Guilt over partner leaving

[Honeymonster2]

I'll try and be concise on the history - together nearly 10 years, unmarried, 4 children. Partner is an alcoholic, anger outbursts, laziness etc but no violence. He has a history of gambling large amounts of money, staying out til almost morning etc. In Jan he got caught messaging a prostitute for sex but he didn't go through with it, he left for a few weeks, sobered up, started exercising so I asked him to come home. I tried to make the conscious choice to move on from it - because I love him. He started drinking again, although much less, but still in secret, I could feel my anxiety rising again, like I was just super aware of him lying. Then a week or so ago, he went out when I was ill in bed and didn't come home til 4am, slept in the car and missed the start of the work day. He has left again, and I've told him that's it now, I can't carry on and the messages from Jan still affect me a lot.

Here's the guilt thing - I feel so bad, I love him, my daughter in particular is gutted and is crying a lot, and he's being forced to live with his mum that he has a lot of trauma with and he hates it. Initially he said that there's not much to do, but now he's decided that he doesn't accept my saying its over and he'll do anything to come home even if it takes years. If I'm honest (and I know it sounds pathetic) I like when he says all the nice things via text about loving me and he'll do anything etc, but I am also enjoying the lightness that my house is now, I didn't realise how I was feeling before, but now he's gone, I'm keeping the house clean and tidy, I think I'm having more patience with the children and I just feel a stillness that I'm enjoying... but it still doesn't really feel over. I'm so confused, like constantly confused about what's happened over the years I can't really construct a complete thought about it.

Also it feels like this is the silliest reason to finally end the family I've built, when it's something that has happened so many times, although not a lot recently, and can I really use the fact I feel cheated on as a reason, when I said it would be OK and he can come back? Like it feels like I'm scrounging for excuses for him to be the bad guy or something?

Sorry for the ramble, I feel very alone, but I know he does too and that's adding to my guilt and sadness that I've caused that for him.

.

Partner is an alcoholic, anger outbursts, laziness etc but no violence. He has a history of gambling large amounts of money, staying out til almost morning etc. In Jan he got caught messaging a prostitute for sex

Read that back and imagine your daughter is saying it to you about her partner.

What would you say?

His behaviour has been utterly vile. You tried your best to rebuild but the behaviour he's demonstrated can only be moved on from if he works to rebuild trust. He absolutely hasn't done that, so I think you are absolutely right to kick him out and keep him out. It's so sad for your dd but remember that's not something you have a choice about; you need to protect both them and yourself from his awful behaviour and choices.

Oh, the typical guilt, shame and pity of the alcoholics dp.
Been there, done that got the manky vodka soaked t-shirt.
Sweetheart that lightness you feel could be permanent. Bitter experience tells me he's not gonna change.
Where do you see yourself and dc in 5yrs?

Really? He's a crap role model and a dead weight to the family. Your standards are very low OP, he should have been gone a long time ago.

Children love their parents unconditionally (usually). That doesn't mean the parents should stay together through addiction, cheating, gambling, nastiness and laziness. You all deserve better and he won't change.

I tried to make the conscious choice to move on from it - because I love him.

This was your mistake. There is no moving on from something that bad. This is clearly who he is. There is no reason for you to feel guilty - this is all on him.

finally end the family I've built

Interesting wording, because yes, you've built it and kept it together, but he's been destroying it. It's only this love (sounds more like some kind of unhealthy dependency/attachment) you have for him that has kept it going so long and it really reads as unequivocally the best thing to end it. He is an alcoholic with a ton of other problems. His primary relationship is with drink. You cannot cure him etc etc. And as for 'not going through with it' with the prostitute - it absolutely boggles me that any woman would buy this line, let alone the vast number of women on here who seem to swallow it. Men in this situation don't just message a prostitute once or twice and get shy and not go through with it. They might only get caught once and trot out that BS but they use prostitutes. Regularly. I'm really sorry if that's harsh but it's so obvious that you're blinkered by this love and hellbent on making it work and it's really not something you can do. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

And the fact that you built the family means you will continue to manage it without him around. Imagine if all that effort and emotion wasted on him is channelled into yourself and your DC and much better things in life? It might not feel like it, but you've got this. Seek out real life support from other women who've been through it with addicts and you'll start to find a new life ahead.

