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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sorry long but mentally struggling and need to offload - please be kind :(

25 replies

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 09:07

I don’t know why they’re happening, but I’m having huge meltdowns. I’m usually triggered when me and my partner have bickers or disagreements and then I will have a full blown meltdown. I’ll cry, I’ll hit my head or my leg, I’ll say things like I don’t want to be here anymore / having suicidal thoughts. I’d never act on them and have never tried but my partner is scared that one day I will.
Ive tried various antidepressants and am in therapy but I’m only getting worse.

Yesterday I was at my partners sports game. We were having a conversation and I stopped for around 10 seconds to find something I was talking about. I didn’t realise that somebody else started talking to him so I looked up and said something. He bluntly and quite rudely said “I’m talking to someone”.
I got upset and then it was his turn. He didn’t perform very well. Halfway through his turn he came over and asked what was wrong and that I “had a face like a slapped arse”. I explained why I was upset then he went off again.

We didn’t talk for the rest of the evening. He later said he didn’t want me there that evening because I had really pissed him off. He said I looked really offended when he was having a conversation with someone else. He said it wasn’t the first time, I always interrupt or expect him to talk to me above everyone else.
I apologised but also said he spoke to me rudely, so I said he wouldn’t have said it to rudely to others. He said he wouldn’t have had to tell anyone else because “everyone else has the social awareness to not talk to me whilst I’m in a conversation”.
I feel so embarrassed because I’m not even aware of this.
He also said I ruined his performance and cant have somebody affecting this.

I became so so so upset. I don’t deal well with guilt and this is when I have meltdowns. I sobbed and cried and hit my leg. I apologised for not being good enough and doing everything wrong and said I didn’t even want to be alive anymore.
He did apologise for being rude and how he worded things.
He said he can’t deal with my meltdowns anymore and I’m driving him crazy.
He then said I needed serious help and demanded to drive me to hospital.
I asked him not to tell anyone we know, because I was embarrassed, and he said “so you’re stopping me from offloading about my personal life to others” because I “care more about my personal image” than his wellbeing.

Also I asked him not to shout at me and he said “how else am I supposed to express my anger” and “am I just meant to hold things in”.

I then decided to instead call the crisis team. They weren’t very helpful if i am honest. Just told me to try my best to stop the arguments etc.

I’m also devastated because partner said he wants things to work but, based on how things are now, isn’t sure if he sees a future with me.

We then got home and he just plonked on the bed clearly exhausted.
I’ve woken up so full of guilt and terror and just feeling plain awful and I don’t know where to go from here 😭

Sorry I don’t know the point of this thread. Just need advice

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 12/05/2024 09:12

Iv been there. Turns out mine were totally a consequence of low level but consistent bullying from my then partner. It was like I couldn’t process it and I’d do the things you described. Got rid of him and Iv never felt that out of control or dysregulated ever again.

Fluffytoebeanz · 12/05/2024 09:20

I know this is a MN cliche but are you neurodiverse? Meltdowns with hurting yourself are not really NT - I lose my temper but from what you've said this sounds different. I say this as the mum of a ND teen who has hit herself and more since she was tiny. It is exhausting for everyone

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 09:20

Thank you. I really don’t think it’s him. He’s actually been so lovely and supportive until last night I think he’s on the end of his tether.

When he said what I did wrong, I ended up flipping it on him and saying “well you were wrong too”. He said to me that it was narcissistic

OP posts:
BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 09:21

Honestly I think I may be. I have anxiety and depression. I suspect ADHD or PTSD or even OCD but I can’t find a way to be assessed without paying thousands and I’ve Been on adhd waiting list for 1.5 years

OP posts:
MabelTheCow · 12/05/2024 09:24

What do you find more triggering, the behaviour within the relationship or the possibility of the relationship ending?

Therageisreal · 12/05/2024 09:25

I agree with the MN cliche it could potentially be autism. Melt downs and lack of social awareness. Obviously this is just one post from you. Your reaction to DP sounds like DARVO, have you apologised and owned your behaviour?

Colombie · 12/05/2024 09:26

You can't solve anything when you are overwhelmed. Give yourself some time out today. Whatever you need to do to calm your nervous system down and get out of this fight or flight/shutting down place. Check into a hotel, or go for a long walk, don't talk to anyone, go to bed and sleep, take yourself somewhere picturesque for a solo picnic if nature is your thing.

Concentrate on getting your emotional balance back before you start to address any of this. I expect you know a bit about anxiety...? Your body is in overdrive, you need to forgive it for feeling like this and calm it back down before your brain will be able to work properly. It might take a lot longer than you think but concentrate on that so that you can have a go at the rest later.

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 09:30

Thank you so much. That’s really helpful. What is DARVO @Therageisreal ? I hate the thought that I’m being abusive without even realising but I guess I need to know to fix it

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 12/05/2024 09:31

Again op I'm querying whether you may be ND as it would explain why you're struggling to emotionally relate in certain situations and maybe why there's a bit of a disconnect in your expectations of each other.

