Do you actually need a reason to go NC?

[Isitameproblem]

I went NC with my sister almost 2 years ago. TBH I would have done that many years before but she never got the polite message that I really didn't want to see her.

I have my reasons for going NC but overall I always found that her presence really put me on edge and we were always fighting. We just couldn't get along. That to me in itself was enough reason.

I've never had any proper attachment either, so ultimately I just didn't care. I'm on the spectrum, but was diagnosed in my late 30s (which I think has a role in this too).

Most people feel NC with a close relative is extreme. For me it would have to be for an exceptional reason.

My MIL trying to punch me was what I finally needed to go NC - after years of abuse from her I am now free

I don't think so.
I went Nc with my father basically because I had just had enough of his nonsense. I did't hate him or wish him ill I just felt that he added nothing positive to my life and he just took without giving.
It doesn't need a dramatic event or anything, you can just decide that you've had enough, you don't need a reason for either yourself or other people

Being miserable around someone is in itself a very good reason to walk away. I don't think someone needs to have stolen your life savings or fucked your husband or beaten you up in order for you to say they really aren't someone that enhances your life or gives you much of a reason to tolerate them being in it.

I am NC with most of my family. Some were abusive, some spiteful ( name-calling, insulting, diminishing), some got a kick out of leaving me out, and some were flying monkeys for all of the above people.
I think life is too short to have to put up with horribleness from people. I think whatever your reason is valid.
People generally see NC as cruel though, but nearly always overlook the cruelty or horrible repeated behaviour of the other person that made you go NC in the first place.

I went NC after a last straw incident. It was years of being made to feel worthless and I’d had enough.

In hindsight, it was 100% the correct decision. My children have never met her so never been made to feel the way I was so her abuse ended with me. I am proud of my decision.

It sounds like your reasons were clear.

Everyone has a reason. People disagree on what constitutes a good reason, but there's always a reason.

That's true and it's something I have never understood.

Family member is horrible to you.
You eventually say oh fuck this and walk away.

Then suddenly it's but faaaaaamily... How can you? Life's too short? Family have to be nice. They're family you need to forgive or understand etc.

Yet you never heard them being told hey don't be a cunt to your family did you?

I think that far from "but family" being a reason to let people treat you like shit, it should be a reason to expect better from them than some random off the street.

If someone makes you unhappy you're under no obligation to see them.

You are also under no obligation to like someone just because they happen to be related to you.

I think at some point you simply decide to weigh up what they bring to your life and whether it is worth making effort. My dad is my only family but he is constantly trying to undermine me, make me feel stupid and the rest. I even spent months trying to help him sort his hovel of a house that he has left to rot because he hates spending, even if it means he has no heating. Not a word of thanks, no effort to help me take things to the tip (bits of ceiling that had fallen down etc). I got plumbers in, tree surgeons...nothing, not a word of thanks. He even went as far as to say he is worried about when I am older as I won't have any money to keep myself (his way of making it clear I am not in his Will - I am an only child).

He is meant to be my parent and I have yet to hear him ever give constructive advice or congratulate me on anything. I am in my 40s.

I do not want to spend the next 30 years of my life doing the same old shit for the same old shit, frankly. You have to draw a line at some point and stop the abuse.

Exactly! I had a lot of "we're family" and "but she loves you" which oddly enough I don't doubt.

However, I always explained it this way, if I had met her randomly in my life would I have been her friend? Not really.

It broke my mother's heart and she thought it was HER fault. I have reassured a million times that it wasn't, but that if they loved me as much as they said they'd understand I just want to be left alone.

That took at least 10 years to sink in.

@MsMsMuffinWalloper
Do you mind sharing why you aren't in your father's will as his only child?

I have to say everyone was very understanding of me going NC. They participated in my ostracism but they were very understanding as to why I don’t have contact. I have never had one person tell me I should get back in contact with my family, not 1. Tells its own story I guess. 🤣🤣

I mean yeah? Like you'd go NC with family who treated you right simply because "I want to"?

