To stay somewhere where I don't really have any friends?

[duckityduckitygoose]

I was raised in the home counties and studied in London. My friends from school and university are dispersed across the south (as are DH's uni friends).

DH grew up in a Scottish city and still has family and school friends here. We moved to said city after completing our qualifications, planning to only stay for a few years. I (surprisingly, as I'm quite a homebird) fell in love with the city, far more than DH is in fact. We've created a wonderful life here and now have a baby. Years later, I still walk around utterly in love with our home and neighbourhood, and I can see what a wonderful quality of life we can provide for our child. I really like DH's family and they have lots of family events, so life isn't lonely.

However ... I'm really struggling for friendships. For most of the time living here, I've maintained my friendships down south; I was able to visit regularly and we hosted visitors regularly as well. However, this has all dried up - it is much harder than I anticipated for us to travel with our baby and my friends seem less keen to come up due to cost of living and general busy-ness. Quite a few of these friendships have drifted massively. Our lives seem to be heading in totally different directions even without the distance. None have children and although most want them in 5 years time or so, they are currently filling every moment with careers and travel and festivals etc. (fair enough) and don't really have any time for me anyway it feels.

We used to have a lot of local friends but there have been a lot of shifts recently of people moving away, people moving back (and changing the dynamics), some relationships breaking down etc. I've really put myself out to make mum friends but everyone seems busy and stressed and now people are going back to work anyway. The upshot is we have more acquaintance-type friends than we know what to do with, and can easily fill our calendar seeing these people, but I don't have any close friends and struggle to see how I'll ever make them. I definitely don't have, for example, someone to go for cocktails with, or to invite for a last minute bbq on a sunny day.

I'd always planned to move back closer to my own family and friends, but now I wonder if things have changed anyway and if I can ever really give up the life we have. I'm feeling a bit sad about it all (not helped by all of the instagram posts I'm seeing of people meeting big groups of friends over the sunny weekend and a phone call with my closest friend that felt like it just involved her listing her better friends!!) but maybe this is just how things naturally change entering the 30s anyway? AIBU to stay here and accept that my family will be my main source of socialisation or should I start to think about making the move back?

do you work?

hobbies? gym? baby classes? work? DH’s friends?

Sorry I should have included this. I was working remotely before and am now pretty much a SAHM although still do a bit remotely freelance. So no way to make friends there unfortunately. DH works for an absolutely tiny team and is very rarely in the office so, again, not much going on there.

how old is your baby?

Well, fill the calendar with the acquaintance friends, and with time they will become close friends. Even if you don't, at least you will have had a nice time.

Having a lull like this is really hard. It takes ages to build up friendship groups again, so keep at it.

Hobbies - none. Never had time to cultivate any really.
Gym - yes but has never resulted in more than saying hello and having a brief chat
Baby classes - lots and some involve coffees afterwards but I don't think any of these women have the time to develop any closer friendships and many people I meet have lived here all of their live and already have a full social circle.

I'm not sure I'm convinced I 'need' close friends but I guess I am more concerned I will feel like I missed out down the line. I don't know if this is just a natural drift towards family life and that things will change anyway (like my old friendships drifting) or whether I'm just not trying hard enough...

The upshot is we have more acquaintance-type friends than we know what to do with, and can easily fill our calendar seeing these people, but I don't have any close friends and struggle to see how I'll ever make them. I definitely don't have, for example, someone to go for cocktails with, or to invite for a last minute bbq on a sunny day.

Will the acquaintance-type friends become close friends over time?

Your friendships with your friends down south has changed, they won’t necessarily go back to how they used to be if you move back. Especially if they don’t have children.

I didn’t make a really great set of mum friends until my DC started school.

All my friends scattered, we have as well and I have relocated cities twice for work purposes though now settled for 25 years. It’s one of the prices you pay for having friends in professions who chase their careers. My two brothers moved overseas to America as they studied there and have remained there and they are incredibly wealthy. Now I have been here for a long time I have three friends who are as close as any of the childhood friend's I am still in touch with.

Difference for me is I have never been a SAHM so opportunities there and I have tried loads of hobbies. Some stuck and some fell by the wayside. Everything from belly dancing to watercolour classes, park run to tai chi and volunteering for charities. I even ended up on TV doing that.

I agree with this. They'll all still be wanting to go out to festivals and the like, and won't want to be hampered by a baby; or even worse, a toddler! Even if they have kids if a few years, you will be out going on bike rides with school aged kids and they will be in the midst of nappies and night waking.

There's this thing called "enough friends" syndrome. You move somewhere where everyone has established groups, and don't have time for someone new.

