Relocation when might not suit rest of family

[Stero]

I'd always planned on working and living abroad, which I did briefly in my 20s but ended up living for the last 20 years in the city I was born in.

Now my children are grown up, we had planned to relocate to another part of the UK. DH is happy to do this and we've spent the last couple of years planning and preparing for this. However now I don't know if it is the right thing to do.

DH was WFH with occasionally work trips to other parts of the UK. This would have fitted with our plans. Now his job has changed and he is working part of the week in a fixed location, further from where we planned to move. I don't want to move nearer to his work, and he doesn't see himself there long term, but it is difficult to know how that will turn out.

DD is 18 and has decided to go to Uni in our home city. She would like to live at home, but understands we had plans to move. DS has a job in another part of the country, but had also talked about moving back home at some point. They would both always have a home with us, wherever we were.

Am I being selfish trying to pursue my long term goal at this point? I feel like I've already spent years trapped somewhere OK but not where I want to be. I've been unable to work for a few years owing to poor mental health. No close family nearby in either place.

If you aren’t working, you have to prioritize your husband’s career. The new location would make his job harder so it should be tabled for now.

Honestly - I’d park the idea for 18 months. You’ll have a better idea of your DH’s work requirements and your DD will be settled at university. You don’t have to give up on your dreams, but maybe accept they need to be deferred for a while?

I would give it a twelve month delay to sort out the work situation, but move sooner if something comes up work wise for DH.

Make it clear to DD she can love at home unless you move, and try to put some money aside to help her into private rented if needed. Make it clear she has to rent from Sept 2025. Same to DS.

In the next year and a bit focus on
A. Finding the right place - lots of visits and trips to places you might like
B. Getting your health in max condition
C. Clearing the house so you can move with minimum fuss. What doesn't need to move with you?

Thanks for your thoughts. I think the problem is I've already put my plans on hold for 2 years, as I really wanted to move years ago but waited until my children had finished school / college. I've spent that time decluttering, getting the house looking nice, selling things on ebay, and looking into areas. I'm now ready!

I agree really that it makes most sense to wait a year, and had stopped looking. But then made the mistake of browsing and found the perfect property. At a price we could sell our house for.

I feel like I've put my life on hold for the best part of 20 years, after having children, looking after older relatives and dealing with my own health issues. I know want to start living and am stuck somewhere I don't want to be, for the indefinite future.

On career / money POV, I've contributed much more than DH over the years. I've also sadly inherited some money, which has gone towards paying for DS' university rent and I would do the same for DD.

Can you move to a small apartment in your desired location but maintain your current home.
We did that for many years.

If your mental health is so bad you can't work, I don't see how you can move house, which is a lot of stress and upheaval. I don't think this is realistic. And it is clearly a problem to both your husband and your daughter.

Honestly your husbands work takes priority here imo. It’s not a good time

Where is it you want to move.
On paper of your DH is ok with it then fine, but he is the one supporting the family so in the end he is the one who should prioritised. And if you want to prioritise you then that isn’t what a marriage is about. In which case tell him and do a sojourn yourself somewhere abroad. And then come back.

I do get it as you feel you’ve put your life on hold, but in the end that was your choice.
I did the opposite and travelled, work abroad and moved my family and now I’m stuck because their life is here and I can’t come to UK. But that is ok as I made that choice for them in the first place.

What's the travel time difference for DH if you do move? Are we talking an extra hour twice a week, or having to get on a plane or what?

It's not the same thing at all. Moving house is a one off event. Sure it will be stressful but I can deal with alongside my husband. Work is a different kind of pressure and one I have to deal with on my own.

Not that this is really necessary information, but 90% of the house was paid for by me. We had a mortgage free house from when I was 30, because of my earnings and investments. That was without any financial support from family. I've also contributed financially by paying off DH's loans when we first got together. Do you really think I should have little say in our joint life decisions because at this point in time, it is DH who is currently the main earner?

DH commute would go from just over an hour, to 2-2.5 hours. He is aiming to switch to doing 2 consecutive days in the office, and would stay in a hotel for the night in between. So he would be away 1 night a week, but his overall commute would be about the same. We can afford this in our budget, and if he stays there long term would probably look at a small investment property there.

I’m wondering if you’re building up this move and it will end up a disappointment ? Saying you’ve put your life on hold for the last 20 years ? What are you going to do in this new location that you can’t do where you live now ?

I think that's a fair point, and one I have considered. I don't expect living somewhere else to remove all of our issues, but we (DH and me) are both looking forward to a change of scene. I have a few friends who live nearby, and there is a club to do my hobby.

We moved to a nice suburb 20 years ago, in order to be able to minimise our commute to the nearest city when DC were young. Now DH is commuting part of the week to a different city, DC are (almost) grown up and have their own priorities. But I hope I'm realistic that there always be problems we have to deal with, and I have had (and am still having) therapy to help me deal with some of my issues. A smaller house in a more peaceful location would be nice in many ways and hopefully help us be outdoors more, which is good for both mental and physical health, albeit limited by UK weather!

I fear that this longed-for move is bound to disappoint you OP. You sound very much as if you've been pinning all your hopes and dreams on it for years and that's a lot of pressure.

Are you being selfish? It's hard to say, but I think you might be. Is your DH really on board with moving imminently when it's going to make his working life harder? Does he agree that this is the perfect house that you've found, or is he more cautious? I don't think I'd (in effect) kick my 18-year-old out of home just so I could rush to move to X dream location when really there's no hurry other than my own impatience. Can you really not wait a bit longer and let your DH's job play out one way or the other and your DD find her feet at uni? You do come across as rather unreasonable, I'm afraid.

I don't understand why you're getting so many responses telling you to put up and shut up! You've already lived in your current house for 20 years, contributed hugely to family finances, got your partner's agreement and your children are at university. What more do you need to do??

If you want to do it, you absolutely should go for it! Obviously it makes sense to moderate your expectations but living near nature in a place you've always wanted to could make a real difference to your quality of life.

Sorry, I've been away and didn't see your update. Given the commute is manageable, albeit with a hotel night, I dont see any reason why this move would be a problem wrt his work. Fair enough if he was doing five hours daily, that would have a significant impact on him, but with that arrangement then I'd say go for it.