Nasty Comment Made About Me In Front of Step Kids

[BooksAndFootie]

I think I just need a bit of a vent.

Context:
Been with my partner coming up to 4 years. He has 2 DS (12 & 15). I have 2 DD (15 & 16). My DSSs stay with us 3 nights per week (according to their mother's shift patterns - we're happy to accommodate), and DP tops up childcare with maintenance payments to their mother and contributes to other expenses. He's a great dad.

DP has a complicated extended family as very few of them speak to each other - stemming from older generations - it's not DP at the centre of any family issues. It was his grandfather's funeral the other day, who he was not massively close to but he wanted us to go to pay our respects regardless of which other family members chose to go or not.

DSSs went to the funeral with their mother - this was not an issue. DP and I chatted with his DSs and their mother was close by.

However! A cousin of DP who I've never met pointedly remarked to DSS's mother (they are apparently friends) "I can't believe he's brought her!" referring to DP and me. This was said in front of DSSs and I was glared at by this cousin! DP didn't hear - I had to tell him afterwards. He was fuming that this remark was made in front of his DSs. His DS(12) is very sensitive and was awkward all afternoon - when I told DP what I'd heard he then put 2 and 2 together that it was because this silly, ignorant, rude woman had made a nasty comment about me, therefore normalising a negative attitude about me and I'm guessing, confusing the poor boy about how he should feel about me. It's taken years for him to warm to me - he's super close to his mother and hates doing or saying anything that he thinks might upset her (eg liking me).

I haven't addressed this further, but I'm worried about DSS as he was meant be with us last night and tonight but he's saying he doesn't feel well and wants to stay at his mother's house with his GM. I'm sure it's down to this negative comment.

AIBU by thinking this comment is poisonous an indication of how I'm perceived by partner's ex and her circle?

I don't really want this to go further - I just need to vent about it. Step parenting is tricky and I guess no matter how much positivity and effort you put into creating a stable and loving home, some people will always have you down as 'the evil stepmother'. It's extra hard hearing the shitty comments from someone I've never met! And realising that those people must refer to me so nastily in their conversations... in front of DSSs...? UGH!!!!!!!!!

Did you know his grandfather?

That's irrelevant. I have been to the funerals of family and friends I did not know in order to support my partner. It's a normal thing to do.

Sounds like the best thing to do is keep reinforcing the positives with your SC as its that relationship that matters. They are probably hyper sensitive to aggro if they hear it at home so just be the consistent, calm person for SC that's what matters. Some horrible people are around them.

Yes, I had met him a couple of times. But I was mainly there to support my DP otherwise he would have been going on his own - like I explained, his family is a collection of individuals/couples who don't really speak much... very awkward! There were only about 20 people there in total. Therefore these mean comments by this cousin were not easily absorbed by general chitter chatter.

It’s quite common to go to funerals of people you only know of, rather than personally knew. In many circles it’s about supporting the bereaved.

however is that really your only comment on the OPs situation?

OP, you say you chatted to your DSS mother, are you on good enough terms (or believe yourself to be) to suggest a coffee / cake in a park type of meet up with her, you and the boys to show that you get on (well enough) and DSS doesn’t need to worry about upsetting anyone?
you don’t need to address the actual comment itself and the ex may have felt just as uncomfortable about it but decided to just smile along or brush it off rather than saying anything at the funeral.

I'm not on bad or good terms with DSS mother - we have had face to face chats in the past, but I always instigate as I prefer to address things that way but she doesn't particularly like it. She's more of a 'brush it under the carpet' type. I don't think it's healthy for me to force direct communication with her when I know she's uncomfortable with it.

DP finds her tricky - since he left her (before I was on the scene) she does tend to shout him down and overrule his opinion on anything contentious.

I don't want to rock the boat here and make it 'about me' (even though I am feeling crappy about it).

I've asked DP to check in with his ex and make sure DSS is OK and potentially bring up the cousin's comment as reason for him choosing not to be at ours this week?

I understand. She was probably uncomfortable too with the comment.

even if she has been less than enthusiastic about you in private to the cousin, she probably wouldn’t have loved the cousin making such a public statement.

the cousin sounds like an embodiment of why most of that family are fractured.

Its not a nice thing to say, however its not the end of the world. Its a one off comment and I hear worse on a daily basis.

You definitely have the measure of the situation!

I think I'm just frustrated that there's nothing I can do/say to make amends with DSS when he's clearly feeling as though he must 'pick a side' - when there are no sides! And to him, it's probably not even a conscious decision it's just a feeling.

Hopefully he'll happily come back to ours next time DSSs are scheduled to be with us.

Oh I'm not too sensitive about being talked about like that personally, it's that DSSs were there and it's obviously confused the 12 year old about how he's supposed to perceive me and DP.

Sorry you hear worse - hopefully not in front of children?

I dont think the comment or the person who made the comment is the issue here, its how sensitive your stepson is, if he's that easily poisoned against you and your relationship of several years then there is a bigger, deep rooted problem.

He's a lovely boy but yes, very sensitive and does have some additional needs around this (nothing too serious). Him and his mother are each other's support and he is fiercely defensive of her. Therefore, hearing this comment about me spoken directly to his mother - as if me and DP are somehow 'the enemy' (we're not) would definitely have an effect on him - confuse him at the very least.

He is very aware that his mother struggled deeply with the split with his dad, but I don't think she would intentionally speak negatively about DP/me to the kids?

I think this is one for your DP to work out with his Ex. It's not in her interests if her son doesn't want to come to yours, or is unhappy when he does and they should sit him down and explain that their separation has nothing to do with you in any way and what batshit cousin X said/implied is not true.

Yes, the separation might make his Mum unhappy from time to time, however it is not the case that if you disappeared they would be magically reconciled. etc etc. Up to your DP as to whether he feels his son is old enough to share reasons for their split.

Least said soonest mended in this instance. No need to say anything more to anyone, your dp knows.