Partner flips out

[52stillgothair]

I’ll try and be brief, I’ve been working a few extra night shifts recently so my tiredness levels have dropped a bit.

We haven’t been out for a while, and we’re both getting a bit short with each other. We had planned to go for a curry early eve.

Yesterday, I felt complete burnt out, ending up sleeping for about 4 hours in the afternoon and when I woke up, I still felt groggy, headachy etc etc. So after telling my partner that I wasn’t feeling great, they flipped out with me saying I do this all the time. (I have been a bit of a home body in the past but I was actually looking forward to going out).

Cue an arguement, dirt was flung and words were said. They’re still p1***d with me this morning. AIBU for feeling this is unreasonable behaviour? Or should I have made more of an effort? Taken some paracetamol and just got on with it?

I don't think you should have just got on with it.

How come you're doing extra night shifts though? It seems like you can't do them and have time to do things that you want.

Just for this week. Normally I do the odd one.

They need to apologise for their behaviour. If they don't then I'd have serious concerns about the future of the relationship.

Doing night shifts doesn't seem feasible going forward though...if doing one leads you to burn out it just doesn't seem worth it.

I’d done a few this week, that’s not normal. It just burnt me out

I can see it from both perspective as I am currently in your partner's shoes. Over the last month my partner cancelled three date nights, a weekend trip and a movie night because he is currently working too much. He also comes home completely out of it so we don't even get any quality time together in the evenings. While I completely understand that he is tired and has too much on at work (in fact, he is working without a day off this week), I can't help but feel disregarded and forgotten about. I can't just be expected to take it on a chin and not be upset about it.
I am not saying you should have gone or that your partner should have used strong language but don't you see how they might feel in this situation?

Yeah, I totally understand that, and we haven’t been out for while. For me, it’s being still angry the next day and not understanding that I just felt out of it. But I can definitely see it from their perspective.

Cue an arguement, dirt was flung and words were said.

What was actually said? I wouldn't want to brand him as a dickhead without knowing this...

It really doesn’t matter what was said. It was just the usual, they said, I said

Why are you doing the over time? As it seems this is at expense of your relationship. If it’s because you have debt or are desperately saving for some thing this is understandable.

Well, it does matter.

If you said some vile things to him, then I could understand why he'd still be pissed off with you this morning.

It may not even be about you cancelling the date, but more about what you said to him.

They called me boring and I said they were selfish, in a nutshell. Other things were said. But that was down to pure frustration.

My ex and I spilt because he always wanted to stay at home and i wanted us to go out, go away for weekends etc
I just got really bored with him
You were ill that trumps going out of course but you admit this happens a lot. Relationships need nurturing and spending fun time together too

Agreed, I could put in more of an effort with them. That is fair. On this occasion though, maybe they felt like it was “just another excuse”?

He sounds frustrated and was probably looking forward to spending time with you. No excuse for nasty words though. I'd let it go, and find a way of communicating better

I’m probably the best communicator. I calm quicker, they need a little more time - this is fine, we all work on different schedules.

I’m M my partner F

I don't understand why you went straight from woke from nap with headache straight to canx the night out missing out the trying a few glasses of water in case it was a dehydration head, and paracetamol if water not helpful stage. No wonder your gf is pissed off.

As a one-off this would have been an over-reaction but if you have form for it, I'd say it's understandable to fill angry for some time. I am fairly easy-going but I find myself feeling frustrated with my current situation and yes, I feel angry daily because nothing changes. So every day is just a reminder of how unimportant the relationship is compared to work. Make some effort if you want to see your partner not being angry with you all the time. It's not rocket science. You are quick to cool off because clearly you don't see any of it as a big deal whereas they do. And by implying they should get over it with the same speed as you is just invalidating.
And calling your partner selfish for wanting to spend time with you... I think that in a cold light of day you can probably see who the selfish person in a relationship is. Do better.

How old are you. Why are you feeling groggy after doing some extra shifts? Do you do lots of other stuff at home too? My ex DH always had to have a "lie down" after doing something a bit strenuous. He was relatively young, fit and healthy and to be honest on got on my fucking tits. It was like living with an invalid.

@ginasevern I assumed he's 52

'Cue an arguement, dirt was flung and words were said'.

I would never be in a relationship like this. Does your girlfriend enhance your life, is dating her fun, and easy? That's the whole point of a relationship.

I do most of the cooking, I clean, I’m the only driver, I always make her a cup of coffee first thing, I take the dog out most of the time

Like I said, I was ill. I had a migraine, due to burn out.

I called them selfish for getting angry because I said I was ill. If you tell your partner you’re
ill, do they kick off?

Most of the time, yes