Sister went through Mums phone

[LoveCherryTree]

So, my DM was babysitting for my DS and DM left her phone by accident at my DS’s house. My DS decided to put my DM’s passcode in and look through her messages, she found from 100’s of messages, spanning years, 1 thread from myself to my DM was not exactly what DS would want to read. In context, it was late, I had drunk a few glasses and I was upset with her and her husband and I was having a rant to my DM about it.
DS has read all of this and has now stopped my DM from seeing her Granddaughter and has blocked me from all communication, I managed to send an email to put the messages into context and apologise.
AIBU to think that everyone writes things to each other and no one would want everyone to see what’s written about them, my DS being one of those people and who is not the nicest person about others so find it all very hypocritical?
I find it especially hard that she has stopped my DM from seeing her Granddaughter and that my DS had the audacity to look at my DM’s messages?

How old are the messages?

Depends what the messages said really BUT she shouldn’t be in your mothers phone full stop.

Almost a year old.

I think it’s normal for your sister to be very angry and hurt.
The messages weren’t for her eyes but I assume they were pretty hurtful.
id give her some space and time to calm down and forgive.

This is the digital equivalent of eavesdroppers seldom hearing good things about themselves.

Along the lines of we’re always walking on eggshells around her and I’m fed up of it. I thought she was making a load of stuff up and she has a victim, me, me, me mentality!

I thought she was making a load of stuff up

Was she?
She shouldn't have gone through your mum's phone, she really has no right to be angry about things that were said about her but not to her when she's found out by snooping.

So now she is behaving in the exact way that your messages describe.
Just leave her to calm down. I'm sure that she will come around when she wants your DM to babysit or do something else for her.

Well she's proved you right if nothing else!

What has your mum said to her?

I'd have gone nuclear

I have a sister like this, and a similar thing has happened before. She is overly sensitive about any perceived criticism but did move past it. However now if I say anything to DM about her it is in person or on the phone. I'm sure you would find similar things said about you in their messages at some point, but you haven't invaded your DM privacy like she has. Your DM should be annoyed at her for that.

My DM picked up her phone and DS passed it to her and said she needs to change her passcode.
my DM is upset but mostly about her Granddaughter, she looked after her so much

Oh right. What are you apologising for. You are feeding her behaviour.

I apologised because at the moment she’s going through a bit of a tough time, having time off work but I do believe she’s not helping herself and wallowing in the past and self pity, she has a child now, she need me to grow up and move on. For 2 years it’s all been about how she feels and if she’s ok, although that’s been my whole life with her, walking on eggshells, I had too many to drink and had what I thought was a private rant!

Well if your mother does a lot of childcare, your sister will soon be asking her to look after her granddaughter.

Please make sure that your mother does change her passcode.

I had a horrible feeling one that my dm and 2 ds, particularly one of them, were not being up front with me. Its not something I would do normally but I checked dm phone and I was horrified what they had been saying about me and my children; clearly had no positive regard for me dispite it appearing that they did to my face, and I found out they were actively conning me about something that hurt me deeply but which in fact never happened. I am glad to know the lie of the land, I will never really trust them again. Life is actually better with them at arms length. I have not cut off contact with any of them, but I have the information filed in the back of my mind. I continue to be my true self and give zero foo ks if they like it or not now, I know what they’re like, in their petty judgements and games. If everyone was just honest with each other and not trying to protect the feelings of others, the world would be a better place. It is a fact that women are bitches but I n ed people close to me who are actually on my side not traitors.

Who is the granddaughter the grandmother is not allowed to see? Has your sister decided that your mother cannot see her child (ie she has gone in a strop with both of you), or has your sister banned your mother from talking you you and your daughter (ie she’s not seeing you herself and doesn’t want your mum to do so either).

This wasn’t anything like that, we weren’t conning her, we were just having a one time rant which if my DM had ever seen my DS’s messages about her she would be horrified, it’s all very much pot, kettle in this situation!

My DS has stopped contact with DM and her granddaughter

Listeners never hear any good of themselves. That's basically what she's done. You'll all have to live with the consequences. All you can do is give her time, but she's at fault here.

Did you tell them you knew?

I’ll guarantee as soon as she wants a babysitter again she will change her mind. I’d be fuming with her going through my phone, I wouldn’t have apologised as she’s showing she lives up to what you said about her. I’d also suggest perhaps you can send some rants she’s had about your mum over to her and see how that feels - pot and kettle.

Was your mum agreeing with you? If yes that's harsh to read.

My dds sometimes moan to me but never in message and I rarely agree. I try to stay neutral. But I wouldn't say anything i couldn't say to their face

No of course not!!