He's only sorry now, and now he got caught.

Oh don’t inflict this fucking loser on your children. They will not thank you.

He’s a loser. Move on. Get your self some therapy as you sound very low.

I struggle to see what is there to love?

You did right to get rid of him. Of course he’s saying all the right things now because he’s lost his comfy living situation. If he’s really changed he can prove that without being back in the family home.

it’s your life, but from what you’ve said here, getting rid of him is the best thing, like others said - how would you react if it was your son or daughter in this situation?

Thank you all, I think it's the guilt of feeling like it's because of me he now has nothing. The house, kids and car are all with me and in my name... and his only option is yo stay with his mum, who like I said, they have a very rough relationship. If I said yes, he'd have everything back, I feel like I've ruined his life

It's as though you are starting to see him as the victim in all of this when he is the perpatrator, his actions caused this. You are the victim of his behavior and he will continue this way of life if he comes back.
You don't need him to reach a certain standard of bad behaviour to split up with him, it could be that you just that past behaviour has been so bad that there is no coming back now.

Can I really use the fact I feel cheated on as a reason, when I said it would be OK and he can come back?
Yes, you can! But more importantly he is an alcoholic who abuses your trust, and until he acknowledges his problems, gets counselling, and is many months sober I wouldn't have him back.

the guilt of feeling like it's because of me he now has nothing
He has nothing because he values alcohol more than anything else including, I'm sorry to say, you and his children 😢

Not to mention the gambling.... oh god, please get some therapy for yourself and don't let him back in.

He is responsible for his situation.

Your poor daughter. Make a clean break from him and send her a clear message that this is not a good partner or role model.

You should have left long ago, it's just the straw that broke the camels back.

Don't have him back, kids shouldn't have to grow up with an angry alcoholic at home even if they don't know any better (and sadly they obviously don't otherwise they wouldn't be so upset). This is their normal, living with an alcoholic - and they may well repeat that pattern when they grow up as it's what feels normal to them. You need to show them this isn't normal by not getting back together again no matter what he says.

On the spectrum of 'silly' to 'not silly' reasons to leave a relationship, a partner messaging a prostitute is so far past 'not silly' it's a tiny dot, deep in space, at the far side of the next universe over.

You didn't cause this, he did. You didn't drink the booze, do the gambling, find the sex workers: HE DID. HE DID HE DID HE DID. He started the collapse at the very foundations of your relationship and he destroyed those foundation so completely it's now impossible to rebuild.

HE DID ALL OF THIS.

It's not your job to hold it all together. You have made the right decision, especially for your children.

I feel like I've ruined his life

If his life is ruined, that’s his doing, not yours.

Oh, he's done a good job on you.

Alcoholics are the ultimate in self-pity. It's always someone else's fault. Rarely do they ever admit that they are the problem - and they can only recover if they are willing to admit that.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. My husband grew up with an alcoholic dad. It affects him still. So much so that, as so many children of alcoholics do, he got into a relationship with one - my DSD's so-called 'mother' (not much mothering was ever done and she drank herself to death when DSD was four).

Believe me, you do not want this for your kids. Keep him away, for them, if not for yourself. Please.

So he feels sorry for himself and you feel sorry for him, even though he's responsible for all the bad stuff and you did all the good stuff. Honestly, sometimes I despair of women's seemingly infinity capacity to eat shit and ask for more! Please please get help and support in real life to rewire your thinking. The freedom programme is often recommended on here but I'm sure there's more specific support that the good people on the threads for alcoholic-related issues can point you to. Thank god the house, kids and car are all in your name. Imagine how screwed you and those kids would be if they weren't!

Yes all along the house and car have been in my name which he has always hated, but although I've been stupid a lot i was smart and listened to my late mum, she was so happy when she got her council housing when i was around 17, I remember she said that no one can take her home from her now and that's stuck with me. I just wish she was here to tell me what's right lol

Ah bless you, your mum sounds very wise and so glad she drummed that into you. Of course he hated it because he could've gambled and drunk it all away. Instead you've kept a roof over your childrens heads and give them a stable home however much he's worked against that. I think you probably know in your heart what your mum would advise, although I know it's hard without her.