If you're visiting then you should make arrangements if you want to meet up?

[anicesitdownandshutup]

Things came to a head this weekend when DBro was visiting our home town. He lives a flight away and comes back every so often - Mother's Day, her birthday, Dad's birthday. Should mention that they are the Golden Child. I live here with DH and our 2 teens. My relationship with DPs is ok but there have been some fall outs over the years. DM is a bit of a narc and always meddles between me and DBro. He almost never makes arrangements with me unless I push for it. He's not always easy company and sometimes it's like walking on eggshells. DM is unhealthily obsessed with him and his moods and the obsession ramps up when he comes home.
I'd had enough and decided that I was going to see if he'd contact me to plan in anything for the weekend (he had said weeks ago that he was coming home this weekend and would like to see myself, DH and the kids). It sounds childish because it is but I've got so tired of him not making arrangements and yet getting the guilt trip because I hadn't kept my weekend free.
Never heard from him until Sunday morning when he was asking if we wanted to meet that afternoon or go for a hike today. I'd already made plans for both days so declined but also explained that his constant lack of planning was at odds with his stated wish to see us. He didn't take kindly to this feedback and I haven't heard from him since - he was to phone me last night to make plans for today.
I know that there will now be fallout and I'll get it in the neck from DM. This probably belongs in Relationships rather than AIBU but if you were visiting somewhere and wanted to meet up with someone who lived there then you'd make arrangements before going?

YABU. He told you weeks ago which weekend he would be visiting and said he’d like to see you. I would take that as ‘save the weekend so we can do something’ then he suggested the meet up closer to the time. Nothing wrong with that. You knew he had asked to see you but planned something else anyway.

Sorry. I missed out information. He never tells me his travel. So he said that weekend but in between DM told me that he was looking to change his flights and/or maybe cancel. I never heard anything from him. And his travel doesn't follow a pattern - sometimes he might arrive on a Friday evening, sometimes Saturday, sometimes he goes back on Sunday evening, sometimes Monday. And I don't think that it's reasonable for me to keep an entire weekend free on the off chance that he contacts me - he doesn't always.

Hmm. People who travel long distances sometime have to be a little vague about meet up plans and mentioning the weekend I thought should have been enough for you try and keep it clear.
We visit the UK flying from NZ and tell people when we are there and what we have free so they can tell us best time for them. We usually give the them the broad timeline a month out and then discuss specific times closer to arrival or when we are there.
The amount of friends who flake out because they have made arrangements for the time we are there is astonishing and, like you with your bro, we tend to get blamed.
'Oh so sad you can't make time to meet us'.
So many people also refuse to change or cancel events such as child's ballet classes or child's birthday party attendance to see us. We've even had 'oh sorry that's the day we go to the supermarket' and 'oh we'd have loved to see you but Dave does 5 a side that night'.
It's bloody frustrating when you've travelled all that way and people refuse to diverge even slightly from their normal routine.
I think if you knew the general weekend it would have reasonable for you to try and keep and clear save invites to a Royal garden party.

I think you are being a bit pedantic. But hopefully he will understand where you are coming from now that you have put your foot down. I hope you two can work it out.

Agree, if you're travelling a long distance then there has to be a degree of flexibility. But if you're travelling from say Belfast to Edinburgh then there isn't the distance excuse. And if someone says that they'd like to meet up over the weekend but you don't hear from them until Sunday mid morning then I think that you'd be reasonable to have thought that you weren't going to hear from them. It's happened previously that he has visited and not made contact with me so I've learned to have no expectations unless I actually put the work in.
Personally, I don't think that I'd travel to DBro's city and have told him weeks in advance that I was coming and would like to see him but not actually make contact until I'm there. He's not a very flexible person.

I think it would be fair enough to expect you to keep the weekend freee from him saying he was coming if he would then expect to spend the whole weekend with you. But it sounds like you’re expected to keep the entire weekend free so he can decide, at the last minute, which few hours of that weekend he wants you to turn up for. Which is totally unreasonable.

Having said that, I think your decision to “test” him by going silent and seeing what he did was not particularly grown up. If you want him to get off his arse and make plans (which is fair) you should have said something like: “Great! Well, let me know what you want to do and when by X day, or I’ll make other plans.”

Sorry, all sounds very childish indeed. You sound like "making plans" is a huge inconvenience/effort - it is a phone call, did you get here ok, when are you free, we can do Saturday, what do you fancy doing? That's really it.

But if you don't like your dbro then it will be a hassle, so why bother at all if you can score points instead.

Some people like to plan well in advance and others see how things go.
For family I wouldn't expect to make special plans but would expect to see them when they were in my city or I was in theirs. But wouldn't necessarily make a special plan other than dinner maybe, would be popping over.
It seems like you made advance plans for both days so you were pretty much determined to be unavailable. If you are not keen on seeing him that's fine but I think you're picking à fight here to make it his fault entirely. You are both unreasonable IMHO

This is how it works in my family: long distance sibling comes to visit parents; I would be informed of the dates by parents; I would arrange to also visit parents during the sibling’s visit in order to see them. The only reason I wouldn’t see them during a specific visit would be if I had something like a holiday already booked. Everyone would be relaxed about that and we’d catch up at their next visit.

