To expect a little help

[Se1401]

My ex and I have a 10yo son. We split when he was 2 and ex promptly moved back to his home town which is 1 hour away. Since this he has used “distance” as a reason to not see our son at all during the week. Any clubs,appointments,school related activities etc are all down to me. Even illness he won’t help with so I am the one having to take the time off. As well as that, if the ex has plans at a weekend he just won’t see our son at all.

he earns a good wage over £50k a year but at the beginning was reluctant to pay maintenance so I had to go through the cms to set this up. He even tried to ask for receipts from me to justify the money! He also now claims fuel costs off the maintenance for travel to pick up our son..

It is my sons birthday in a couple of months and as it’s his last year at primary school this will probably be his last party and also missed out on 2 parties due to covid so I wanted to arrange a really good one. The cost of the party is £220 and I asked ex if he would go halves (I’m a single parent now) and he’s said no as I get maintenance..! He then also dropped in that he wouldn’t be there anyway as he’s on a stag do!

aibu to expect a little help for special occasions?

You are not being unreasonable that he should, but you are being unreasonable to he surprised he won't given the history of how crap he has been.

I think it depends on the wider context. If it is just this incident, then you are not being unreasonable at all. I certainly wouldn't want to go on a stag do during one of my children's birthday parties, I don't really understand anyone who would.

On the other hand if you receive CMS but then are regularly asking for more money for things that CMS is meant to cover then that is a different matter. For example, I'm in the midst of a divorce at the moment and my ex-wife is trying to get spousal maintenance so despite receiving over £1k in CM already she's constantly asking for money for everything despite enjoying a similar net income than me, to which I have to say no. I'm also aware of other NRPs who get sucked into a situation where they are asked to pay more and more and more and in the end they have to say no and get demonised for it.

In your case it sounds more like the former than the latter, so no you are not being unreasonable.

Thank you for replying!

The only time I have asked for any extra was in October last year as our son is going on a school trip next week which has cost £275. Ex refused to help so I have paid it.

It has got to the point where he won’t even take him for a haircut on the odd occasion I haven’t been able to take him as he says I should be paying for it out of maintenance!

Yeah, you definitely aren't being unreasonable. It isn't always easy to strike a balance and partly it will depend on the size of the CM too but in your case I think he should be contributing a bit more to things like parties (and should want to).

The only suggestion I could make is maybe to bring him in earlier in the planning stage? So rather than say "I have found this party, it costs x, it will be on y date" try "we need to arrange a party, any ideas?" It might not work but you never know.

How much maintenance are you getting? If he’s being very generous I can see his point, otherwise yes he could contribute to out of the ordinary stuff. He sounds like a shit father though

He is meant to pay around £400 as he is a high earner and only has him 2-3 nights a month (his choice) but this went down once he and his wife had a baby and also he claims fuel costs off (even though he moved away). I know it sounds like a lot but my earnings are reduced significantly due to not having any help and having to work reduced hours so I can be there and do the job of 2 parents.

So how much is he currently
paying?