That this is my DDs fault

[Mrstaytos]

DD was due to complete a form for a school trip where you rank the trips in terms of preference.

As background it’s been a very busy time for the family. DH has had a major operation so is immobile for the past month and I’m extremely busy in work.

DD (15) has dyspraxia and has been extremely difficult to manage over the past couple of months.

On 3 different occasions I asked her to give me her preferences so I could input them into the school app. 3 times she said she wanted to check with friends and would let me know. i explained it needed to be filled in but it then slipped my mind.

Well guess what, the deadline closed, places have been allocated and she may not get anything at all. She’s furious at me but this fobbing off and refusing to engage is typical of her behaviour and everything is left to me to sort out.

AIBU to not feel this is my fault. I appreciate she has dyspraxia but everything is left to me and I am just mentally exhausted by her. It was easier in primary when you could just do things without their input !

Sadly she has just learned a big life lesson here. Its not your fault but no doubt she will try to blame you. Don't say I told you so, sympathise with her but make sure she gets that you are so sorry SHE missed HER deadline etc.

Yes at 15 she's old enough to be held accountable. Presumably her friends all managed to get the form filled in. A life lesson for her.

No this is not your fault. You asked her multiple times for her choice, there was nothing more you could do.

Dyspraxia or not she needs to learn responsibility. It's hard though. I have a teenager and 2 younger and the amount of times I am begging them to hurry up to take them somewhere they asked me to go is ridiculous. Ds at 16 has finally learned to oversee his own stuff but its a difficult phase and a tough learning curve. He has ADHD and younger has Dyspraxia so I do understand, they tend to 'blame' neurodiversity but the fact is they need to work with it. If organising your life with these issues is more difficult than your peers then you just have to suck it up and work harder at it, it's just the way it is.

Dyspraxia can affect short term memory tbf to her, but she’s learnt a valuable lesson to find out a way to manage it. Her fault entirely.

This is something we are really struggling with. I tend to over compensate and my husband quite rightly makes the point that she will need to cope without me one day and she needs to learn those skills now

Had the exact same thing with my child - it was options for something else rather than trips. Went through with her what she wanted and was going to submit the form but she told me to wait until she checked with her friends. Of course being busy with a million other things I didn’t think about it again and by the time she came back to me about it the deadline had passed so she ended up with choices she didn’t want, without her friends. I reminded her that the responsibility to get back to me laid with her and that I had initially been ready to submit the form on time.
No it’s not your fault, it’s a good life lesson in being organised, taking responsibility and meeting deadlines - and she will get over it.

I sometimes compare it to something that they are really good at. For example DS finishes learning a poem for english in minutes cos he is really good at it, and he will say 'it's easy'. I might say that would have taken someone else hours because it doesn't come naturally to them. They might need to develop techniques that they use, or different learning tools advised by teacher but you instinctively can do it. Lucky you. When it comes to organising your timetable maybe you need the time, techniques and tools but the other person just gets it. We all have our strengths and challenges etc.

This. Hopefully she'll learn to be more decisive in future. Don't blame yourself.

I've had similar with my elder DS, in primary school and I did fill in the form and give it to DS to hand in but he lost it in his bag and said it wasn't there. When I looked in his bag it was there but it was too late to hand in the next day. Sometimes DC need to learn responsibly lies with them.

Oh, I so relate. This is a fairly typical interaction with me and DS.

I think it IS her fault, but you can also be sympathetic about it rather than cross (which is my default so I'm preaching to myself here, as much as anything). I'd probalby also try to help her manage it eg by suggesting we email the school, explain what happened and ask if there's any way she can be added to the wait list .

🤷‍♀️ that's life. She's old enough to take responsibility. My 3yo couldn't choose which toy he wanted. He was given a clear decision and clear deadline. He missed the deadline and we had to check out so he didn't get one. It's disappointing but life waits for no one, you make a decision or you go without.

I assume she'll get whatever is left.

I'm assuming most replies believe dyspraxia to be a coordination and balance condition.

