all My adult life I had a feeling I was SA as a child. I remember it was my mums boyfriend and some things happened I would have been 4-5 my mum always denied this at the time and said I was confused or feeling bad
I just believed it. She used to leave me with him for a night shift.
now as an adult I know that my mum has her own mh difficulties however so do I one of them being extreme anxiety and sometimes intrusive thoughts so I convince myself iv made it up and it’s my anxiety
my mum is the sort of person however that would never admit if something was wrong and she has lied and covered up things about my childhood too such as family events and things about my dad.
I suspect she has a PD she struggles to see anything outside her own experience and always goes on about her own childhood and pain in which she was SA
i have one very vivid memory of something that happened that was very very inappropriate but not actual sex.
I also remember crying and telling my mum which is when she said it didn’t happen
Some of the other warning signs that I now recognise was that I masturbated a lot as a young child - which I didn’t realise was abnormal
another thing was I took to drink from 14 as soon as I had a drink it was like everything felt better I would drink stupid erupts amounts
I was very very promiscuous almost feeling like I had to sleep with anyone who shows me attention without even a consideration of whether I wanted to
but I shyed away from emotional intimacy and I can’t sustain a relationship, I can’t commit
I have also put on a lot of weight and although I worry about my health I do t want to lose weight. I used to feel dirty with the attention men gave. I don’t care about my looks at all anymore it’s like I’m outside of myself
I’m wondering if these are signs? I feel like I don’t know what’s happened and it’s eating me up and sadly my mum wouldn’t ever say the truth if it did happen . My mum was also very physically abisive when I was a kid so maybe that’s why I have poor mh rather than this