To feel like a failure in life?

couldhaver · 2024-05-09T01:33:39+00:00

I feel quite empty after turning 28 last month. I feel like life’s sparkle has gone and I’m not sure if this is due to age or my life. Aibu to feel like this? I work in the civil service on £40k, been in role for 2 years. The job isn’t fulfilling so I’m spending lots of time job hunting for my desired career path. I went to uni for 2 years in London and didn’t finish as my dad was unwell then passed away. I’m in a difficult position to return to university now as I need my income that I wouldn’t have as a student. But this is a massive source of why I feel like a failure. Plus I really miss London I rent in Bristol and initially it was my dream place (when I moved in 3 years ago) but honestly it’s small, anywhere larger is more expensive and I’m not going to buy a house soon as my bills are so high. I’m single and barely see my friends anymore as they’re busy/settled down. The only thing I really look forward to is a takeaway…and now I’ve put on weight! I used to be really fit and toned.

Toffifee1 · 09/05/2024 06:08

You may be feeling a bit down right now but you‘re an honest(i assume) tax payer, you looked after your dad, not a criminal, didn‘t hurt anybody(again assuming).. you‘re not a failure to society, you only wish your life circumstances were better. And they are better than those of most people on this planet. I think you need to gain some perspective here and either do part time work, part time study and sacrifice even more time with your friends/gain new friends and/ or work on your attitude/stop emotional eating, make new friends..

AndromedaGalaxyBar · 09/05/2024 06:33

You are being too hard on yourself, you have achieved a lot and I’m sorry about your dad.
Uni is really not the be all and end all, but if you are wanting further education, a degree apprenticeship could be an idea? You complete a degree but get paid at the same time which removes some of the financial pressure.
Getting outside in nature will help general mood, and try to create an exercise routine and stick to it. “Habit stacking” is a good way to do this.
Starting a new hobby is a good way to create more of a social life, and also reach out to your friends even if the plans end up being weeks in advance!

Hereyoume · 09/05/2024 07:14

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SlothsNeverGetIll · 09/05/2024 08:52

You've got a good job for your age. I think so many people have been conned by the idea that work should be fulfilling. It probably won't be - most peoples work isn't. My work has never fulfilled me, but it pays well and I have a nice life outside of it.

There is tonnes that you could be joining in with in Bristol to make friends. What are your interests?

YouOKHun · 09/05/2024 08:55

Whoa @Hereyoume are only people on £39k or less allowed to be unhappy? What is tone deaf about describing your own difficulties such as losing a parent at a pretty young age or having regrets about the path you’re on? Your envy based aggressive response is tone deaf, how do you know someone is doing just fine based on a few sentences?

MatildaTheCat · 09/05/2024 09:01

@couldhaver you sound lonely. Maybe look at some Meet-up activities or something social and start some new habits. Dont try and change everything at once but having some new things to do and maybe starting to care for yourself through better food and exercise and you might feel differently and possibly consider your next big moves in terms of job/ housing/ education.

@Hereyoume shame on you.

GinBooksChocs · 09/05/2024 09:08

Im sorry to read about your dad.

I think life isn't linear and perhaps reframing your thinking would be beneficial.

Can you do open university/open/distance learning? Lots of unis offer this now. I am doing post graduate study this way.

Getting into the civil service isn't easy and I think understand moving internally can be achievable more easily, perhaps you can look at this.

No one's life is untouched by grief and obstacles, everyone else is not living a perfect life.

If you can take charge of your life then you may find you can go out and achieve what you want to.

Good luck!

Churchview · 09/05/2024 10:00

OP, you're so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

I would say look forward not back. Here's how to do it. Sit down somewhere beautiful, with a big notebook on your knee and a coffee in your other hand.

On the left hand side of the page make a column of all the things you're unhappy about e.g. not living in London or putting on weight.

Then draw a middle column and write something under each of those things that you can do to improve your situation today e.g. plan a weekend visit to London or go for a brisk walk in a lovely park and eat a healthy dinner.

On the right hand side of the page do a 'long term plan' column. Here's where you set a time scale and decide a long term answer to the things you're unhappy with. e.g. Get a job in London and move back by Christmas. Start couch to 10km tomorrow and run a race in October.

Life honestly can get more optimistic immediately.