Some people are planners, and some aren’t.

I, like you, would schedule something in advance under these circumstances. I like to know what I am doing and plan accordingly.

I have multiple friends and family members who take the approach of your DBro and would just message on the day / day before to see if you wanted to meet up.

Just a clash of styles. No right or wrong answer.

PP about travelling from NZ, why should people adjust existing plans for you? I wouldn't cancel a party or class I'd paid for, to see you. Plan your time better and go when people are actually free.

OP your brother sounds difficult, I'd proactively ask him every time. Or give him a slot you are free and if that doesn't work for him, accept you won't see him.

My mum and sister live about a 40 min drive away from each other. I’m about 5 hours away. So when I come up I often don’t make plans til I’m there and I’ve discussed with whoever I’m staying with what they have planned so we can work around that.

I have also gone up and met both at a funeral and not decided who I’m even staying with til we've all discussed it face to face. Probably infuriated both but we have a good relationship despite that. If you wanted to see your brother you’d have made it work but clearly you didn’t want to see him. Neither hi. Or you are unreasonable but there’s clearly history on both sides.

sounds like you don't really like him, and didn't want to spend time with him- which is fair enough, but the " explained that his constant lack of planning was at odds with his stated wish to see us." makes it all sound very laboured and blamey - why not a "sorry, we hadn't heard from you, we're doing XXX now" - sounds a lot less judgy, and he'd equally get the message for next time - without causing bad feeling and drama.

Generally speaking, I think arrangements to meet up are a mutual thing. Therefore YABU on the topic question. When both parties are informed of the dates, either party can make a suggestion for a meet-up.

It's not reasonable for the person who is at home to take affront or try to guilt the person who has come and made a (even belated) suggestion to meet-up that their suggested meeting has come to late or to respond like 'I've been waiting for x long for you to contact me, now I am in a huff and have made other plans. Making other plans in the meantime or just not being available is fine, but not with an undertone of 'it was your responsibility to contact me; specifically, to contact me earlier'.

However, since it sounds like there's a lot of backstory and issues with your relationship, it's not unreasonable for you to take a backseat and not initiate things with him and leave it on him. But then it's still not fair to position it as something he should be doing specifically.

Sounds like you both want an argument? It’s not down to one person to make an arrangement, it’s mutual surely? Look I get it, I’m not bestest mates with my sister, but I get that in order for harmony we both need to communicate and agree on what things will look like.

YABU

You said he had said weeks ago that he was coming home this weekend and would like to see myself, DH and the kids
at which point, I'd have texted back to say "Great. Sunday's a bit tricky so Saturday would be better for us if you are here then, but if you let us know early enough, we might be able to sort something on Sunday if you aren't getting in until late on Saturday BUT we'd need to know by X date" .. or whatever suits.

Just being obstinate for the sake of it is very unreasonable.

It's happened previously that he has visited and not made contact with me so I've learned to have no expectations unless I actually put the work in.

You're making it sounds like it's this massive chore for you to message to make the arrangements. If you're the one who wants to pin down the details then you have to initiate that.

He's not a very flexible person.
Neither are you.

I think you are being a bit difficult. Your OP suggests you did know he was coming and just refused to make plans out of annoyance. You could have either kept one day free anyway or sent him a text to ask when he'll be here so you could make other plans.

Or how about you just tell him he needs to be more specific about his plans in future?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, he shouldn’t expect you to keep the entire weekend free so you’re sitting around just waiting for him to call.

He must’ve had a general idea of what he was going to do, I think he should make more effort, why should you drop everything with a moments notice, he could’ve called on Sat to ask about the next day at least.

I had friends who live abroad who’d do this, announce they were visiting but be really vague then get irritated when we’d not kept the entire time free or expect we’d drop everything at a moments notice when they decided they had a spare evening to see us.

Yes it’s nice to see people but they had this expectation that we should be grateful for them slotting us in at the last minute when it wasn’t necessarily convenient.

I’d actually got an extra ticket for him for an event on Saturday afternoon and also bought an extra cinema ticket for a movie we went to see on Saturday evening. I couldn’t have known he wasn’t arriving until Saturday night. Well, I could have if I’d contacted him but it just feels like it’s feeding in to his status as golden child. DPs turn themselves in to knots trying to keep him happy and it doesn’t do him any favours.
anyway, appreciate all the responses. I had a bit of an epiphany and realised that he isn’t that bothered about meeting up and that is fine. I could have kept the weekend free and not heard from him at all - that’s happened previously.
I’ll just manage my expectations in future

I’d actually got an extra ticket for him for an event on Saturday afternoon and also bought an extra cinema ticket for a movie we went to see on Saturday evening. I couldn’t have known he wasn’t arriving until Saturday night.

Well, as you say, you could have if you'd asked him.
I mean, with all the ways we have to communicate these days, it's not exactly difficult.
Who buys tickets for events for people without checking if they are going to be there / want to come ? Regardless of your relationship, if you are going to something and you think you'd like to invite him (or anyone) surely the normal thing is to say "We're going to X on Sat night, it is £Y. If you want us to get you a ticket, let me know before 4pm tomorrow".