To move country with daughter - abusive ex doesn't see her

[Katthedog]

Hi everyone! First timer so I hope I'm doing this right!

Background: My daughter is 3 and hasn't seen her biological father since she was 6 months old. He left when I was pregnant after months of emotional/psychological abuse (that I didn't recognise at the time) then came back a week before my due date claiming he was sorry and loved me and being vulnerable with a week to go I took him back and unfortunately put him on the birth certificate. 6 months later I ended the relationship after so much stonewalling when I didn't want sex (not speaking to me when the baby was 7 weeks old as I wasn't ready for sex!) and a lot of other things.

The day I ended it, he rang social services claiming the baby was unsafe with me due to my house being in a mess. The SW that rang me was amazing and said she had already spoken to the health visitor who informed her that he was abusive (he had previously threatened to get her sacked because I showed her texts from him when confiding in her about his behaviour). SS came over 2 weeks later, saw that "conditions were not as reported", closed the case and in the final notes raised concerns about his behaviour and put a safety plan in place for myself which included an instruction that the baby was to reside with me and should he wish to exercise his parental responsibility he should contact a solicitor. 6 months later I had just completed the freedom programme and received a letter requesting mediation and my local support agency replied on my behalf to say that mediation was inappropriate due to history of abuse.

My daughter is now 3 and I have met a wonderful man who treats me and my daughter amazingly, she has grown to naturally call him Daddy and I have two great older teen step children and their mum is very supportive of our blended family, I am going in to the last year of a degree as a mature student and the future looks so different to 3 years ago. (To add we would never hide that my daughter has a biological father and we have agreed that the right thing to do by my daughter is to let her know my ex exists should she wish to know more about him etc)

Due to the nature of my partners work and the ages of the older step children, we are looking to relocate to Spain in 3 years. My daughter will then be 6 and if there is still no contact he will have not seen her in 5.5 years. I'm keen to give my daughter this amazing experience but I do feel the pressure of making sure my decisions are right for her; as supportive as my partner is, the buck stops with me!

So a few questions I guess - AIBU to want to relocate to Spain with my daughter so far away from my ex partner but who doesn't have any contact?

And due to the nature of needing his permission, how likely is this to be granted given that he has no contact?

Sorry for such a long post and TIA if you respond!

I’m fairly sure that this might be ever so slightly illegal, so you might want to get legal advice to discuss the consequences, but if he still hasn’t made contact by the time you’re getting ready to move, then I wouldn’t seek his permission. I’d just keep very quiet about it, pick her up and go. It’s not like he’s going to notice, is it? If you ask for permission, he’s going to say no, without a doubt. And it will be purely to annoy you.

Thank you! Yes I've seen that if I don't ask permission I've committed an abduction which will be a criminal offence and I'll need to come back to the UK. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder I'd rather do things the correct way. I'd love to just up and leave but it's still technically abduction which is mad really isn't it

You need to get legal advice, it is too risky not to, especially if he is on the birth certificate and/or if you were married to him.

Yes to clarify I wouldn't be going without going through the correct procedures, I'm checking to see if it's a reasonable action moving her out the country despite him not seeing her and if anyone has experience or know the likelihood of us being able to go despite (I'm assuming) that he will object just to be difficult

I would look at the possibility of her step-dad adopting her. It would need ex to agree to it but it might be the best idea to get him out of your lives completely.

This is a good idea. I'm doubtful ex will agree given his behaviour previously but yes this is something to look in to! Does he effectively give up his parental responsibility then if he agrees? Not that I think he will!

I assume you're not claiming any maintenance from the ex, so maybe he might agree to adoption in order to absolve him of any payments being due? I'm sure a good solicitor could help here

That's the only thing he has eventually done, is pay maintenance. He was angry to begin with and missed a month but they just added that on to his monthly payments split over 6 months so he has stuck to his maintenence payments each month

@coffeenowpls what??