Care home staff shouldn't comment like this

[gertyybuns]

My DGM is in a care home with dementia.
DF goes every day or every other day depending on his own health.
My DSis and I have seen her every week for over 6 years and provided at home care for about 4 of those (cleaning, cooking, personal care) until she went into a home.
My circumstances have changed now I have a DD, so I am either working or with my DD as my husband works long hours and it's very difficult to find the time to go in, as she has sun downing so it basically has to be in morning else she gets distressed. Which leaves me only weekends when DH isn't working. Maybe 2/4. Taking DD in isn't an option.
The last few times I've been in one of the care home staff has made the comment 'oh leaving so soon?' When I've been there for over half hour, which is as long as she can manage and it's not the nicest sitting in a room of elderly people shouting and screaming anyway when it's difficult enough to have a coherent conversation. The same member of staff encouraged us to go in when there was a note on the door saying no visitors due to norovirus and then scabies.
AIBU to be getting fed up of these comments when most weeks for the last few years the only hour I get to myself has been to go and see her?
For context no there is no inheritance and never has been, and she has never particularly liked me anyway!

Speak to the manager. The staff have no right to make such comments.

Im a nurse in a care home and if I heard any of my staff making such comments, I would be having serious words. Even if not meant as they sound, it is none of our business how often people visit and we shouldn't make comment.

I see it from both sides.
On one hand, yes they shouldn't comment but on the other, the carer is there to put your DGM first and probably doesn't know/care much about what happens in the rest of your life because it's their job to get your DGM the best experience.

Report this to the director/manager of the care home. It’s unacceptable.

Is there a reason you can't take your DD? My young grandkids often come to visit my ex MIL who has dementia and is in residential care. The residents love to see young children

You are a brilliant granddaughter. Don’t let the carers make you question yourself.

DF spent his last 6 months in a care home 70 miles from where I live. It was during covid so at times no visitors were allowed or only DSM could visit which meant I didn't get many visits to him until he was in end of life care at which point they pulled out all the stops for us. Anytime we visited, he was wheeled back to his room if he was in the residents' lounge when we arrived so we never had to deal with other residents.
At times when I couldn't visit, DSM video called me either on Zoom or on Facetime. OP, is there a family member who could facilitate video calling (if your DGM has capacity to cope with that - DF had dementia but we had used Facetime from the start of lockdown while he was still at home so he was familiar with it). DF died 2 years ago and there is still a gap in my Friday afternoons when DSM used to video call me from DF's room.

@Justcallmebebes
Some of the residents are quite frightening with physical and verbal out bursts where she is so no, there's no way I'd take a toddler in there. We did when she was in different accommodation. This isn't the best care home tbh but the council placed her.

@snoopyfanaccountant
That is nice they wheeled him back to the room. They won't do that for us as she has to be hoisted and they won't spare the time.
She would be unable to see a screen due to cataracts and wouldn't understand this I don't think. That's a good idea tho.

It sounds like a throwaway comment, I wouldn’t read any malice or judgment into it.

that's my reaction too

Should say they can't spare the time, not that they won't, as they have lots of residents with dementia and too little staff unfortunately

Once is a throwaway comment but it sounds like this happens frequently

DF had spent months in hospital prior to going into the home. In the hospital he had been in a fantastic padded chair on wheels which reclined. DSM investigated buying him one when he went into the home but they were £2,000 new; she found one on eBay for a tenth of that price being sold by a charity close to our hearts. When DF died, we asked the home to pass the chair to someone else who could benefit from it.
When DF was washed and dressed in the morning the carers put him into the chair and he stayed in it through the day unless he needed taken out for personal care; it allowed him to join the other residents or be in his own room as suited.

It doesn't sound good that they won't move her for your visits. A visit with her granddaughter would be very beneficial for her. I know they are busy, however they should be making time for things like this.

Why did you feel the need to mention inheritance? Would that change how long you stay for? Half an hour isn't much but you know your family best.

Half an hour every two weeks is a bit rubbish to be fair as it sounds like your poor DF is doing lots however what is of most concern is why your DH isn’t supporting you better when you say things like ‘only hour I get to myself’.
What do you do when DC are in bed?

Ignore - ime some get virtually no visits -some with dozens of offspring/ DGC all nearby get daily.
it always feels that nothing you do is enough as to you it’s a sad situation, but it is aging and life, or the end of it, ….when demented relative may have forgotten you were even there. 2 mins after you leave.

Half an hour is fine. Visit for as long as you can both tolerate. You might find visits a little easier if you take something to do with you, photos or a magazine to look through together (just talk to her about the pictures), hand cream and give her a bit of a hand massage or maybe nail polish if she likes that, you can get some nice "scrapbooks" that focus on different decades with lots of pictures too. Read bits out of the paper to her if you like. If you can get out of communal areas especially now the weather is getting better and sit outside and chat about any flowers / birds / passing people. Have a game of dominos (doesn't matter if they're right!) or listen to music together, play some old favourites on your phone.

Long periods of interaction can be exhausting for you both. It's good that you visit when you can, lots of people have almost no one but it's important you meet your own needs and balance looking after the rest of your family / working too.

(My day job when not hanging around Mumsnet is as a dementia specialist nurse)

Oh - I need to read more than the first post - they absolutely need to be hoisting her into a suitable chair that can be wheeled back to her room / outside (if they have a garden) etc. Occupational therapy should be able to assess and provide her with a specialist chair if she doesn't have one.

Photos / magazines will depend on how bad her cataracts are, if she'd struggle with those I'd go with tactile and interesting objects to hold and talk about - a souvenir from a holiday, a rubix cube, fidget toys. Depending on what / if she worked or her hobbies you could find things related to this to - so if you cooked together when you were young you might bring an old wooden spoon and then talk about the things you made, or if she knitted some yarn etc.

I don’t think it’s a personal comment. Half an hour sat in a room full of noisy elderly people may have felt like a whole hour to you. While half an hour working in a busy care home is pretty full on, she’d probably achieved huge amounts in those 30 minutes, with time flying by in a blink.

I’ve had a carer say to me this week that I need to visit DM more otherwise she’ll go into one to one care. I visit 2-3 times a week, 1-1.5 hours a time. Afterwards I feel so emotionally exhausted I sometimes end up going to bed in the afternoon.