@NavyFox I have been in the same situation and it is really difficult to understand why the person you love wants to look at naked images of other people. I personally don’t get anything from watching porn but I know that a lot of people, mainly men, do.
After I got over the shock I really had to think about why was it that accessing paid for content was upsetting me so much more than what is available for free online. I believe sex work is work and those participating should be consenting adults who are remunerated for their work so why when it came to me personally did I have such an issue with someone paying for it rather than getting it for free? It’s really difficult to understand the motivation when it’s something you’d never want to access yourself but I genuinely think it comes down to the in built early-man brains we still have.
On a very basic and unconscious level for hetero women sex = pregnancy so sex has to involve a connection with a person who will ultimately protect and provide for them. Men do not have this need as for them there are no long term consequences of ejaculating, they can just move on to the next woman (speaking in terms of basic brain functions not modern day expectations of fatherhood). As such it is much easier, in general, for men to separate the act of sexual pleasure from a loving, trusting, committed relationship than it is for women due to how our brains are wired. This is obviously a generalisation and speaking in very basic terms. I would suggest reading Sara Pascoe’s book ‘Animals’, she explains this far better than I can using actual studies and research.
With that being said, I know logically that a man looking at or paying to look at porn is not unusual and doesn’t have anything to do with me and my relationship with that man, it still hurts and feels like a rejection. The payment element makes it feel more personal somehow even though it’s not.
I don’t believe that looking at porn is cheating, engaging in conversation is different but just looking at images, even paid, does not amount to cheating in my mind but everyone is entitled to their opinions on that. Those saying their partners would never look at porn or use onlyfans may be correct but there are no doubt many who just are unaware because the amount of content out there, someone’s paying to look at it and chances are some of those men are married!
I don’t particularly like the use of porn and onlyfans but it’s not worth breaking up an otherwise very happy marriage over. In my situation the content he views is age appropriate (as in the women are generally my age), there is no conversation between them and paid access is infrequent (you’d be amazed what gets posted on twitter for free, way more explicit than instagram).
Your husband lied because he was embarrassed and cornered, when I found out I didn’t want to put my other half in a position where he would feel a need to lie (which would hurt me more) so I wrote it down, partly so I could express my feelings more clearly but also give him time to reflect on how it affected me and our relationship. You might think he should just have been honest but clearly it was something he wanted to keep private and was caught off guard when you confronted him so his only defence was to lie because being honest meant admitting something embarrassing that he knew would upset you.
It might take some time to come to terms with this and work out where your boundaries are but that is a conversation for you and your husband when you are ready to talk about it. If you implement a blanket ban on all porn I think you’re likely setting him up to fail and push him to feel a need to lie more as it’s a habit that has been part of his life for many years by now, just one you were unaware of.
I too have never spoken to anyone IRL about this, that in and of itself shows just how shamed we are as a society about porn and why someone would feel the need to lie about it.
Just know you aren’t the only wife caught off guard by this, he’s not the only husband hiding it and you will work through this in time. Just remember it’s not because he doesn’t find you attractive, it’s because men are ruled too often by the brain in their pants!