I'm not sure if it's just the pregnancy (currently 29 weeks pregnant), but I just feel terrible and miserable all the time.
Today is my birthday, and as in the past few years, nobody has remembered, well, I received a happy birthday message from my mother, that's all. I know this sounds like such an irrelevant complaint, but I feel like every single one of these small ''things'' has filled up a glass, and now I just can't or don't want them anymore.
I'm the kind of person who sends a message at 00:00 when it's my loved one's birthday and calls the day after, I think it's just so nice to feel that people remember you, that they care enough to save a tiny bit of their time to write a message, and to remember your birthday. Again, I know this is irrelevant, and just my expectations, but it just makes me so sad.
I feel my life has fallen apart in the last 6 months, I am originally from a very poor country, but I have always worked, That has been my main focus since I left my country, to work as much as possible and create a better future for myself, I started working as a waitress, then moved to the hotel business, and after almost 15 years, I found a well-paid job. I felt so happy when I got hired, I felt that all the nightshifts were worth it, that all those 12/14 hours shifts for 7,50 per hour were finally paying back, Now it was my turn to be stable, but no, the software company where I worked decided to let go of more than 15% of their staff, including me, of course. I desperately tried to find another job, but I guess it was Christmas, or whatever reason, I couldn't, and then I was too pregnant to hide it, and I would feel horrible starting a new job, not mentioning that I am pregnant.
During these 15 years, I managed to save some money (like 15K), even if it's very little, For a person who comes from nothing, it's a lot, especially since I have worked as a waitress and receptionist all my life, living by myself and paying rent that was always 70% of my earnings. Two months ago, I received a letter from the government saying that they had made a recalculation on how much tax I paid and how much social help I got during the last 15 years, This ended up in me paying a $13,000 fine. (Just wanted to clarify, my salary was never higher than 1600, and living alone and paying rent was never lower than 1200, With all the extra costs, it was not like I was taking advantage of social benefits/help)
I feel like a failure, my boyfriend does not even know that I have 20E in my bank account, and I don't want to tell him, I don't want him to feel like he needs to give me anything (besides, he is already paying for everything, including my phone, groceries, etc.) I have never asked for money from anyone, and I don't want to do that now, I was always so independent and always managed to get over things, but Now i am just miserably fixing my broken bras (pregnancy, of course, nothing fits, and since I don't have anything else I continue wearing them until they just break) But I don't care about not having clothes, it's for few months, and i will survive, but it just breaks my heart not being able to go and buy all these nice baby clothes and toys for my baby.
I feel so alone, especially today, I don't know why for once, I thought maybe my friends would call me for my birthday. Like, if i just wanted to torture myself, you know, it did not happen the last years, why would it change now?
Since my boyfriend works and I am useless at home, i try to take care of the house as much as I can, but i feel like am a retarded most of the time, We have 3 glasses, thanks to myself, somehow I managed to break 2 today and one of my favorite mugs. Somehow everything I cook tastes terrible, and i keep burning things, as if my brain was blank all the time and I couldn't even focus on the food that I'm cooking.
It makes me feel so horrible that my boyfriend arrives from work and all he does is eat whatever snack i made for him and watch tv, paying no attention to me, even when i ask him how work was. I count the hours until he arrives, I feel so alone, and then is he watching tv, me sitting near him watching tv without watching and holding my tears.
I feel so alone every night that i sleep alone, (When I sleep, because normally i cannot sleep, I'm so uncomfortable that I just sleep 2 or 3 hours per night) my boyfriend prefers to sleep on the couch so that he can watch TV, or maybe because I never stop moving and i wake him up a million times.
I just feel like I don't want to be here, nor pregnant, I don't want to be anywhere, and at the same time, i feel disgusted for feeling that way, Waking up is horrible, the mornings are terrible, normally, I fight with my tears while I try to put some makeup on, especially during the weekends, my boyfriend is off, and that means that I have to pretend to be fine the entire day.
Sorry again for all the pessimism, and the complaints. I know my problems are very small compared to others, at least I have a house and a boyfriend who tries to take care of me, I am pretty sure that he notices that I spend most of the day crying, it must be hard to live with someone who cries for everything.