A love tested

[Mumwifedaughtersisterfriend]

My husband and I are struggling and I feel like I'm going mad. A couple of months ago my husband asked if I still loved him and said that he had tested me for 2 weeks to see how affectionate I was with him. This completely caught me off guard as i was feeling really happy with us. I had noticed that he'd withdrawn, I'd asked if he was OK and was told he was tired. I assumed he needed space so apparently I failed the test. This is an argument we've had multiple times over the years. He says I'm not affectionate, I say he doesn't communicate that to me, but he's never added the test before. I asked what he wanted to do about it. His response was "I don't know". I said he perhaps needs his own interests outside of me and the kids. He says "I just want to be a good father and husband" but joined a gym because he says it'll "get me out of your way". We are currently in counselling which he agreed to with "if you think that's what we need". It feels like he comes to me with problems and expects me to take all responsibility. Its worth noting that ive recently gone back to full time work. He's actually really stepped up now, doing things around the house, helping with the kids cause I said it felt like I could really do with him taking some responsibility. I feel like I'm going crazy though. He's doing what I asked for but I still feel really hurt that this argument is happening again. I feel like I completely checked out of the marriage to protect my feelings after the argument and can't check back in. AIBU? How do I get back to being in the relationship? I feel so tired and sad now.

This sounds awful 😖 not sure I'd stay with him to be honest

Instead of communicating openly with you, he’s setting secret tests and deciding if you pass or fail based on invisible criteria. This is not the behaviour of a man who respects you.

This stood out to me, ' He says I'm not affectionate, I say he doesn't communicate that to me'

He is literally communicating it to you by saying it, seemingly repeatedly if you have the argument over and over again. How else do you want him to say it?

Have you both ever looked in to love languages? Either by yourselves or with the counsellor? When you have one partner who conveys affection in a different way to the way the other person wants to receive it, it can leave the recipient feeling unloved and the giver feeling baffled because as far as they are concerned everything's fine - sounds to me like you may well have a mismatch here?

This is quite nasty behaviour. A test? How are you supposed to pass/fail if you don't know what's going on or what he even wants.

Marriage is about communication..not secret tests! i would have automatically told him you where testing him too to see if he would play a game instead of just saying he wanted more affection and he failed! But don't do this.

On a serious note (don't do what I just said!) But bring it up in your counselling session.

It's not nice behaviour.

I would also take this up in counselling.

I agree with @Goldenthigh he is communicating it to you. You are for some reason not hearing this. So the conversation need to be around
Why did he feel a test was needed? (That is not good )

How can you hear his concerns around this. Aka in what way does he need to communicate it so you can take that on board.

How can you productivity move forward

It's worth saying my husband is a good man and wonderful father. It's just that his reliance on the kids and I for his happiness, his lack of self motivation is causing problems. Yes, I do need to listen to him about the affection. I hold my hands up for that. It isn't naturally my love language so I'm trying to work at it. However, this argument does seem to come up when my focus I drawn elsewhere, for example, this time I've started a new full time job so I'm distracted getting us all into a new routine and learn another job. We're definitely working on the differing love languages in counselling.

Reverse this. How many times have women on MN complained about lack of affection from their partners? How many say their partners should 'just know' what they need? How many say they 'live for their family and get nothing (attention) in return'?
And I bet these women do 'tests' all the time, maybe they don't realise they are or think of it that way. I bet they occasionally think 'if I don't do X or do Y I'll see how he responds'? That's a 'test'. And often recommended on these pages do do exactly that!
He has told you. But it seems you want him to change (go find outside interests, not depend on family) rather than work towards a compromise.
Maybe you have outgrown the relationship?

A new job, you say? What a perfect opportunity for him to support you in establishing new routines, pick up a bit more domestic responsibility, plan with you how to implement the changes. He could have done all that. Instead, he feels entitled to test you. This is quite controlling behaviour. I wouldn’t feel very affectionate in this situation either.

I agree with @mondaytosunday - this sort of thing is also done passive aggressively by many people with things like housework... not doing the washing and seeing it gets done for example (often without realising what the other person does!).

He has flagged it multiple times, so this 'test' is to see whether it has been acted upon.

If it's just not how you are (my partner is a zero on the affectionate scale), then he either has to lump it, you have to fake it, or one of you will leave.

He might be talking about sex, which is another issue... but if he's just talking about general affection, I might even consider 'faking' it! Speaking as the receiver in an identical situation, even a kiss or a hug goes miles! That kiss as he leaves, that snuggle on the couch, that follow-up when he says he's tired ("is that all, it seems like there's something more... can I cheer you up with a cup of coffee?"), even if it's not naturally your personality, will make him feel a thousand times better! Sometimes you just want to feel like you're important to the other person...

he had tested me for 2 weeks to see how affectionate I was with him

This really would be a deal-breaker for me. I absolutely detest game-playing of this kind.

I don’t like the test.

But equally your approach to him does seem to be lacking in care. This stood out:

“I had noticed that he'd withdrawn, I'd asked if he was OK and was told he was tired. I assumed he needed space”

He's your husband, not your colleague or flatmate. If I was in that position I would have made an extra effort to understand why my DH was feeling down, made more of a fuss of him etc. His unhappiness would be my unhappiness. Can’t imagine shrugging my shoulders and getting on with my life. That’s very cold so maybe he does have a point?

Have you asked what he expects you to show him as affection? Everyone is different in how they show affection and if he has specific requirements that tick the box, it would help to know whether that’s something you are able or willing to do.

He sounds very needy and his timing won’t be a coincidence. He’s looking for a mother too and is likely bothered by the fact your attention isn’t on him, home and the kids as much. That’s something he needs to deal with.

My ex took everything that wasn’t worshipping him as rejection and it was awful to live with. I couldn’t have an off day without it being about him and how I wasn’t making him feel loved. I knew where the need came from and tried hard to accommodate but ultimately he needed to fix his weird issues himself and not rely on me to meet his needs for attention and adoration. Ex for a reason.

I do understand your point here but i had asked multiple times. Unfortunately his way of dealing with problems is often to sulk and just not talk. Believe me, if I thought pushing for an answer would work I would do this as I hate the silent treatment.