To put a consequence in place?

[Treesaregreen1]

Ex-H repeatedly failing to turn up for DC. He only sees them once every 1-2 weeks as it is. It’s not routine due to his unpredictable work patterns which is fine. So when he does make arrangements I obviously expect him to stick to it.

today he has turned his phone off which is a sure sign he wasn’t going to turn up (and hasn’t).

when he does make contact he will be full of apologies, saying he needs to do better etc. I’ve told him numerous times this isn’t okay but he continues to do it and I let it drop because i feel like what else can I do.

I literally don’t know how to put a consequence in place because I don’t ever want to say you can’t see the DC. i hate seeing the DC disappointed and they take their frustration out on me.

any experience or advice on how to deal with this would be most welcome.

Don’t tell the dc he is coming next time until he confirms he is literally on his way.

Yes exactly as above and don't bend over backwards for him either.

They have contact with him on iPad / phone so it’s more often than not that he tells them himself

There is nothing you can do in terms of consequences for ex.

What I do for my kids when their dad cancels is say something like "I'm sorry dad isn't coming I know that doesn't feel good for you" then follow up with a "we can do something together shall we do McDonald's or a film and ice-cream?"

Like you say you can't stop the contact completely it's not fair on the kids. How old are your kids? After a while they start asking why dad always cancels and when you give them the excuse he's given you they start to point out how that doesn't stop mum seeing them etc. You just remain factual with comments like that's what dad said I'm sorry I don't understand you will have to ask him. Try very hard not to slag him off because even when they know what a waste of space a parent is they still feel hurt when you insult their dad or even agree with them when they say he could do better.

It's shit. But dads can just waltz off and prioritise themselves with no consequences. If you stop contact you are guilty of parental alienation 🤷‍♀️

Thank you, doing something nice is a good idea. I’m usually so ready for a break by the time he actually sees them it’s not really something I’ve done.

I definitely don’t slag him off. In fact I protect him too much, I’ve said things in the past like working when he’s just turned his phone off because he’s hungover.

i wouldn’t ever stop contact, i have too much guilt that they are growing up with a single parent (even this it was ex-H’s fault).
still just exhausting having to deal with his let downs even when we’re not together