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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I need a new personality in order to attract men

24 replies

Wasproulade · 11/05/2024 18:07

I think men generally like me as a person, they say I'm interesting, funny, smart, and that they really like talking to me.
I think they find me physically attractive enough, however they're just not attracted to me, and it gets me down.
People describe me as 'sweet' and 'cute', I'm not sure why but I don't think it's doing me any favours.
I'm also described as caring, thoughtful and so on.
However, I generally don't think men want 'lovely', they want sexy, edge, bold and so on.
I do share my opinion, I don't just go along with everything and I disagree with stuff, but I just want to get out of this 'sweet' persona and start being someone that men are sexually attracted to.
I'm 33, any ideas?

OP posts:
thanKyouaIMee · 11/05/2024 18:11

I think the right man would like you as you are, not some fake "edgy" persona.

Perpetualpotion · 11/05/2024 18:14

“Men” are not some homogenous mass who all share the same hive mind.

Be yourself, and put yourself in a position to meet people. That’s all.

CountingCrones · 11/05/2024 18:14

Rather than bother about which men might want you, which men do you like and find attractive?

Why is it them doing the choosing, OP?

Original poster
Wasproulade · 11/05/2024 18:15

I don't know, it just feels this way sometimes :(
I am trying to get out there more. I've been to two meetups, but sadly there was nobody there I fancied.
The man I like is going to the Grand Prix in July, I keep feeling like he'll meet someone there :(

OP posts:
ohthejoys21 · 11/05/2024 18:17

You just haven't met the right person yet.

Newgirls · 11/05/2024 18:19

Grand Prix man - have you asked him on a date?

Original poster
Wasproulade · 11/05/2024 18:21

Newgirls · 11/05/2024 18:19

Grand Prix man - have you asked him on a date?

No, but it's clear he's not interested. I'd know by now if he is..I just keep thinking he'll meet someone there and start dating them, I know it sounds really paranoid.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 11/05/2024 18:22

Either ask him or forget about him. Don’t change yourself

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/05/2024 19:32

You went to two meet ups and didn’t fancy anyone there; in turn, it’s completely normal that you’ll go places and people won’t fancy you, either. That’s just how it is, most people don’t fancy most people. Keep getting out to places where there are opportunities to meet a broad range of people, be engaging and genuine and go with the view that you’re going to have a nice time and meet new people and have some interesting conversations regardless of whether anything else comes of it, rather than being myopic about meeting Mr Right and coming across as a bit too eager and try-hard.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 11/05/2024 19:38

Forget about the man going to the Grand Prix.

I’d probably go to meetings/meet ups where you’ll find someone interesting or have fun. But don’t force it.

At your age I was taken to a few sporting events which I was bored stupid at, because a friend of mine said “we’ll meet some nice men there”. The men were mostly interested in the event, not women though they did talk to you. I got a couple of the men thinking wrongly that I was interested in the sport…

Catsmere · 11/05/2024 23:55

Don't try to make yourself some fantasy persona, whether it's a man's fantasy or your idea of what that might be. Even if that worked, what would be the point? How long could you live pretending to be someone you aren't? And really, is their attention worth that much? Yes, it can be lonely at times being single, but romantic relationships aren't necessarily a cure for that. Sometimes the opposite.

To paraphrase PP, don't fixate on meeting Mr Right, or Mr Anyone for that matter. Live your life.

Pigeonqueen · 12/05/2024 00:03

I think a) you’ve just not met the right person for you yet, it’s really important to be yourself because you want someone to want you for you. 10/20 years down the line you need to be able to be completely yourself, not on some sort of best / sexy behaviour. But b) in my experience men just want someone to want them; to literally think the sun shines out of their arse, to think they’re THE sexiest, most amazing man in the whole world. And if they fancy you this is basically all they want. (In my own experience anyway). So it’s a weird combination of those two things.

crackofdoom · 12/05/2024 00:05

Yes.
Try being less funny and intelligent.
(bitter)

JamSandle · 12/05/2024 00:16

Just be who you are :)

You don't need to change your fundamental personality.

Beezknees · 12/05/2024 00:32

The right man will like your personality as it is. If you're being fake then you won't attract the man that is right for you.

SuprasternalNotch · 12/05/2024 01:03

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/05/2024 19:32

You went to two meet ups and didn’t fancy anyone there; in turn, it’s completely normal that you’ll go places and people won’t fancy you, either. That’s just how it is, most people don’t fancy most people. Keep getting out to places where there are opportunities to meet a broad range of people, be engaging and genuine and go with the view that you’re going to have a nice time and meet new people and have some interesting conversations regardless of whether anything else comes of it, rather than being myopic about meeting Mr Right and coming across as a bit too eager and try-hard.

This. You sound preoccupied by this fantasy woman you think ‘men’ will reliably fancy. I also agree with a pp — think about who and what you fancy? Behaving as though you’re some kind of ‘sweet’ consolation prize isn’t going to be attractive to anyone. Centring yourself and appreciating who you are is.

SlothsNeverGetIll · 12/05/2024 06:34

I generally don't think men want 'lovely', they want sexy, edge, bold and so on.

I thought this sort of thing in my teens. Now I'm an adult, no I don't recognise this in any of the men that I know.
And how on earth would you act 'sexy' if you're not?! I'm not, and to try to become so would be so intensely cringe, I'm practically turning inside out thinking about it!

Wannabegreenfingers · 12/05/2024 07:31

I feel your pain. The men I'm attracted to never seem interested. Lots of people like me, but I never seem enough to have a relationship with.

Grand Prix man, might be shy and waiting on you. You have nothing to loose by asking.

daisychain01 · 12/05/2024 07:35

Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 12/05/2024 07:37

I agree with not feigning interest in things that don’t appeal to you. What is the point?
Be yourself. You wouldn’t want to get with someone who turned out to be fake would you?
It is hard though, I understand the desire to meet someone.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/05/2024 14:18

JamSandle · 12/05/2024 00:16

Just be who you are :)

You don't need to change your fundamental personality.

I agree with be who you are.

A few years ago a friend/colleague, newly divorced asked a friend of hers to ask her along to social events. So she went along. She’s naturally quite flirty but also easy going. Her friend asked her if she liked anyone there and she said yes that one and turned out to be a man 7 years younger than her. I think it was a salsa event where you could dance. Anyway they’ve now been married a few years and have children but if she’d played down her personality it wouldn’t have been her.

Xenoi24 · 13/05/2024 14:25

I do not have a personality that appeals to many men.

I have, however, met several who've wanted a relationship and apparently fallen in love with me.

The world is full of different types of people who are attracted to different types of people. You sound lovely and would be appreciated very much by the right type of person for you. I don't think you should have to try to change yourself.

I mean don't ever be a door mat but, aside from that ....

People are also into very different types of looks, and you might just not be their looks type (I know I'm not plenty of men's .looks type either). You have to consider that too.

Xenoi24 · 13/05/2024 14:27

they want sexy, edge, bold and so on.

I actually find a lot of men to be turned off by and intimidated by sexy and bold.

They also tend to assume you're promiscuous, and that's a huge turn off for a lot of men when looking for a relationship partner.

3luckystars · 24/11/2024 14:54

I know this thread is from while ago but I’m just wondering how you are doing and I hope you didn’t change your personality at all.

i was watching a man talking about alcohol yesterday, saying when he drank, it was a ‘fake him’ then it took 5 days to return to the real him after the alcohol and then he would have another drink. So the real him was never around at all. If say there are a lot of people like that.

Anyway I hope the real you is happy x

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