Partners ex wife and boyfriend keep slagging us off to the children

[ThatProudCat]

Hello,
i am looking for some advice really on how to handle this situation. My partners ex wife had an affair 3 years ago and is now with the guy who she had an affair with. I have tried to have a stable relationship with the mother for the children’s sake but it’s safe to say it’s never worked out.
Lately the children have been coming round saying that their mum and her partner have been talking about me and daddy and have said some not very nice things. The children are 6 and 9. It’s starting to upset them and they have told us that they don’t like it when they say things about us, that they don’t like their step dad and have kicked off about going back to mummies.
I am very close to the children and have an amazing bond with them and it breaks my heart to think that their mother and her partner are trying to destroy that.
We have had this conversation before with them and was basically told that the children have said the same to them (but we never talk about their mother or her partner in front of the children and to be honest the children aren’t the type to make up lies so I think it’s being said in return to reflect it away from them) and whenever we ask her about things it ends up with her going mad and then we get threatened.
I am really at a loss as to what to do now as we have explained to the children these things aren’t true and they know they aren’t but we don’t know how to approach it with their mother and partner.
Any advice would be great and thanks in advance.

I think model being unconcerned about what is said (even if you find it infuriating and upsetting). And act like you think she must have the wrong end of the stick, gosh well that's not true, she must have got me confused with someone else/ hmm I wonder why she thinks that haha, it's obviously not ture. Try and depersonalise it "I never really bother myself about what people say when I'm not there".If the children find it worrying say, we'll I know it's not true and you know it's not true and your dad knows it's not true, so that's all that matters to me. You are essentially trying to model brushing it off and refocusing on your relationship with the children by not letting the ex into the discussion in a meaningful way

To the dcs you just say

'It doesn't matter what other people say about us. You know that's not true and I know that's not true so don't take any notice'.

Act totally unconcerned, and just move on to more cheerful subjects. Make it clear to the dcs that you couldn't care less what people say, and then they will worry less.

I don’t agree with acting unconcerned by the comments, if the kids feel upset by what is said and have communicated that, this feels like you’re dismissing them. Surely it would make sense to acknowledge the comments, and just say “What an unkind thing to say, just don’t listen when they talk about your dad and me, etc”

Be careful the chances they are also saying it back the other way is quite high, don't ask why the kids do it but they do. Our teens did that going between the 2 families saying bad to both but luckily we all got together and nipped it in the bud and found out why they were doing it. Luckily it didn't last long before we worked out it was the actual kids saying negative stuff and not the adults and sorted a solution and now things have been fine again for the last year or so

My kids have done that too.
It's their way of communicating distress about their situation. So you need to take note of it but not in the take it literally way you are doing.
Don't tell them off for lying. But you need to work out if they need reassurance, are just sad, feel guilt etc etc etc.
You're on the wrong path atm

Don't make a big deal, comfort and reassure the kids. Don't say anything that could accidentally be repeated back as that could make the situation worse.

My ex slated me to our kids. I never made a fuss never retaliated (obviously I ask him to stop but he ignored me)

I'm very close to my girls (now adults) we socialise together a lot as well as doing family stuff.
They realised what their dad was in their teens (again I never slated him just supported them.) they see him a few times a year and don't really have a relationship with him.

You reap what you sow.

Can I politely just add that I do always speak to them about their feelings as I would hate for them to feel worried, sad, upset etc.
They are both still quite confused about the whole break up situation. They have asked many times why mummy and daddy aren’t together and we always reassure them that it was the best thing for everyone and mummy and daddy are happier now.
It’s correct they may well be doing the same to their mum and I wish that the relationship between us all was good enough to talk about this but unfortunately it is always taken the wrong way.
The children do tend to go into a lot of detail when they mention the comments including facial expressions etc so I’d like to think it’s not porky pies.
We would never dismiss their feelings, my feelings were dismissed when I was their age and it’s hurtful and I would never want them to feel that way.
I do tend to leave it to dad when it comes to replying to them types of comments as it upsets me, I don’t have children of my own and I try to do my best for the children and always feel like it’s judged and commented on and we then receive comments in return such as “you’re not their mum, you aren’t the boss” etc which is all relayed to us via the children.
Behind closed doors they can say what they like about me and their dad but I just think it’s wrong to say things to and in front of the children and as I mentioned am not sure how to approach this without risking an argument (the arguments just get tiring over time and to be honest I’m not the type of person that likes drama).

When my ex left my 12 year old daughter stopped wanting to see me, my son was with me and he said when he came home that mum had been saying nasty stuff about me and she has told him not to say anything to me.
He always told me and asked me not to say anything to his mum as it would upset her that he told me.
After a while my daughter started talking to me again and then asked if she could move back home, the ex obviously wasn't happy but my daughter still moved home, after a while my son wanted to stop going to his mums as he was always bored and she upset him, after a few years my daughter met someone and moved in with them when she was 19, a year after she moved out she came to me and said she was sorry, I asked her what for and she said for when she didn't speak to me because mum had told her all of this nasty stuff about me and she found out it was all lies and she hated me and it wasn't my fault at all, I told her it was okay and she got upset saying she should have trusted her dad more and spoken to me about it, I said it wasn't her fault and that I love her for telling me and things have just kept getting better with her.
The children being 6 and 9 are old enough to know what they want, if they do not want to see their mum anymore then I wouldn't force them, I did this with my son and i told my ex that it was his choice, she then agreed to phone him on certain days at a certain time, he is autistic and he used to watch the clock to see when she would call, sometimes she would call an hour late, sometimes it was gone midnight she phoned him, I told her it was out of order to keep doing that to him and to not ca him that late again.
It was then agreed that she would phone him less and if she didn't phone when she should then she left it until the next time, calls started coming more on time and he was happy, when I asked about speaking to her on more days he said no he was fine with as it was, I often asked if he was going to see his mum and he always said he wasn't ready, I offered to take him and pick him up when he wanted to leave but he said no he didn't want to, I left it to him to make his mind up, I used to speak to my ex then and I still tried hard to give her ideas of how to speak to him on the phone and ways to see him, she tried them sometimes but then she got bored, after a while son decided to talk to her on other nights and then he said he was going out to see her, he did this because he was allowed to choose and wasn't forced. I think giving them the power to do.what they want will make them feel better and not forced.

Sorry wrong thread