Running out of patience with my husband

[SarahBailey98]

Would you be upset if your BIL and SIL are nice and chatty towards everyone else except you? I have been nothing but nice. I get it, they do not like nor are they fans of me for whatever reason, but when we are together with my hubby and his brother and wife they do not chat to me nor they ask me anything. They just chat with my husband, acknowledge him and I am like an outsider. It has been like this for over two years. Whenever they've come to our house they treat me like an outsider in my own home.
His wife is incredibly rude, mocking whatever myself and my husband are doing or watching. My husband is not bothered at all.

I gave up and I explained to my husband that I no longer want to see them. My husband is always making excuses for them. He spoke with them but they did not change and this is where I explained to my hubby I do not want to interact with them. I will be happier mentally when I just don't see them at all.

Now my husband is so upset with me because I no longer want to see them or interact. He is so obsessed over them that it feels I am nobody and they are everything in his life. My husband was crying because he is so upset that I no longer want to see them and apparently I will ruin the family. His family will stop talking or choose sides because of me.

I never did anything wrong. I gave them plenty of time and chances. And now it's my fault because I decided to stand up for myself. I never asked him to give up on his brother, but he is telling me because I don't want to see them for lets say a few months or a year I will create problems in their life and apparently his parents will start picking sides. I said let it be.
It creates a lot of issues in our marriage and my sister and friend think he is putting them first and has been allowing this to go on for so long. We are moving miles away to another continent and they now want to come and stay in our home. But they always mocked me, never bothered to create a relationship with me and I'm strongly against them staying in my house. When I am around these people I get terrible feelings, it's like my heart is telling me to keep them away from myself because they are not the nicest people.

They are nice to my husband and treat him very well and I am an outsider even in my own house.

like this from the get go?

how long have you been with your husband ?

how often do they come over? and just for a cup of tea and chat? or dinner?

He helped cause the problem. He can deal with the fall out of you choosing to avoid people who treat you badly.

What's his explanation for crying over you developing boundaries but not at these people mocking you?

Are you sure you want to move continents with a man who is happy for you to be bullied?
(If that's your full name and year of birth in your username it's very outing)

Do you know why they are like this with you? -you say that your DH talked to them about how you are feeling. Did they give him an explanation of why they don't like you/ why they are so rude to you?
Absolutely horrible for you, especially as your DH is enabling their behaviour towards you. He should be on your side and not accepting their behaviour towards you.

One of the most important things to have in a relationship, is a partner who has your back and will defend you. If you don't have this, then you have nothing really.
You are totally right to defend yourself and refuse to see rude, disrespectful people or to have them stay in your home.
My dh had a cousin like this - total bitch, ride and arrogant and didn't have a good word to say about me. I'd done nothing to her. I told my dh (boyfriend at the time) he could either maintain contact with her or he could be in a relationship with me, but he couldn't do both.

If a man won't choose you when you are the victim of unfair treatment, then sling him back in the sea and get a better man!

@Solidlump They have not said why they do not like me. They were pretty neutral about the conversation. And their only words were that they will change. Apparently they never asked me anything because when they wanted to know something about me, they would just ask my husband about me.

He is never standing up for me, but he will go in a war with me for them.

@circumventM it used to be every weekend and my husband used to see his brother at least 3x during the week for 1h or so. Sometimes it used to be dinner other teams tea.

@FineWordsButterNoParsnips his explanation for crying over is that I am running the family and I will break the family apart. Not my intention at all, because I tried my best. I was nothing but nice. Never said anything wrong to them, never did any harm to them, nothing. Now because I am standing for myself it seems that I am the worst person ever.

I have doubt's about moving continents too but on the other hand I feel like maybe things will change since we will be on two different continents and he will see them once a year. Maybe I am just too naïve.

'He is never standing up for me, but he will go in a war with me for them.'

That's all you need to know, then. This is who he is as a person. I couldn't love or respect such a person.

Sorry to call this out but is there a cultural/race/class dimension going on..??

Do they think he has married 'below'
Married someone the wrong colour ?
Wrong culture ?

All of which makes them nasty misogynist, racists snobs..

@NorthUtsireSouthUtsire no, nothing at all actually. If anything its my BIL who married someone different colour, culture etc.

Aha !, then is it her influencing him ??

Don’t agree to move with your husband.

i wouldnt take this disrespct either OP in your own home. Stick to your guns

Don't move continents with this man, and frankly I would consider if he's worth staying married to. What's the point of a husband who doesn't care if people treat you badly?

@Throckmorton according to my husband they are nice people.

That just confirms even more that he doesn't care. You are worth more than this.

I highly discourage you to not move continents with this man. He will not change and you will be isolated from all your friends and family..

Regarding moving continents - be very careful, I have done it with my DH. I live in a place with lots of British expats. Every single one will tell you that moving has placed an enormous pressure on their relationship. The rate of divorce is very high among expats.

DH and I have what I would describe as a great relationship with no major issues. But it's so stressful moving countries, jobs, losing all your support network etc. You have to really lean on each other.

Nothing changes when you move abroad. You are still the same people. And because of the extra stress, problems become magnified (especially family related ones!!).

Also, having family stay over is INCREDIBLY stressful. Because of our choice to move, we have to accommodate our families who come and stay with us for weeks at a time. I used to love DH's siblings but having them as house guests for 2-3 weeks at a time has actually damaged my view of them.

So be very careful. It's an expensive mistake if it doesn't work out.

Go low contact. So once every three months or so. Seems a good halfway house and you can see how that feels.

How do you and his parents get on?

*whoops, I encourage you to NOT move continents with this man.

@PieFaces I have a great relationship with his parents, no issues with them. They respect me and I respect them. The same goes for the younger BIL and his gf. No issues, lovely people.

Not sure if this will appear as an update, but I wanted to say thank you for your replies.

I have decided to go through divorce. I will never be as important as his brother and his sister in law and their bond. He allowed them to treat me like a doormat and they did. They wanted to have a relationship with him and never with me. I was always the outsider.

Well.. apparently now I am the controlling wife who is trying to ruin the whole family. I need therapy because of my controlling behavior. All because I do not allow these people to treat me like a doormat. Apparently I am a terrible person for trying to keep my husband away from them (this was never the case).
I wanted all of us to have a relationship. I only said it;s not acceptable that they are still trying to have a relationship with him and not me. I am hurt. I am not garbage. So now I am the most terrible person, I am the devil.

We were ready to move overseas next month. Bare in mind I gave my career on him due to not being able to have a job over there in my respective career. And he was never able to stand for me for these people.

He never stood up for me and he never will. During Xmas he left me alone at home so he can go celebrate Xmas with them. Secretly he bought tickets to go outside of the country on holidays with them and told me a day before leaving. So many of these things. He never had the slightest respect for me. It still hurts.

I think that's the right, and brave decision, but I'm so sorry it's come to this and that your husband is so rubbish. Well done on valuing yourself - onwards and upwards, and hopefully this will be the first step towards a life where the people you care about all value you as you do them. Unmumsnetty hugs