Can you access free counselling from a charity or similar service while you are waiting for assessment? Truthfully op, it's unfair that every time you have an argument you're reacting by inadvertently threatening suicide. Whether you mean it to be or not it's manipulative behaviour and shuts your partner down. So if this is how you're feeling it's your responsibility to own that and make sure that you prioritise accessing support. There's a number of places that offer free counselling so you should be able to access that although they might have a waiting list.

Have there been other situations in the past where you've felt overwhelmed and reacted in this way? Women and girls often are better at "hiding" ND traits but that can be absolutely exhausting. So maybe keeping a journal or similar would help you to look back and see if there's certain things that are more triggering for you than others and then at least you'd be able to go into those situations together knowing and being more prepared.

GrumpyOldCrone · 12/05/2024 09:43

So he blames you for things and then ridicules you for having meltdowns? What a prince.

No, I don’t think you’re abusive. But your partner is, at the very least, rather insensitive.

ItsSerious · 12/05/2024 09:49

I'm not sure what "neurodiverse" conditions cause meltdowns other than autism. Why do you think it's ADHD? I'm not aware of ADHD meltdowns!

(I'm autistic and my partner has ADHD. He never has meltdowns and I have them frequently).

curtainpoledrama · 12/05/2024 09:51

Hi op, the fact that you've said 'I don't know what's happening but I'm having huge meltdowns' implies this hasn't always been you and is relatively recent?
How old are you op? If around 40+ it could be perimenopause related. I've had an horrendous time with perimenopause, over past 3 years it got worse and worse, extreme anxiety, extreme rage, extremely emotional all at random times and for what looking back were completely irrational. I've just started HRT and it's already making me feel more balanced. You need to speak to a doctor to start unlocking whatever the cause is . Good luck to you x

Chelle87l · 12/05/2024 09:51

It's seems like you find it difficult to regulate your emotions, but please don't apologise for something you haven't done! You were in the mid conversation with him. It's him who should apologise for him being rude. Next time you feel things bubbling, take a walk
Deep breathing
Colouring

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 09:56

It’s only really been last few years. I am only 27. Had thyroid checked but all ok

OP posts:
Therageisreal · 12/05/2024 09:58

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 09:30

Thank you so much. That’s really helpful. What is DARVO @Therageisreal ? I hate the thought that I’m being abusive without even realising but I guess I need to know to fix it

Have a read up on google. I’ve fallen into this trap and done it when I’ve trying to avoid being accountable for my behaviour.

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 10:12

Thank you yes it’s definitely possible but I really don’t mean to

OP posts:
Therageisreal · 12/05/2024 10:14

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 10:12

Thank you yes it’s definitely possible but I really don’t mean to

Neither did I. It was a pattern I slipped into but I managed to stop it.

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 10:16

Sorry for all the questions, how did you successfully stop it @Therageisreal i feel it’d be so hard if I don’t realise I’m doing it! Then it’s too late

OP posts:
BurnerName1 · 12/05/2024 10:16

You're sounding more like Borderline or Autism to be honest rather than ADHD. I wouldn't rule out that you're just in a somewhat poisonous relationship. Don't assume you have ADHD. Wait and see a professional.

Allthesea · 12/05/2024 10:19

You do sound like you may be autistic.
A diagnosis will not change things, but you can start reading up about autism and also about techniques for emotional regulation.

The biggest thing you need to learn is to own your emotions. Other people do not “make you” feel and do things. The way you feel and the things you do are a “you” thing. Sometimes it can feel scary and out of control, but it’s your responsibility to understand and think about your reaction, decide if it was proportionate and what to do about it / how to help yourself differently next time.

You cannot expect others to change or live their lives in order to solve your feelings. Apart from anything else, that is a very disempowering position to put yourself in.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 12/05/2024 10:24

How long have you been with your partner? You said these meltdowns and situations have been going on for the last few years. Does it coincide with the length of time you’ve been with him?

I agree threatening suicide is absolutely not on and is inexcusable.

That said, I do think he was rude (if I have understood it correctly) in that he was mid conversation with you and then switched to a conversation with someone else. I get brain fog and lose track of what I’m saying so my husband knows to hang on for a bit. But if he genuinely thought you were finished then he didn’t do anything wrong. Being blunt and rude about it wasn’t great either.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 12/05/2024 10:24

What was your childhood like OP? It sounds like slight rejections from your partner triggers the meltdowns (your example of him shutting you down saying he was talking to someone else). Wondering if you were emotionally neglected or rejected a lot as a child? I think the suicide threats are a vicious cycle as they get your partner to realise that you're really, really upset and attend to you in the moment. But they also burn him out and cause him to push you away which makes you feel more ashamed and anxious, which sets you up for another meltdown at the next perceived rejection. DBT could maybe help.

Fluffytoebeanz · 12/05/2024 10:30

You can have meltdowns with ADHD, there are often cross overs. But obviously we can't tell as we don't know OP and how she copes generally

BananaShrimp1 · 12/05/2024 14:46

Thank you x

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