To have a second child

[Ingrowncrotchhair]

I would love the thoughts of you lovely bunch/vipers. this is such a difficult decision to make.

I’m 37, have one DD, she’s almost 2yo.

I do want to have a second child, and for DD to have a sibling.

For lots of reasons, I didn’t get to invest in my career. Some are mental health related, my 20s were quite dysfunctional, there was substance abuse (which hasn’t been a problem for years) and low self-esteem/self worth. I have had lots of therapy, slowly improved my mental health and am doing much better, but it does feel like I am my lifelong project.

I now have a stable life and have some solid ideas about what to retrain in, which I hadn’t had before - everything seemed insurmountable before.

but having a second child would mean to put career development/satisfaction on hold. I could, of course, delay by a few years, but it’s something with a long pathway, and there’s my age. And would have to be done whilst working, and with 2 small children.

I also don’t know if starting again is something that won’t break me. Having a child is HARD (newsflash), 2 is harder, and I miss having more freedom to do certain things.

DD’s pregnancy was difficult. I developed perinatal OCD, I had treatment for it, but it’s still a struggle and very disturbing sometimes, even if much reduced from the point it got to when DD was a few months old.

I also nearly died giving birth to her, after developing some, freak, out of the blue life threatening cardiac problems during the EMCS, necessary because DD was very unwell too. It could have been so bad. Anything from highly disabled, brain damage, to death, were entirely possible outcomes both for DD and for me. Thank fuck and modern medicine, we’re both alive and well.
I have had the all clear but it would be a high risk pregnancy.

on the practical side, we’re in a good position - almost in a position to buy a house, and we would do it nearer family so would have a bit more support.
Our combined income is good (London is so expensive though).

DH is a loving, caring, involved partner and father, who does his fair share at home and is very supportive of my career aspirations.

DH is on the fence and can’t decide either. He lives with the trauma of almost losing us. He also wonders if starting again is the right choice.

I can’t decide. But am also aware that time is not on my side. Really, I would have to get pregnant by the end of the year.

Hi, I’m not feeling like I can vote either way, I think if you were not high risk if you fall pregnant again it would be a much easier answer to say yes have another if you want, I think for me it would boil down to if financially you would as a family suffer with a second child, but because of the high risk factor it’s so much harder. Who am I to tell you not to have another child, but at the same time, without knowing how high risk you are it’s hard to know how likely or unlikely you would leave your partner and child grieving partner, mum and the baby if the worst were to happen. I couldn’t bear the thoughts of leaving my children if I knew there was a risk (partner would be heartbroken and left to adjust to raising the kids alone while grieving too) this is how I feel about my own situation, but I don’t know the medical side of why you had complications and nearly died during childbirth.

im so very sorry you went through that, I can’t imagine how terrifying that would have been for you and your partner, I hope if you have another pregnancy that everything is ok for you all

You've answered this question yourself in your post. You say you want to have a second child. So you should try to have one.

Personally I think you’d be mad to consider it. You have a lovely family of three. Why roll the dice? Your risk of additional needs is higher; you already had a bad birth experience and could have another but have DD now to think of. Unless it’s a resounding yes, it’s a no.

This. Enjoy what you have, invest in your career, don’t put yourself in danger.

I developed a type of cardiac problem that occurs in response to stress - this could be physical or psychological. having it once doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have it again but it does mean a propensity to respond that way to stress is present.

we have a plan - agreed with cardiologist and obs/gyne - for another birth that would mitigate some of the risk; ELCS, at 38 weeks, under GA. But GA itself has its risks.
my heart is completely fine. It’s been looked at from every angle and way. But, then, there were no signs of cardiac risk during DD’s pregnancy, and then it happened, during the EMCS.
Seizure in front of DH.
Cardiac arrest. In a coma, whilst DD was in NICU.

I’m not sure how DH himself would cope with another birth, tbh (prob one of rare situations when how a man will cope with a birth is a legit question!)

Thank you ❤️

You are more than welcome

It’s a really hard decision. I’m also trying to weigh it up. I had a long fertility / miscarriage journey and then preeclampsia which made my blood pressure skyrocket for a long time. I feel guilt about not having a sibling for my daughter but think we’ve come to the conclusion that a healthy mother is more
important.

If you know your body can respond to stress like that do you really want to risk it?

If you have another and die, the child you already have will have to grow up without you, and so will the second, if it survives. Your husband will be a widower, and a single parent to (possibly) 2 children. In your shoes, I would not risk it.