It feels really frustrating, but don't be too discouraged. It just takes time. Gently keep up contact with people, and they will gradually start to make time for you.

how old is your baby?

will you child go to the local school?

that will open up many to you in all likelihood. It did to me and 9 years later still very close

What stands out when talking about your many acquaintances and the baby group mums is you assume there’s no room for movement or growth within their established friends groups.

Your confidence seems to have taken a hit and it’s shit but you need to have enough self esteem to realise that the right people will make space for you to join them. Maybe you need to be the ringleader - I know for sure others within those groups will be feeling the same.

I also get from your writing a feeling of outsider and you need to ditch that because your insecurity and hesitancy could come across as aloof, particularly in Scotland.

Why not throw some effort until the acquaintances? I moved away and I’m a single parent too so I’ve had to make a lot of effort to develop local friendships and it does take time. But you do need to invite people for things and invest some time. Now you’ve got a child be good to make local friends who are parents too. Ask some of the mums at groups if they want to meet for coffee etc

I think I agree re it not necessarily being the same if you move back nearer friends - unless you’re literally in the same neighbourhood the logistics of having a baby can be such a barrier.
I wonder if some of those relationships might drift for now but come back together in future or be steady once a year visits etc?
in terms of local acquaintances/friends - I very much felt like this in the baby year, in a new place.
i think it gets easier over time and people are less tired and absorbed in how to be a parent
I’ve continued to pick up lots of acquaintance level friends but by sheer probability about once every 6 months I’ve met someone I really connected with and now I have a few friends that are growing closer.
It’s also easier I think when kids start making friends and having regular play dates. This also opened up an opportunity for me to deepen my connections by more regular meetings
I haven’t had any time for hobbies yet in the first 4 years but found friendships have jumped out of unexpected places - eg softplay..

These things definitely ebb and flow after university, then when you move locations, then when some people have kids/don't, then when your best friend moves away or gets sick or whatever. You can't have so many close friends you never feel the loss of a friend, and so I think this is inevitable over the years. I also think expecting big groups of friends to stay the same is unrealistic.

I'm a lot older than you and one of my best friends is moving for work to a different country, so no more nights out and coffees with them, perhaps a once yearly trip.

I don't see how moving would solve this, you aren't going to move to a place you can see all your friends, they are busy too, you would then be busy on weekends returning to see family, you can't really recreate that now.

I would keep in touch with your old friends if they seem willing, you never know when you might cross paths again, for work, visiting, don't cut anyone off but I would carry on being sociable where you are, and hope that some of those connections deepen, but people move around a lot these days and that's normal.

Wow, thanks for all the replies.

In terms of the 'acquaintance friends, it is how busy they are, not we are, that determines how often we see these people, so not really an opportunity to become closer. Everyone, everywhere, just seems so busy!! There's definitely no spontaneity with mum friends at all.

My child will got to the local primary ,yes, and I hope this will be an avenue for more friendships.

It's very tricky with no work or hobbies. That's where I find like-minded friends. Much less likely to have lasting things in common with people from gym or schoolgate or neighbourhood where it's not really about who you are. You must have some interests and time to pursue them beyond SAHMing. I'd go a bit mad without that even if I liked the area I lived in and DP's family. Each to their own though.

i’m guessing your baby is maybe toddler age as you say a few years have passed since then

in that case…. school soon

and in the meantime, part time job with colleagues?

Hobbies - none. Never had time to cultivate any really.

oh come on Op! you have one child and SAHM

weekends?
evenings?
when at nursery?

@duckityduckitygoose this busyness though is typical for the early years of parenting, and you won't move and find a group who have lots of time either- those photos are probably of one BBQ this weekend and they won't get together for another three months or more, not as a whole group anyway.

I think people are a bit unrealistic sometimes about what a friendship would be like and how much time people would have to give to that, that's why having lots of friends and not cutting people off for some arbitrary notion of intense friendship.

I loved the closeness of friends in my twenties, but it hasn't come back around for me til about 50, as that's the time my friends are now freer of their children and have more time to do spontaneous stuff.

Also if you are a SAHP and most of your friends work during the week, they will not be free to meet up anyway. I have a lot of friends from my work colleagues, as we have compatible timetables and can do lunch at similar points in the week!

I find it’s easier to make social arrangement during the week, but weekends are really tricky as everyone is busy

Work on developing your local friendships. Having a likeminded cheerful social local group with similar aged kids is a precious thing. Single adults with no kids who live 500 miles away aren’t the friends you need right now.

Sorry for the confusion - my child is still under 1 and so opportunities to volunteer, find hobbies or get back into work are limited.