Her ex is abusive to her so I doubt he has manners - who knows what he poked around at, what documents he looked at, or cash he took?

And what do you mean by ‘a few small things broken’? What was broken? I go months living in my own home without breaking anything. Is it possible he was angry/in a rage and broke things?

FredsRoses · 12/05/2024 13:17

Oh dear! I would definitely tell her that you have been informed that a man stayed at your home with her while you were away. See what her reaction is, but I would think it highly likely that it is the truth, particularly as they are back together. I would then fire hire, and deduct the cost of the breakages from any pay that she is due. Once you've got rid of her, change your locks, as it's just not worth the risk that he or she has taken a copy of your keys, and not just the one which you gave her to get in and out, but any others. Sorry she appears to have broken your trust like this, it's a horrible feeling.

WaltzingWaters · 12/05/2024 13:19

If ex stayed I’d have to let her go.

Onetiredbeing · 12/05/2024 13:24

I think if you choose not to say anything then she clearly is going to take further advantage of you. She must know that somehow you will find out, and even if she doesn't know for sure then her even doing that has complicated broken trust. She told you it's her daughter but it wasn't , clear lie. Also turning someone's heating up and not turning it down again, that's not ok? I bet she wouldn't do that in her own home.

Solidlump · 12/05/2024 13:24

Well I would have been extremely annoyed about the broken things and the heating on high anyway. Even without adding the extra visitor you hadn't expected staying there.
I think it's fair you speak to her and get her side of the story but I really would not want someone I could not trust having access to my home as a cleaner necessarily does. I would be letting her go.

TraitorsGate · 12/05/2024 13:27

I'd also hot wash the sheets and towels

Moosebee · 12/05/2024 13:32

Thanks everyone. Seems like my gut instinct was not an overreaction.

OP posts:
ZoeyBartlett · 12/05/2024 13:57

Clearly an outlier but it wouldn't bother me at all. My cleaner house sits and I'm happy for her to have whoever she wants here. Even had one of her daughter's 18th birthday.

For me bottom line it's because I trust her to look after my house the way I would (probably better!). If you don't have this level of trust then sack her!

NewName24 · 12/05/2024 19:53

I would also say that it had come to your attention there had been a man here when she was house sitting, and see what her reaction is.
It isn't that it is a man, it is the fact that anyone was allowed into your home when you were away. That is a breach of trust.

You can mention the breakages and heating if she says it didn't happen.

I would ask for the key back and terminate the cleaning job.

Concannon88 · 12/05/2024 20:13

What things were broken? I'd let the heating thing go. She was in your home and working out other people's heating systems can be fiddly.

it does not automatically mean she lied. She may have had a change of plans etc

StarbucksQueen1 · 12/05/2024 20:19

I’d ask her outright and find out. If so then let her go. She’s lied to you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread