My wife and I have not been in contact with my parents since last year. My mother has narcissistic traits and very toxic ways, dad is/was a nice person but has now been completely brainwashed and doesn't stop her in her path of destruction.
The no contact came after years and years of adult manipulation, guilt tripping, you name it. Also the realisation that I'd been emotionally and mentally abused from a child. Having a family of my own together with my wife showed me how toxic the parent/child relationship was and continued to be.
I have a brother, whom has a very enmeshed relationship with our mother. She has caused his marriage to fail, along with my fathers enabling and my brothers inability to stand by his wife. She put so much pressure on them. He's now become someone who fishes with us on my mother's behalf and it makes us very uncomfortable. I am the other son, I've always been less thought of. However, I saw a change in this when I had children. My mother's ways worsened, she had an obsession with them; and not a healthy one. It would be only for herself, to show and tell the babies rather than for any genuine reason. The obsession brought demands and entitled behaviour about my wife and I's children. She began to try and play my wife and I against one another behind our backs, it was really effecting my wife's mental health and I became angry and even anxious in anticipation of my own parents coming to visit. She would come and insult my wife shortly after birth, and never fail to make every occasion about herself. She dampened our happiest moments and I foresaw her aiming to repeat history with our marriage too.
I say all of this for some context for advice on what to do, however, as you can imagine I am simply scratching the surface here. We have not been in contact for 8 months now. This came after I informed my mother than I did not want her ways around me and my family and I didn't want to see her. She is not respecting this decision. She sent the children cards for Christmas, then she sent cards and money for Easter (posted by my brother). I returned this through the letterbox as I didn't want her to think I'd accepted money from them. This morning, I've received a card with money in it for my birthday. This time it had been posted by stamp from the nearest post office which is about half a mile away. Each time brings a new mind game, it seems. She's also text me to wish me a happy birthday. This has the opposite effect for me. It causes my wife and I stress. Having known all of what she's done, she's not taken any steps to apologise and thinks sending a card will suffice to claw us back. I note it's irreparable and my mother's not said a single sorry in her life so I didn't expect one but it's blatant disrespect of our wishes and bolshiness.
In terms of the card, I understand that returning the card could be us reacting to her? But I also don't wish to keep the money from her as that gives her opportunity to take the view that the money was good enough and she will keep trying to send it in future. I have considered returning with a note inside to explicitly say not to contact us again. When I told her how I felt previously I believe I had worded it that I didn't want to see her or have her around my children. I'm not sure it was black and white enough for her. Is the 8 months that have passed sufficient to assume contact is unwanted?? For the normal person, I think so, but I'm not sure it applies for her. This is something I want to be clear on as if this continues I feel it is harassing and I want to protect my family from the anxiety it causes. How do I make it stop? Sounds extreme but do I take steps for her to be legally warned not to contact us?
I would be extremely grateful for some guidance from anyone in a similar position or if you have knowledge on how to deal with someone toxic in this way. It is a difficult call. Appreciate it.