Are mum friends, real friends?

[Catdeeleyslovelyhair]

I have a nice set of 6 friends I met through having my dc, have know them 3-5 years (a couple longer than others) We do things with the kids and a couple of times without
I like them, quite enjoy meet ups, although often don’t want to go before I go, which I know is weird, but they don’t feel the same as previous friendships.
Friendships from school, college, uni and work friends (those who started as colleagues and became proper friends) seemed a lot stronger and more personal, these seem quite throwaway, even though we confide in one another. Is this just what happens when you have kids, or am I being too intense?

I have a group of mum friends and they're probably my closest friends. They've been there for me when I needed them more than some of my oldest friends. We all enjoy each other's company immensely, and our husbands all get on great. We've all been friends now for about 16 years though, so it does take time.

I always find these questions odd. It comes up with work friends on here sometimes too. Anyone can become a close friend regardless of whether you meet them at college or a hobby or a mum group.

They can be, though it ultimately depends on the individuals in question. Friends you met at school or university or work or hobbies tend to be people with whom a friendship developed based on your own attributes, interests, values, sense of humour, personality etc. You developed the friendship on the back of common ground in who you are as people. They have a more genuine basis. Whereas making friends with people who just happened to be in the same room as you because you were all pregnant or all had children of a similar age doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll share other common ground, and it’s easy to get caught up in thinking that you’re great buddies when actually, you just talk a lot about your children which fills up time and space and creates similar experiences without actually developing relationships.

My closest friends are a mixture! One uni friend, one ex-colleague, one mum friend. Not school in my case.

Plenty of friends in our lives are situational. That doesn't mean they aren't valuable at that time in your life, nor that you need to connect on a deep level to enjoy each other's company.

This is my experience too. When kids get older (go to secondary school, especially) I found the group drifted as it was mostly centered on days/plans with the children. Looking back the friendships were quite superficial.

Hi op yes some lovely mums through my daughters years and school. Sons year didnt gel as much. Its nice as ours 18 now we still chat and meet. Have v few work friends once i left it fizzled out

Mine is still young but I don't hold out much optimism for my mum friendships lasting beyond the point the kids need us to facilitate. There's one or two I genuinely have common ground and would like to socialise with without the kids, but I think most are situational.

My mum friends are some of my closest friends. I don’t see why mum friends are any different from work/uni/wherever friends.

I think in life there are 'friends' who are your true, deep friends - would come over to your house at 2am if you needed them etc, then there are the buddies/acquaintances who you like and have fun with but maybe they're not on the same level as the former. Nothing wrong with that, there's no hard and fast rule for how close you should be.

Then there are friends who you are close with, but it's more so that they're right for the time of life you are in and your bond might fade over time - maybe clubbing pals at uni whose friendship fizzles out as you move into your 20s for example. Mum friends can fall into this category too, people you bond with when you both have babies and appreciate the support of someone also sleep deprived who will happily chat to you about weaning and nursery and nappies when other friends may not be keen. But then maybe you lose touch as your kids grow and you realise you don't have much in common anymore. Or maybe there are some that'll go the distance. It's not a one size fits all.

I have some mum friends I click with on a lot of levels, but others where we only really have our kids in common. Both types are appreciated even if we might not be in each other's lives in a few years.

You don't have a history yet and often that's how friendships solidify.
My dc are teens and I am really close with quite a few of my friends I met at toddler groups and primary school.
This has been amazing because firstly, there's now a good solid friendship even though not all the kids are still friends and secondly, navigating the teenage years can be pretty demanding so it was great to have friends who also know the dc well, to bounce ideas off or share issues with.

They can become so.
My best friend devastatingly died suddenly. I made a conscious decision that I needed more close friends to confide in and socialise with.It worked but you have to work on it. The 3 friends I wanted to get closer to over 12 years ago are still close friends today even though our children are grown up.

I’d say one of my NCT friends is now a friend friend. I have a nice group of mum friends that I know from playgroup but I expect once all our DC are at different primary schools and we no longer all see each other every week it’ll peter out. I believe it’s what’s called a “situationship”.

Mum friends aren’t some special category of friends you know? They are just people and just as likely or unlikely as any other group of people. The source of the friendship is irrelevant to it’s quality.

I find the premise of the question a bit daft.

Do you usually divide your friends into categories according to where you met them?

Yes and no. Some can become genuine friends. Others you're just mates cos of the kids. And that's fine. There's room for different levels of friendship.

I have mum friends and people who started as mum friends who are now just friends who I see with or without kids. The mum friends are not such close friends and I guess are more friends by coincidence of having kids the same age in the same way as work friends. I suspect as our kids get older we won’t see as much of each other.

They can be but my experience is that if you or that move away you will loose touch quickly. Few friendships last the transition to secondary school too. I'm talking from personal experience. Even those who you think you are close to don't last if you don't list nearby (I've moved a bit!)

A friend is a friend, not sure it matters how you met

In my experience a mum friend can be a great friend but if your kids stop being friends, bye bye mum friend. Which is sad.

I thought they were but I've certainly felt them distance themselves from me recently. None of them wished me happy birthday last week either even though they knew.

I also saw a couple of them in the pub 2 weeks ago as I walked past but no 'hey, come join us for a quick one!'

It's a bit upsetting but not much I can do about it.

Some are some aren’t

There is one school mum I regard as a friend. We have connected on a deeper level due to our DC having similar additional needs.
The other mums are nice enough. But they are acquaintances not friends.

I think thay if you add a prefix then the friendship is not necessailrily as deep as a 'just' friend.

Work friend is someone I'm friends with because we work together but once one of olus moves on. We're unlikely going to be in close contact. So if they're friends then they're friends. But to me mumfriend indicates that they haven't transfered to just friend category yet.

And im not necessarily referring to how you talk about then. Sometimes it is easier to say mumfriend, work friend, school friend etc. To other people. But hiw you think about them.

Same - people seem really dismissive of "mum friends" but if you click with someone, it makes no difference how you met them?

My best friends are people I met on the school run, I have zero friends from when I was at school myself, I have really good friends from my 1st job, never see anyone from a job I was at for 11 years ..... It's the person, not how you met

Perhaps it's because you don't meet that often, and you are part of a group all the time. I have a group like that, I enjoy it, have fun when I go and I do think we all care about each other, having known each other a good long time, but it's not the same as a one-on-one friendship of the type I have with several other people. I think friendships aren't all one thing, and pushing them to be different than they are never works.

Friends you make in your school days and late teens and early 20s are there in a time of your life when you have oodles of time for each other and are sharing exiting times all the time - like boyfriend/boyfriend troubles, leaving school getting first jobs, leaving home, getting engaged maybe, getting pregnant ect.

'Mum' friends are, by their very name, made in the years when these big milestones are over with and everybody is a bit knackered and a bit busy and have been there and done it with the daily contact stuff of friendships when you're young and free.

You're doing the school run every day plus a million other things and you've found a mate. That's great! But they're also doing all the same stuff and being pulled in lots of different directions too and you both have an understanding that you can meet up sort of regularly and not always respond within minutes of texting and it's ok. You're gown ups with shit going on.

You look back on your old friends from old days and remember how intense and amazing it felt and maybe think this means these new friendships are less somehow. They're not - it's just that we've changed. My opinion anyway.