I don’t know why they’re happening, but I’m having huge meltdowns. I’m usually triggered when me and my partner have bickers or disagreements and then I will have a full blown meltdown. I’ll cry, I’ll hit my head or my leg, I’ll say things like I don’t want to be here anymore / having suicidal thoughts. I’d never act on them and have never tried but my partner is scared that one day I will.
Ive tried various antidepressants and am in therapy but I’m only getting worse.
Yesterday I was at my partners sports game. We were having a conversation and I stopped for around 10 seconds to find something I was talking about. I didn’t realise that somebody else started talking to him so I looked up and said something. He bluntly and quite rudely said “I’m talking to someone”.
I got upset and then it was his turn. He didn’t perform very well. Halfway through his turn he came over and asked what was wrong and that I “had a face like a slapped arse”. I explained why I was upset then he went off again.
We didn’t talk for the rest of the evening. He later said he didn’t want me there that evening because I had really pissed him off. He said I looked really offended when he was having a conversation with someone else. He said it wasn’t the first time, I always interrupt or expect him to talk to me above everyone else.
I apologised but also said he spoke to me rudely, so I said he wouldn’t have said it to rudely to others. He said he wouldn’t have had to tell anyone else because “everyone else has the social awareness to not talk to me whilst I’m in a conversation”.
I feel so embarrassed because I’m not even aware of this.
He also said I ruined his performance and cant have somebody affecting this.
I became so so so upset. I don’t deal well with guilt and this is when I have meltdowns. I sobbed and cried and hit my leg. I apologised for not being good enough and doing everything wrong and said I didn’t even want to be alive anymore.
He did apologise for being rude and how he worded things.
He said he can’t deal with my meltdowns anymore and I’m driving him crazy.
He then said I needed serious help and demanded to drive me to hospital.
I asked him not to tell anyone we know, because I was embarrassed, and he said “so you’re stopping me from offloading about my personal life to others” because I “care more about my personal image” than his wellbeing.
Also I asked him not to shout at me and he said “how else am I supposed to express my anger” and “am I just meant to hold things in”.
I then decided to instead call the crisis team. They weren’t very helpful if i am honest. Just told me to try my best to stop the arguments etc.
I’m also devastated because partner said he wants things to work but, based on how things are now, isn’t sure if he sees a future with me.
We then got home and he just plonked on the bed clearly exhausted.
I’ve woken up so full of guilt and terror and just feeling plain awful and I don’t know where to go from here 😭
Sorry I don’t know the point of this thread. Just need advice