Help me stop weight obsessed person commenting to children about weight

[dontsaythatpls]

Not the best title sorry.

Member of the family has always been obsessed with commenting on peoples weight, mostly only when weight has been put on and less so when weight has been lost.

Comments can range from a suttle isn't weight gain difficult as you get older to some of the menopausal side of the family, to not so suttle wait until in a big group to loudly announce how they notice (insert whoever it is here) has put on weight. It's always been annoying and they are supposed to be a respected older person in the family although they have been like it for decades so not sure why I mentioned age as that has no bearing, I think it's more about how to approach without making it a big deal, given that I am a shrinking violet.

The only reason why I now want to address it and stop it is because my child has become the focus with a comment recently when their tummy was showing of oh you're filling out a bit ... or something along those lines. I responded at the time that their is nothing too them. As there really isn't but I want to bring it up again and state that I didn't think it was appropriate to say and that I want to request they do not comment on the children's body again.

They are teenage and get enough outside influences without family possibly also impacting their self worth / weight / body image issues. They don't have this at the moment by the way I just don't want it to become a thing.

Am I being over protective and could this come across as mean if I raise it?

How is the most diplomatic way of saying it without causing a scene.
Thanks

If it’s that ingrained in them, I don’t think you’ll be able to do this delicately, unless you’re willing to give them a hug hello then pull back and say ‘ooh Barbara, you’ve been at the biscuits recently, haven’t you?!’ And if they get upset or look surprised, say ‘no offence meant, I thought you were fine with pointing out weight gains because you do it to everyone else. I’m sorry, is it not ok now?’

I think you either have the option of waiting until they say something else, then saying ‘Stop it. We’ve tolerated your comments about our weight for years because we love and otherwise respect you, but you are not going to pass on your issues to our children. That’s where the line is drawn and if you cross it, you won’t be seeing them again’. And make sure your DC know that she says these things to everyone because she has issues with weight and it has nothing to do with their appearance.

@Whothefuckdoesthat

🤣🤣🤣 Love the first option! Got a great aunt who may end up being on a receiving end of this 🤭

I had this problem with a parent commenting on my five year old, similarly they comment on others' weight, it's awful. As they actually used to weigh me each morning as a child and have me plot it on a graph alongside writing down everything I ate each day I was in no mood to see this start with my child. I'm afraid there's no polite way to bring that up with someone like that, they don't see anything wrong with it. I told them to stop body shaming a five year old and, when directed at a teenage relative, I blurted out "what the hell are you doing saying things like that to a teenage girl?!" Insanely rude behaviour and is not to be tolerated.

Sometimes it's ok to cause a scene.
This is one of those times.

Your relative's feelings are not more important than your teenager's and if your relative wants to pout about being told to stop making personal comments then that's their choice.

I'd speak privately and tell them bluntly to stop it

How they react to that is their problem and if they involve other people then you tell them that you are not willing to chuck your kid under the bus like everyone else has been and it's about time this person was told to wind their neck in.

Sorry, you have to be blunt.

"My children are healthy and there are no problems with hiw they look. Please do not comment on this issue or I will have to seriously reconsider how often we see each other".

I say this as someone who grew up with parents who were overly critical of my weight and I've suffered a lot of self image problems throughout my life.

Totally agree

Me too @MinistryOfTragic weighed every day and punished for being overweight.

ironically I was also forced to eat everything put in front of me ‘starving children in Africa wouldn’t be ungrateful and waste food’

Yes, I was subjected to this as a child from older children. It probably played a part in me developing BDD in my teens. But an older person should know better. These weight-obsessed people are almost always avoiding their own issues and projecting onto others. I would be very blunt, OP.

I think you need to call them out on it, people like this won’t stop otherwise.

Don’t concern yourself with not hurting their feelings, they’ve paid no concern to your child’s feelings (or anyone else they’ve commented on over the years!)

@ParrotPirouette I'm really sorry to see that we have that shared experience. It was all tied into them wanting me to "be healthy", but I developed an eating disorder from it, which I suffered with for about 20 years from the age of 17. I can't bear to hear comments like that to anyone, but it's worse with younger people. I hope you didn't suffer any lasting effects from it that, though it's clearly ingrained in your memory and these things are never without some long term effects.

You could go another way and have a talk with the teenager instead, explaining how miserable and dysfunctional the older person is.
I was the child in this situation and I think it helped me see the weight obsession for what it is and also not to take seriously any weight comments from others in the future - it’s not about my weight, it’s about their own struggles.