To think this is unrealistic? Or is he right he can do this journey?

[Yesfrepp]

me and ex have dc 2.5. I live in Derby outskirts. He lives in manchester. He sees dc every sat and Sunday and travels to see him. He’s decided to take a job in Edinburgh. I won’t go into his work details but it’s quite niche and I can broadly understand the move although I think he could take a small career hit and find something else.

Anyway, he’s saying he will get a train to Derby from Edinburgh which is four hours almost and 3 changes. He will stay over at our house - I have a big house and don’t mind this. To drive us 4 hours 45 mins which he said he might also do sometimes.

He thinks plenty of people do this? Is it realistic? I am concerned it won’t be realistic in practice and dc will be let down.

It's unclear but do you mean once a week he'd make that trip?

Why does he do all the travelling? Could you meet him sometimes (I'm not suggesting all the time!!) a bit further up?

@OneTC sorry yes arrive Saturday 11ish and leave 4:30 Sunday

My partner drove regularly to see his daughter on the other end of the county. It was 3.5h there, then back with her to our house on Friday night, then another return journey on Sunday. Where there is a will, there is a way.

@OrlandointheWilderness yes open to ideas about where to meet. But given he left us and chose to leave our home in the first place, and I care for dc all week alone, so far I’ve let him come to us. I’m not dismissing the idea though, I would look at meet up places

@Catza thanks this is encouraging! So he drove 7 hours a time to do pick up and drop off?

It's not that crazy.

I used to work away a lot and would have a similar trip at the start and finish of most weeks, sometimes my OH would come and see me if I was working somewhere nice.

Of course he can make that trip, but the travel times are minimums (train delays, roadworks) and the train cost is horrendous.

Any ideas as to meet up places would be great!

I think the problem will come when he meets someone as that wouldn’t work within (many) relationships or wants to socialise with people he’s met or is just really tired after all the travelling. DSC lived 3 hours from us and we only managed every other weekend with help from family members to do either pick up or drop off.

This stops working as soon as one of you starts dating. Someone might say they are fine at the start of the arrangement but weekly sleepovers at the ex’s house is not something a partner will tolerate long term.

Yes. We did move closer at the end, not because of the journey time but because he was missing out on his mid-week time with his daughter. But he hasn't missed a single weekend up until then.

@Catza could I ask what sort of work he did to accommodate this? I’m guessing he had to leave early on a Friday?

The obvious meeting place would be at one of the train stations he has to change at

He is self-employed so that made it easier as he could leave mid-afternoon. Sometimes he would set off around 6pm on Fridays and they would grab late dinner on the way back and arrive past bed time. Obviously, his daughter was quite a bit older than your kid but then again, it sounds as though your ex is not planning to drive back and forth with them so it's not a massive issue if he shows up late on Friday, ready to have a full weekend with them.

How long has he been doing the every weekend thing anyway?

Was he staying at your house overnight?

Agree with pp that's not a long term plan on it's own, never mind the cost of the train.

If he goes, I can imagine contact would be fortnightly and that feels more realistic?

Agree. I don't think something that involves his every weekend and so much of yours is going to be sustainable, unless you both stay without partners for the duration. Realistically you probably won't.

Wouldn't he be better flying?

Sorry to be a naysayer, but I don't think this will work long term. My DC's dad lives 2.5hrs away. He used to visit regularly, but has since met a partner. He's cancelled plans to visit several times over the last year or two, including my youngest's 4th birthday (too tired, not feeling great, said he would help his neice paint a room, said he was going to take his mum out for lunch...). Numerous times has said he will come about 10ish and then not left his house until mid-afternoon so not arrived until dinner time and weve had a wasted day. Three times I've suggested we go to him and each time it was not convenient and he didn't suggest alternative dates or options, so I don't suggest it any more.

Worst is when he cancelled by text and then I had to tell DC he wasn't coming.

He now sees DC every 3 months-ish, and facetimes maybe once in between visits.