Grief can cripple us and I am so sorry for your loss. Don't sink - now's the time to swim. You can change anything. You have time. Be a student (you can if you cut your costs and get part time work). Live in London. Work for a charity in your dad's name. Have fun love. It's all ahead of you. Get your sparkle back and have some fun. Have lots of fun.

p.s. Bristol is nice. I'm a Bristolian. Explore. Walk around the harbourside, have an ice cream on Brandon Hill. Eat your sandwiches in the Cathedral garden. Go the Mshed and have a coffee in Mud Dock - it's all uplifting. Join things. Get out in the country and sniff the cider. Don't drink it - it's foul.

Shiningout · 09/05/2024 10:47

At 28 so much is going to change in your life still. Your story is very similar to mine but I'm Doing better even now, trying to take opportunities career wise and be at peace with what I have right now. You're still so young

SamuelDJackson · 09/05/2024 11:40

If you are not happy with where you are in life right now, then now is the time to start changes. This situation you are in is just a cul de sac and not your destination - so you need to find a way to readjust, turn round and keep driving.

You sound lovely and already have so much going for you - 2 years of uni under your belt, decent earning ability already and 2 years of experience in the civil service: and you were able to be there for and care for your dad when he needed you, which is an amazing thing to have done. To put your life and plans on hold to care for another person take maturity and dedication. You have already achieved so much.

Churchviews notebook idea is a great one - as is getting out for a walk or a jog today and getting into a self care/exercise routine

You didnt say what you studied at uni or how long you have left to study for your degree? Would having that degree enhance your job prospects or allow you to move into work more suited to your interests? Is it your passion that you want to get back to or would you rather just have 'a degree' to open other doors.

Do your uni know why you left and would completing the rest of your degree there be an option? - they may be very responsive to an approach if you explain the situation with care/bereavement and might be able to work with you to facilitate this eg part time study over a longer period? or study remotely?

Or would you be able to study in another area - could your academic transcripts/course credits be transferred to another uni allowing you to finish your studies in another city, perhaps one with cheaper living costs?

How about combining work with study - you say that you are not satisfied with your civil service job but is there any prospect of a sideways move into another role? do they have any training schemes that might allow you to work alongside completing a degree? could your current experience and role be used to facilitate a move into London

You clearly cant just quit your job straight away but what if anything can you get out of your time there that might help you when moving on eg training courses/roles that might make the daily grind more interesting and give you a focus for the future?

Bubbles12345678 · 09/05/2024 11:49

I’m really sorry to hear about your Dad 💐

For what it’s worth I’m in pretty much the same boat barring the bereavement (29, unfulfilling stressful civil service job but good money, dropped out of uni albeit due to heath issues). I hear you, you’re not alone.

What is your desired career path? Could you afford to take a pay cut to retrain? Is there a degree apprenticeship you could look at in your desired field?

As for friends, have you tried meeting people who are at a similar life stage to you? There are quite a few meet up groups and apps popping up these days to find friends as opposed to just romantic partners.

Bringbackspring · 09/05/2024 11:56

At 28 there is still so much opportunity to makes changes to your life. But to be clear, you definitely don't sound like a failure at all.

I took a break from life and went solo travelling at 28 on a really, really tight budget and came back needing to find a job and get my life going again. It felt big at the time but it was 13 years ago now and life has moved on nicely, as it will for you too.

At 33 I realised I couldn't see myself in my chosen career forever and I had a massive crisis of confidence about it as I was all set to go down that specific path. But I took a punt and pivoted roles (had to take a demotion for it but have worked my way back up on new pathway). Best decision I ever made. Now that I'm in my 40's I think changing career would be harder but in your 20'sand with no attachments, life is all to play for.

I had the same thing in that at your age all my friends had settled down and were on their 1st or 2nd baby. I was the only single, childfree one (but happily so). I saw that as an opportunity to do things, go places, meet people in a way that being tied down doesn't allow so easily.

It's a bit cliché but try joining a hobby group to make new friends who are more available just by virtue of the fact that they will be at your hobby group each week. In Bristol there is a massive 20s/30s walking group that is really active and does lots of social too. A quick google and you'll find them. I made loads of new friends there when I was in a similar position to you.

And you are not a failure...£40k at 28 with no degree is amazing, well done! We can't always love our job, I think social media mis-sells the idea of a perfect fulfilling life to us. You are in a good position to do lots of things that make you happy outside of work. You just have to go out and do it!

Cornflakes44 · 09/05/2024 12:23