To tell a 13 year old they are acting like a toddler?

[DrSeuss84]

I have a 13 year old DD who I love beyond measure….. but she is driving me crazy!

She is now officially a teen and has recently started her periods but her behaviour seems to have regressed if anything.

She has started throwing what feel like toddler tantrums. If she is cutting something and cuts it wrong she will almost scream something along the lines of “ahhhh these stupid scissors are no good” but in a high pitched whine. She is clingy to the point of continuously wanting to be cuddled and reassured. She is wanting me to do things for her that she is completely capable of doing herself.

The tantrums are the thing that bothers me most and I don’t know how to explain it to her other than to say “you are too old to be acting like a toddler and throwing yourself around and screaming” but that feels unreasonable to say.

would it be unreasonable to tell her to stop acting like a toddler or do I need to just accept that this is part of hormones/teenage development and be patient and wait for it to pass.

It's never unreasonable to flag bad behaviour. Don't let her grow up using hormones and periods as an excuse. They may be a reason, but she still controls how she responds.

would it be unreasonable to tell her to stop acting like a toddler or do I need to just accept that this is part of hormones/teenage development and be patient and wait for it to pass.

I remember going through something very similar when I hit my teen years, became very anxious and clingy with my parents.

I don't think I behaved like a toddler (that came later!), but needed very gentle handling. I remember having a bit of a panic attack at night and my dad gently explaining that everyone goes through this, and let me know my sister and close neighbor friend did too, and that the anxious feeling will pass, but until then he and my mum would be as close as I needed.

That gave me the security to know that I could "regress" in my confidence but that it would come back, which it did.

Good luck!

She probably just wants a bit of attention and tlc but you need to be clear that acting out isn't the way to get it.

Otherwise you'll have a nightmare on your hands.

The tantrums are the thing that bothers me most and I don’t know how to explain it to her other than to say “you are too old to be acting like a toddler and throwing yourself around and screaming” but that feels unreasonable to say.

Why? It's perfectly reasonable to say because it's the truth. One of your most important jobs is to teach her self-control. It is perfectly fine for her to feel upset, angry, frustrated, whatever, but it is not fine to scream about, whine, and have a tantrum like a toddler. If she needs to be alone and scream into a pillow, she knows where her room is. None of us are entitled to take our moods out on everyone around us.

After a few years in teenland (although we also have autism and MH in the mix so maybe more complicated) I would try to model a calm response instead. She's snapping at the problem. If you snap at her for her behaviour, whatever your words say she is seeing you reacting emotionally, which is exactly what you're accusing her of.

These days I would just comment mildly and gently or prompt her to try another way. It's not the same as ignoring the behaviour, it's meeting her emotional response with your more mature response... that's the theory anyway.

Read a book about teenagers. Not meaning to sound facetious! But I read one and there was a whole section about their brain development and this is completely normal.

I remember saying to someone that the difference between toddlers and teenagers is that you can put the toddler in their bedroom and keep the door shut for a few minutes

I’m really confused on why you think it’s unreasonable to tell a 13 year old to stop throwing baby tantrums? When a 2 year old throws tantrums or acts out, they are guided or disciplined in the correct way… why would a 13 year old get away with it?

She needs to know that it’s annoying. If it becomes too ingrained in her behaviour, she’ll start to do it at school and they’ll all find her weird. If something is wrong tell her to use her normal voice to tell you, but you can’t listen to a baby screaming and whinging.

Agreed 👍

Sounds like she's having trouble regulating her emotions. You can help her with this by.keeping calm and reassuring her, maybe givie her a quick hug or help ground her and shownher how to ground herself with a few deep breaths.

You've reminded me of that stage with my dd. Growing up can come as a shock and I think it's normal to slightly regress back to the comfort and familiarity of being younger.