Blenddd family awkward situation

[Awksitu]

So we are on a mini break, me and my kids and DP and his kids.

one of his has an almost teen who’s behaviour is absolutely disgraceful.

knows no boundaries, coughed in her dads face, doesn’t tidy up after herself, tried to light a fucking fire with a lighter and got told off by another adult thankfully, and I’m sure she mouthed fuck off to me. To which she’s had the benefit of the doubt because absolutely will not tolerate that.

she’s just absolutely ruined sleeping arrangements once again and really disturbed my two.

how do I handle this? I really want to go home tomorrow but isn’t fair on my two. What do I do??

my DP is perfect, treats me with utmost respect. Doesn’t seem to parent as proactively as I do…. And I’m by no means a helicopter parent….

im really biting my tongue today….

Your DH needs to spend some quality time 1:1 with her daily so she feels less insecure about the set up.

If you had a sufficiently established relationship with his children to justify a holiday together, then you would be familiar with the behavior issues and have a sense of how to deal with them. Instead, the behavior seems to be a surprise.

So it seems likely that dad has brought his children on this trip before they were ready. I would recommend splintering off into two groups and focusing on your own children for the duration of the holiday. Then going forward slow way down and stop trying to jump into situations the children aren’t ready for.

Ever all been together over 2 years now. And it’s relatively new behaviour.

We went away a few times before and been fine. But did see these issues creeping in I suppose in hindsight.

It’s not fair on yours to continue having a shit time because of her (and her dad’s inability/refusal to deal with her) either. If it’s really stressing you out then definitely leave early.

And what about his other kid(s)? They see her getting rewarded for unpleasant and dangerous behaviour with special dad time. Can’t see that putting her off doing more of it.

I’m sure she mouthed fuck off to me. To which she’s had the benefit of the doubt because absolutely will not tolerate that.

But you’re sure she did it, so actually you are tolerating it.

It’s hard to tell whether this is within the realms of “normal” (though not typical) bad behaviour - and whether your boyfriend not being proactive means he’s less so than you, or actually a pathetic wet lettuce. If it’s the latter, I’d do your own thing then not go away together until this phase is parented out. I’d put my foot down immediately about the sleeping arrangements. I also would tell her that mouthing fuck off at you is unacceptable- you know what you saw so don’t tolerate it. Even if you choose not to do anything about - at least call her out on it.

How old are your kids? I’d be tempted to take them off and do your own thing with them
tomorrow- you and your kids, and if any of the other kids would rather come with you then let them. Let him deal with the stroppy pre-teen!

Ask you dc what they want to do.

They can decide if they prefer to stay and cope with the behaviour.

Never book a joint holiday again, assume you don't live together.

Go away with your dc with friends or alone then with your partner when dc with their dad ( if that's an option )

I think there’s some huge issues with the mum with lack of discipline and boundaries tbh. But of a drip feed I guess. They’re all really lovely and sweet this morning and now I feel bad for slagging her off in here.

but, I’ll not tolerate adverse behaviour x

Always the mums fault yeah? Not the dad who is with her and allowing this behaviour because, as you said, doesn't parent proactively.

She's a preteen, they are horrendous. Hormones all over the place, attitude for miles. Get your DP to parent her and ignore or if you are planning a future with him, have a discussion with your DP and form a united front.

I say this as a stepparent that has been through the horrendous teenage phase but come out the other end with a wonderful relationship with them. Because there DF and I were on the same page.

If it is new behaviour it could be a reaction to something going on that they are angry about. School, friendship issues?

You say nearly a teen and sleeping arrangements, were they not given privacy? Treated the same as younger children etc? Puberty and lack of acknowledgement of need for privacy could make them feel unseen?

Whilst the behaviour isn't acceptable sometimes it is something going on even unconsciously. Hopefully it is a blip.

I hear you all and agree. Especially the last two comments. Thank you

she’s just absolutely ruined sleeping arrangements once again and really disturbed my two.
In what way did she do this?

It sounds like she’s upset about spending more of her already limited time with dad with you and your kids.

Try to approach it with a bit more understanding. Something is triggering the changes in her behaviour.

Suggest DP and his kids go for a day out by themselves?

Wouldn’t you parent your children differently depending on what they need? If they see their sibling struggling, they will want to see their parent supporting them.

You should always feel bad for slagging off a child.

There’s not much you can do. It’s not your place to discipline this child so you either put up with it or leave. If you don’t like the way your partner parents, you are doing nothing but create trouble for everyone if you try and force this blended relationship to work.

A telling off for being rude is parenting. Treating them to something the others aren't getting is feeding her bad behaviour surely? And not parenting..
My ds went nc with his df for a long time for his lack of parenting. Choosing instead to live at the place that had rules and boundaries.. His own words.. He was 14..
Potentially ruining a holiday for others isn't reward worthy...

Talk to do about discipline and ground rules which all kids adhere to , and enforce them.

I think I'm missing something here. She coughed in her dad's face. Yep a bit rude but hardly pushing the boundaries of awfulness.
She lit a fire with a lighter? Is this a fire that just needed lighting or set fire to something? If the latter then yes v serious. If the former not sure again the problem.
She was grumpy when being told off. Doesn't tidy. Inconsiderate. Yes welcome to teens.
She is a hormonal teen who is clearly unhappy. I'm not sure if DH has tried talking to her. Maybe something going on elsewhere. This could be a cry for attention. It could be that she's resentful about something. Who knows.
Maybe I'm not understanding how bad it is properly, but this is behaviour I've had from my kids from time to time

I was a pre teen with divorced parents. I don't think people think about it from the children's perspective enough. Divorce, new partners, their kids, joined holidays. Yes it's life and we all have to adapt, people can't and don't want to stay single till their kids have left home, but honestly, as a kid sometimes you just wish it would all just fuck off. It's tedious, managing all the emotions and relationships, it's too much going on. You just want a "normal" life. And yet you are just expected to adapt and accept everything that's thrown at you. Sometimes you do want to tell everyone to fuck off. And maybe parents let you away with stuff to compensate for the change and upheaval so boundaries are pushed. I don't really have any answers, it's hard. But I do wish people would see there might be kid who is struggling.