It's more complex and includes memory, organisation ability, time management, social skills, emotional regulation, daily living skills, taking in new information, planning.

So no I wouldn't say it's yours daughter's fault she didn't get back to you.
But I wouldn't say it's yours either.
You managed to forgot to this because you are busy and stressed and you don't have a condition that limits your ability to organise things.

Your daughter has learnt a lesson that she needs to develop techniques to help her manage things independently. But she also needs help to learn to do that.

It's not good enough to decide she needs to be able to do these things because you want her to or because it's age appropriate. You need to support her in learning how to plan and remember to do things better. And while shes learning to do that she needs to be supported and reminded and advocated for.

Thank you for putting the blame with your daughter, not the school! From a teacher who sends out similar communications it’s amazing how many parents blame us that their child didn’t get their choice (when they didn’t fill out the form!!)

Definitely her fault and l say that as a fellow dyspraxic. If she struggled to remember stuff then she needs to work on some prompts e.g. reminders on phone, to do list etc. She can’t lean on you to do everything forever and a day.

I am very cognisant of this but when I say my DD is very resistant to addressing her challenges, I mean that she is VERY resistant.

Study plans, drawer organisers, make up organisers. All have been sourced, organised and she has refused to engage. We are seeing an OT at the moment but I am at a loss as to what more I can do. Encouraging, reasoning, pleading , nagging. Nothing seems to work

I wouldn’t be cross or blame her, but (once the initial disappointment has been dealt with) I would ask her what would she do differently next time? Is there a system or an app or something that you could help her set up? Because relying on you won’t work long term, so it’s really not a good idea to have that as the plan. Put the ball in her court, but in a supportive way.

That’s fine if she doesn’t want to address them, it’s her choice. But she needs to feel the repercussions of them and not expect you to swoop in all the time to resolve things

I have dyspraxia. And yes, this was absolutely your DD's fault.

Her reaction is classic teenage stuff - nothing's ever their fault when they're that age, as far as they're concerned, and they tend to deflect their annoyance at themselves back at other people (almost invariably parents) - but it's still her fault and she'll probably learn something from it... eventually.

When I was your DD's age, I hadn't been diagnosed. I didn't get a diagnosis until years later when I was an adult. So as a child/teen, I didn't have anyone micro-managing me and compensating. There were massive disadvantages to not being diagnosed, because I didn't have access to the right advice and - as you can imagine - not knowing why on earth I was such a shambolic klutz when other people seemed to manage just fine had a big psychological impact on me. But the one advantage to not being diagnosed was that I did have to learn from my mistakes and learn to find my own coping strategies and to do things for myself without being fussed over. At 15, I think your DD needs you to step back a little bit and she needs to do more things for herself rather than being 'managed' by you so much. If she messes up, she messes up. Dyspraxia might make certain things harder, but at her age, it's absolutely not an excuse to outsource her admin and expect everything to be done for her.

Yep her fault and she needs to suck it up.

Iv adhders - all organisational stuff I loving source is chucked in a draw

Alexa has been a god send. I set the reminders and Alexa shouts them out all over the house.

Deadlines usually I set one for the night before to tell them it's a deadline tomorrow with usually one reminder a few days before

I'm hoping they will get better

She doesn't really need them to work, though, because she's at the moment her strategy is just to rely on you to organise things for her instead.

Speaking from my own dyspraxic perspective, you do have given her various ways of trying to organise herself. You now need to step back and let her fuck up and face the consequences.

I would also add that a lot of her behaviour and attitude is probably as much down to being an average mid-teenager as it is down to her dyspraxia.

It's not your fault OP. it's a hard way to learn a lesson but will do her good. When she is working she won't be able to overlook things or expect someone else to pick up after her. Or if she goes on to have her own children!

Well, maybe missing out on a trip will be the consequence that she needs to actually start engaging. It's a low stakes, merely enjoyable/fun thing that she's missing out on.

You can be sympathetic to a point, but when it comes down to it, you asked her repeatedly, she repeatedly failed to tell you, you couldn't make the decision for her, she lost out. It's a shame. Oh, well.