Annoyed at DH messiness

[lamppsa]

So in his absolute defence, he does have brutal hours ( self employed ). But I still think he could do the bare minimum.

He works 5 ( sometimes 6 ) days a week running his own place in hospitality. So he's out from 5:30 am to 8:39-9 pm.

However, the bedroom and our en suite is always an absolute bomb site. Clothes everywhere, coat hangers everywhere. The sheets are always off the bed and the whole bed needs to be remade pretty much daily because he manages to mess it up. Towels on the floor in the bathroom / bedroom. Underwear and socks on the floor. Clothes everywhere so I don't know what's clean and what's not clean. It's a bomb site.

I know he's got a hard job, but this stuff is basic looking after yourself. It's not up to someone else to do that for you.

I of course do all the laundry and other housework.

We have two small kids, so it's a lot.

Until recently I was also working full time but had a breakdown, as it was just all too much. So I'm having some time out to recover. I plan to go back in a few months.

In any case, if I broach the subject, it gets out of hand quickly and we argue. Apparently I nag. He has a lot on his plate and is gone all the time and does all he can do.

Of course all cooking/ meals / tidying also is on me. It was exactly the same when I worked full time anyway.

I know now that I'm off work, I'll do even more and I don't complain, but at least put your fucking underwear in the basket.

Buy a hamper anything that's his shove in the hamper for him to sort. Dirty clean whatever. If he wants you to wash his clothes they need to go in the wash basket. If he complains accuse him of nagging.

Wet towels I'd pick up and wash as you need them too. Bed id make your side and throw the quilt over his side so it looks done. He can make it or sleep on it like that.

I had a similar situation to you and I had a breakdown down. I took two years off work. I did the kids plus housework and dh worked. He occasionally leaves clothes on the floor I shove them in his wardrobe. He thankfully doesn't do the other stuff. He does sometimes put pots on side rather than dishwasher which annoys me. He does help at weekends tho.

I went back to work when youngest went to school. I worked 10 hours a week, ds is 8 now and I work 14 hours. I won't work full time while ds is young as everything falls to me. I manage the house and dh pays the bills. I am treated with equal respect in our household. I wouldn't have it any other way.

If he was single, he'd have to sort laundry, so he should be doing that. I think that when you are in a position of being a single parent, as you are, it's tough to work full time. As suggested, washing baskets and perhaps a storage basket for hangers is the way to go. These hours aren't sustainable. My DH did similar and his brother said to him that our children would grow up asking who the man was who used to walk in and out of the house.

You can work long hours and still put things away as you go along, you don’t need to drop things on the floor.

Funny how men who act like teenagers call their partner a nag. Asking a grown man to do his share isn’t nagging and you shouldn’t have to do it.

Men always easily fall back in to the “it’s women’s work” attitude

I hope he's making good money, with those hours! It does sound like a brutal schedule and not ideal for anyone, much less a married man with children. If he's bringing in enough money to afford it and you're satisfied to work fewer hours to give you more time to handle things at home, I'd do that. Otherwise, he needs to consider changing his job so all the home and child care doesn't fall to you alone.

I can forgive a certain degree of messiness, though it is tiring and annoying when you're the 'tidy" person in a relationship. The the accusation that you're nagging is what I'd find worse. He doesn't seem to appreciate all you do for the family and that it's perfectly normal to not want to live surrounded by chaos.

DH isn't always the best about putting his laundry in the hamper on a daily basis, and I got tired of trying to guess which things he thought were dirty or clean. We agreed that at least once a week he'd do a sweep of the bedroom and bathroom, put anything he wanted washed in the hamper, and tidy the remainder. He still misses the occasional pair of socks, but it's much more manageable this way.