Have you ever just gone off a friend?

[Tryingtokeepupwithsubtitles]

I’ve had it recently about a friend in our group. She’s very lovely so I’m not sure why i’m having this feeling. She’s constantly happy though, which I realise is great, I’m a positive person and like positivity around me. However, I’ve never seen her down or a bit quiet, it just all now seems so false, I don’t know how someone can constantly keep that up? I just want to see realness, the way all others have in our friendship group. I also feel she sucks up to one other member of our group a lot and it doesn’t come across as genuine.
It was a quite sudden change in the way I feel towards her and I’ve not really had this with a friend before, with others we’ve obviously just naturally grown apart.
Has anyone had similar?

God yes, I had a friend like this. She's a lovely, sunny personality but it started to grate on me. Soon the sound of her voice sounded like nails scratching on a blackboard.

I gradually withdrew contact and I hope she is happy, because she didn't have a bad bone in her body.

It’s a you thing not a her thing OP.

and yes I have felt one this and it was when I wasn’t in a great place myself.

So you should really be asking yourself why do I not like this person when they havnt actually done anything.

Just keep your distance and realise it's a "you" problem and nothing to do with this friend. You must realise that people don't have to change to suit your whims.

Yes sometimes the fake is too obvious - reminds me of the lovely girls at the Spa who are at least paid to be superficially happy constantly.

I think you can see when what people say is different to what they really feel if you are attuned to microaggressions and can see the eyes don't support what the mouth is saying. It is something that makes my skin crawl and I always avoid the women who do this. They are usually quite popular though (lots of men love it!) and always seem to be going out socialising. I don't mind at all if they are just a bit thick and genuinely don't realise when they say silly things and can laugh at themselves.

Ooh ouch. I’d say you being ‘attuned to micro aggressions’ is you actually being hyper vigilant which comes from childhood.

Imagine labelling women as fake because they are happy, smiley and chatty.

Yes it does stem from childhood. However that doesn't mean the women I see doing it aren't pretending everything is fine and glossing over huge issues in their lives to look perfect.

To show vulnerability (eg that she is down about something) requires her to trust you.

She isn't obliged to give you that trust.

Maybe she has quite rightly picked up a vibe from you that you don't like her and she doesn't trust you enough to be open and vulnerable.

Yes I have but I realise it's a me issue. Sometimes you find out you're not actually compatible with a person and that's okay just distance yourself.

I’m not sure if she’s not done anything, I have noticed a couple of things, in conversations she’s always trying to chat to this other friend and if I try to join in, I just see a shift, hard to explain…a shift from her, not my other friend.
Also, when we all complain/moan about our relationships, she never opens up at all, everything is just always perfect and smiles, when we know life isn’t like that

I realise I sound bitchy, but I’m not actually a bitchy person at all, which is why it’s bothering me. I usually always like the nice, positive people the most, it’s strange

I agree - if they don't want to show vulnerability it is their choice, just as much as it is other's choice not to engage with people who don't ever want to be vulnerable.

People who like people who always "have it together" generally don't like thinking about difficult things and their friends (and men in particular) like the superficiality of this. The fun-time girls!

It simply isn't for everyone. We are all different.

Some people are programmed from childhood not to drag others down with their emotions or burden others. IME people who are like this are sometimes hurting inside but can’t trust others because of their childhood programming. So they put a sunny front on not to burden others.
And others of course, are just truly happy and positive.
I think it’s quite sad these days that a lot of people are turned off by niceness, kindness, happy people, empathy, helping others (I know you didn’t mention all of these traits, it’s just something I’ve noticed in a lot of threads lately). People seem to generally be very suspicious of positive traits.

I agree with this. Also, if she gets the same kind of 'off' vibe from you then she may be overcompensating with the happiness out of nervousness.

I completely relate to this OP, it’s a very lonely feeling because you can’t really admit it to other friends as you just sound like a bitch.

I have seen this issue in myself mostly when I was a bit younger, I had a habit of forming intense friendships very quickly where were obsessed with each other, do everything together.. then one day I’m just over it, completely numb to it and it’s like I forget the bond even existed. It’s horrible and embarrassing to look back on.