The only advantage of having a "really good reason, you know something awful like abuse" is that other people will nod along happily. Otherwise you get huge amounts of judgement for going NC with a family member (that you wouldn't, for example, get if you were leaving a spouse).

You can go NC for any or no reason. The reality is that most people don't suddenly decide not to bother with someone they had previously had a good relationship with. It's possible that others might judge your reason as "not good enough" - this might well be because it's not one single huge thing but the culmination of 1000 small things that led to the decision.

If you want to go NC then do it. You are not obliged to have a relationship with someone just because you share DNA. You do not have to explain your decision to others.

I think there is going NC and there is just not keeping up a relationship. These are different things. I don't think anyone goes NC without a reason. I have a sibling who I haven't seen or spoken to in 20 years. I wouldn't say I am 'no contact' with him, simply that we weren't ever close growing up and then after our dad died, there was no living family bond left, so there was simply no point keeping in touch. I didn't have any desire to have him in my life and he clearly felt the same and we just never spoke again. There were some disagreements over my dad's death and estate, but it wasn't a falling out or anything like that. Simply after the estate was settled, we never spoke again and that was that.

I am NC with my mum though and it was very clearly for a reason and I made a point of cutting the relationship off completely and stating why. Everyone knows why (even if she still lives in denial) and she still stalks and harasses me despite my efforts to be NC.

All that being said, you don't get along, you fight, you don't have a bond, these are all perfectly fine reasons to not have someone in your life. I don't think it has anything to do with being on the spectrum. Lots of people who are NT don't have close relationships with their family and don't keep in touch with them in adulthood and that's perfectly okay.

I think the challenge with having no relationship with a family member is how you handle family events though. I am lucky in that I'm NC with my mum, but she is also my only living biological relative (other than my dc). So we don't see each other anymore and I would never show up to anything where she was going to be, but that's fine, because we are never invited to the same things as have no one in common anymore.

It's more tricky though if you are navigating wider family relationships that you do want to continue. For example, dh and I are NC with a family member of his (because he is a risk to children). We won't attend an event where he is also in attendance. It means unfortunately that we don't get invited to things like the family Christmas or birthdays or other things. Or we do get invited, but he does as well and will always attend, so we have to decline.

I think if you can manage to deal with being in the same place at the same time and keep it civil, it does make life a lot easier. For us, the people we are NC with, it's because of our dc, they are a safeguarding risk, so I just would never take the chance of putting them in harm's way.

This is very true. I wouldn’t go to anything my family of origin goes to but I have separate really good but managed relationships with some extended family members.

Ironically I am now a repository for some serious family skeletons that I would never have known about if I wasn’t being excluded. I would not want to see any of the ones I don’t see now knowing what I now know.

So we all live in different countries (which makes it easy) as there are no family events ever.

It also made being together more difficult because we always had to be together for days under the same roof (thus we'd fight). So nothing like just popping for a cuppa and not see each other again for months.

I'd aways get abuse from her if we weren't visiting our DM at the same time.

My DH at some point used to say it was a shame, but he's only met her once. My exH on the other hand would always say that she was a complete bitch (his words not mine!) So I'm sure I didn't imagine things either!

This, 100%

For me, it was numerous things over many years that just made me more certain of my decision. That and the way i felt around them and how they made me feel, like absolute shite. I decided i’d had enough. Then unfortunately I was given an actual reason to, which not everyone knows but the more that do know now understand the reason I went NC. I never left “dramatically”, though had been wanting to go NC for a number of tears. Then I realised one day, the night before “this is going to be the last time I see them” and blocked all their numbers. Like you, half the family are in different countries so when we do meet we’re all under the same roof!

I have no bloody idea tbh! That's what I mean about him holding it over my head as some grand prize for being his scivvy. I spent most of my life doing everything for him and hoping for some token of appreciation. I actually think he sees me as some kind of servant to him rather than a child of his. He's never been very loving. My DC refuse to have Christmas with him now because he is openly rude to me every year. I spent years worrying about him being alone, then one day realised it is his own doing. I look at our lives and I have nothing in common with him. I have friends and a life where he just sits at home and is bitter.