@Hecatoncheires She’s the same with everyone though

Twice, for the opposite reason to you. One was so negative I felt she resented anything in my life that was going well or even just okay. I’d play down anything positive, pretend things were worse than they were and left every meet up feeling glum.

The other has many wonderful qualities but she seems to find it impossible to be happy about anyone else’s happiness. Every announcement by another friend of a promotion, new house, pregnancy, holiday, new hair cut, literally anything nice and she takes it personally and finds a way to try and distract from it or trash it. She’s got a great job, they’re loaded, have tons of holidays etc but she can’t let anyone else be happy or celebrate anything.

The thing is you can be nice and positive and not be fake. By avoiding talking about anything negative ever and pretending nothing is wrong ever it becomes fake (usually everyone is aware of something big) and it means you can't help them or feel the connection sharing brings. Some people are not good at sharing and feel intense shame and guilt, which is fine but can be difficult for people who like to have deeper friendships to get/enjoy.
There's nothing wrong with you OP - if you don't enjoy her company no one is going to care, least of all her if she doesn't register negative things!

This 100%. You describe this phenomenon so well. I feel this delineates a certain subset of American & Aussie women; people pleasers, the "be kind" & "everything is awesome " brainwashed, simultaneously oblivious of the potential or actual suffering of those around them. This used to be pretty rare amongst British women - maybe it's the American cultural creep. These women are all conforming & mostly devoid of political awareness or understanding.

I find constantly smiley people very unnerving.

Actually, most American women just aren’t whingers.

Anyone can be a whinger, I've worked with most nationalities.

I did have a friend who I stopped talking to as got fed up with her racist comments. She was a colleague who retired 3-4 years after I started. Where I work we have/had colleagues of different races and have no issues talking to them. She was saying racist comments and false things about them which upset me.

I was on a day out with her in a town where need two buses each way to get there. She said another racist comment which I snapped and said something on the lines of I am fed up hearing your racist comments and going home.

I felt very bad doing this as she didn't know which buses to catch for the least amount of time traveling - one was more direct and two others went around the various estates. Was very surprised that her DH or she didn't ring me later that day or day after having a go at me.

Forward 4-6 weeks and it was a retirement do for another colleague. Heard that she was going to it (the cheek) and don't remember her talking to the retiree at all which is insulting imo.

The pub which we go to has an area which is used for events as can have the tables set as you please and an area between the tables where you can stand and have a chat with others.

She never spoke to me then shouted somethings which are untrue. There was silence. The DH of retiree and a few past and present colleagues asked her to leave. The sad thing no one can remember anything of the do apart from her and her tirade of lies. Plus about 8 months later the DH of the retiree died as diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and was too late to do surgery.

I have no idea why my former friend who was a lovely, caring understanding friend became a racist and enjoyed saying bad things about everyone.

Her behaviour that day cut off the ties of other colleagues (past, present and now don't work). About 2 years after the incident, I was driving in a supermarket car park, about 2 miles from where we live (live about two thirds of a mile apart) and saw her and DH's car. I decided to go to another supermarket of the same chain 1.5 miles away just in case she bumped into me and wants a go.

God yes! I morn for the time women were constantly miserable, put up on by their families and society, constantly felt like shit and drank mothers ruin every night because their worries and depression overwhelmed them.

God those were the good old days… fuck these happy people who try and carve out a happy existence and their sunny personalities!

best wishes

Eeyore

It also makes me uncomfortable sometimes sharing real opinions in the group as she doesn’t contribute (doesn’t say anything that would be considered negative) and just looks uncomfortable and doesn’t really have/give an opinion
I’m saying all this as someone who’s less strong than others in my opinions and less bitchy/hate bitchiness, but I do have an opinion and don’t pretend everything’s always perfect or nothing is hard ever. It’s all very twee too and try hard

It sounds as if she likes the other friend more than she likes you, and you are feeling rejection and framing it as irritation and dislike of her. I would guess you are generally well liked and don't have experience of not being the one preferred?

I have had this from a former friend who is very charming and charismatic but I just have more in common with other friends in our group, and she is so used to always being not only liked, but liked MOST, that she experienced it almost as an attack.

Just remain friendly and don't start looking for reasons to dislike someone who has done you no harm, would be my advice.